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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend's parents are punishing him for not doing well in his exams. Part of that punishment is that he can't go out, even though he is an adult. He is not standing up to his parents, and has told me we can't see each other until everything is sorted out, but I want to see him! I think that he should be telling his parents that he is an adult and they can't treat him like this. It is frustrating me so much because he won't say anything to them, he's just taking it all.What do you think I should do?
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female
reader, Hopeful +, writes (14 March 2006):
Yes he is an adult, but at the same time, he is living under their roof and from the sounds of it, probably his parents are paying for many of his expenses - including perhaps his expensive education.
Perhaps there was an agreement between him and his parents that he had to reach certain grades as they agreed to support him through his education and perhaps this is the result of him not reaching those grades.
At the end of the day what you say is "standing up to them" he might see or they might see as a slap in the face for them supporting and paying for his education. Imagine if your parents paid a lot of money for you to do a course and you failed or did really badly, imagine how you would feel. I would feel pretty bad that my parents had spent a lot of money and I had wasted the opportunity.
I would ride it out and perhaps discuss with him some compromises he can suggest to his parents - ie. you come over for a evening meal every now and again, maybe drop over for a study break every now and again, offer to help him out by running the odd errand. Let his parents see that you are helping him and want him to succeed.
And at the end of the day, if it gets too bad, perhaps your boyfriend needs to consider behaving like an adult and study hard and move out if his parents are that unreasonable!
Whilst I think his parents are being perhaps a little strict, I can really see their point of view. You don't know the circumstances around this - maybe they have given up things to help support their son. Education ain't cheap and they may have gone without nice things in order to see their son happy and have great opportunities in this world.
At the end of the day I would smile and grit your teeth and help your man study hard so he can graduate, get a great job and move out and live on his own terms.
Good luck
A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (13 March 2006):
 Well, yes and no. He is of an age that he has the ability to live on his own and make his own rules. However, he is not doing that...nor was he evidently studying properly...and unfortunately you may be a contributing factor. If they are paying for school, food, roof, car and money to entertain you...they certainly have the option of...saying no.
Want to make friends with the parents....instead of balking at this, go to his house...explain to them you brought some study cookies and want to do anything you can to assist them in helping him get back on the ball. Make friends with the parents...and you just might get invited to a few dinners with MR. Study-hound. Raise cane at how unfair they are...and you make your boyfriend the enemy too...cause now he has to take your grouching and theirs. Do you really want a boyfriend who has flunked out of school? Love means keeping HIS best interests at heart and not only your own.
Good luck and be patient...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2006): Then don't live there if can't abide rules of the house.
Okay, now for the compassion... [sigh]
Yes, he should stand up to his parents, if indeed they were wrong, but this isn't the case. He lives with his parents, thus he should follow their rules. It's for his own good anyhow - to a degree.
This may for sure, not to your liking, but I suggest you encourage him to study harder and try to make a compromise to see him for a couple of hours once a week. Relay the idea to him, and he should try to make a compromise with his parents.
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