A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:should i allow my wife to be friends with someone she's attracted to?my wife is bi and the person she's attracted to is a gay girl. i just found out about. shes been hiding it from me by deleteting her text messages. when i confronted her about it shes said that they are friends and that the other girl respects her marriage. but lately she's been feeling confused about our marriage. and spending a lot of time with her new found friend that she works with. and only spend time with me on the weekends because i ask her to. what should i do.
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female
reader, Lina Santos  +, writes (2 April 2011):
 Hello. I agree with moon river on this one. I really don't think that trying to end that relationship is going to take you anywhere except down a path of obsession and hate. I guess the best thing that you can do is sit down with your wife and have a very open conversation about this.And by open, I really mean that you have to be open to accepting what she is and what she likes, with respect.She's only hiding things and denying things from you because she fears your reactions to it.Take things calmly, with an open mind and an open heart.Good Luck
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): Should you be worried? Yes.
Should you allow this friendship? No.
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A
female
reader, Drat001 +, writes (1 April 2011):
As I've commented before, as someone who's been there, done that with a married woman being involved in an affair with another woman (as the other woman), if she's hiding things about her relationship, this kind of thing usually goes badly for everyone involved. You have EVERYTHING to be worried about. If they were just friends, she wouldn't hide it. Odd are they're already involved in some sort of an affair, of not yet sexual, at least emotional.My advice is, talk with her, let her know that you don't want her spending ANY time with this woman. Tell her, point blank, that you don't want her to have any kind of contact, texting, phone conversations, anything, period, with this other woman outside of work. Tell her that her doing this to you is no different than if you were to go online and find another woman to hook up with.I hope you don't have any children. If you do, tell her than she's setting a bad example for your children and ask her if she would have liked it if her mother had cheated on her father, or father cheated on her mother, and how it could ruin her relationship with her children. Don't, repeat, DO NOT at this point threaten taking the kids and leaving. Never threaten that. The only time to do that is when she has either continued to have this affair despite what you tell her you feel about it, or you find out she's still seeing this woman secretly, or you find out at a later time that she's having an affair with a different woman. In that case, don't threaten to take the kids as a means of getting her to stop. Never use your kids as a tool like that. When it comes to you needing to leave, in order to protect them from her behavior, let her know that you're taking the kids to their grandparents (your parents), and that you're filing for a separation/divorce, and that you'll let her see them any time she wants, but it has to be at your parents' place or in a public park, and either you or your parents must be there, lest she try to take them and run--it happens.If you have no children, if she either continues to see this other woman in defiance of you or behind your back, just go ahead and file for divorce on grounds of adultery. Take it from someone who's been through this, it's best to make a clean break as soon as she's made it clear she's not going to stop. Don't try to change her or wait for things to get better. If she's cheating, give her one chance to stop. After that, if she doesn't, get out.
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A
female
reader, moon river +, writes (31 March 2011):
 Would you be worried if your wife who's also attracted to men had male friends? Same answer for this question.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 March 2011):
 Treat it as you would had it been a man she was interested in and she was straight. This is something that could end your marriage, and you need to take this as a serious threat to your marriage. If she's confused about her marriage then she needs to think about this long and hard, hopefully she will come to realize that when married, you work on it. The only other option, if that even is an option, is divorce.
Talk to her and try to work through this. Her having doubts and being confused is more likely related to the dynamics of your marriage, and not because of some outside threat. You can't baby sit her through your entire marriage, there needs to be trust that she will keep her legs crossed and not be so easily distracted from her marriage that any person can come along and steal her heart. What she needs isn't to be locked inside a house, what she needs is confidence in her marriage, and to keep her eyes on her marriage and not look elsewhere for whatever it is she feels she is missing.
Do you not live with your wife? How come you and her spend so little time together? What troubles in the marriage do you see, and are there any things you can help change? Work through this together, and talk, communicate. Not allowing her to see this person could be a necessary emergency step. It shouldn't be something you get to do, but seeing as this is a threat to your marriage it is reason enough to call out the big guns and deny her seeing or communicating with this woman. But she needs to understand why, and AGREE to not talking to this person again. Otherwise she will just go behind your back and continue to talk to this woman, and the distance between you and your wife will only grow.
Best of luck.
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