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female
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*oneydip06
writes: I've been with my boyfriend for about a year now. A few months into the relationship he told me he had gotten another girl pregnant. (she was an X but they had broken up years before, and she went into the military and came home on leave) To make a long story short, everyone believes she trapped him into having a baby. He doesn't want anything to do with her, but has to keep in touch with her because of the baby. I've decided to stay with him, but this is very hard on me. It makes me upset every time I think about the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and be the father of MY children, having a baby with some girl. And to make things worse, she tells him how she's jealous of me because I have him permanently, which scares me because I see how desperate she was to trap him into having a kid to get him back with her. Now how do I know she won't go to extremes? (she lives in GUAM now on a military base, but will be back in the States in August, and may possibly live close by). If anyone has advice I could really use some...thank you
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reader, jo_betty_smith  +, writes (9 April 2006):
 It seems like you are content to paint this girl as a manipulative harlot without putting any blame onto your boyfriend, but the fact of the matter is that he did cheat on you and you need to accept and deal with that. In a committed relationship, your man should stay completely faithful to you, and not just at the times when he's not drinking alcohol. Some relationships do survive if one partner has cheated, but you both need to accept how much it must have hurt you and really talk about whether he is truly determined to stay 100% faithful from here on in - especially if you intend on being together for the long term.
Obviously, he will still want to be a good father to the child he's going to have with his ex and that will involve keeping an amicable relationship with her, which is why it's going to be so important for you to be sure that you will completely trust him from now on because there are going to be plenty of opportunities for you to be feeling jealous and insecure, which wouldn't be good for your self-esteem and general happiness in life and your relationship. But the good news is that, ultimately, if you both feel sure that you are right for each other and you are completely committed to a future together, then there won't be anything that his ex can do to break you apart.
A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (9 April 2006):
 Stop deluding yourself!! Why oh why do you think she had sex with him unless she had feelings for him? Stop putting all the blame on her! You dont say how old you are but I have a feeling you are in your teens to early 20's. As I said before it takes 2 to have a baby and he is half responsible no matter what you delude yourself into thinking.
You say she got him drunk? WHY was he out drinking with her in the first place then? C'mon, get in the real world love!
I can comment on this situation as I have personal experience of it....so dont think I dont understand, cos I do. In a big way.
This guy is putting all the blame on this girl and you are listening to him.
And YES your feelings are SECOND to the childs. So get over it. A child comes first and that should be that. This girl is neither trashy or some kind of predator. HE COULD HAVE SAID NO TO THE DRINKS ASND TO THE SEX He could have used protection!!!!!
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female
reader, honeydip06 +, writes (9 April 2006):
honeydip06 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank for the replys. one thing i want to say is that there is every way possibly for a women to trap a man into having a baby. and she did. yes it was his fault to, but on her end, she tried numerous times to have sex with him, and this time she insisted they go out for a few drinks...to make it easier for him to say yes after saying no all the other times. she asked him to drink and then came onto him knowing he was drunk (just like guys do to girls), she told him she was still on birth control, when she wasnt. yes it was his fault for having sex. but she did trap him into this, and she doesnt exactly deny that she hasnt. she thought he would want to be with her once she told him she was pregnant. as for everything else, its not that easy to put my feelings behind for the baby. yes the baby did not ask to be born, but it is. as a result of her selfishness. and yes i will be a step mother and will grow to love the child, but it isnt fair for me to put my feelings behind the child just because some trashy girl decided to trap my boyfriend into being the father of her child.ive realized, maybe this is a situtation no one can comment on unless theyve been in it. i'm sorry :-/
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (9 April 2006):
Where shall I start?
Ok, lets go.....there is no way a girl can trap a guy into having a baby. Shall I explain why? Because if her was so obsessed with not having a child he would have used a condom with her. Contraception is both sexual partners responsibility. regardless of whether she says to him *I'm on the pill* or not he should protect himself and her against unwanted children and STD's. Ok? That is why she couldn't have TRAPPED him into having a baby. He is 50% responsible for this child.
And of course there is the issue of having sex with her in the first place. You say she came home on leave and thats how the child was concieved. Well he could have said NO!!
So whatever line he is feeding you just remember it takes two to make a baby and two to have sex in a situation like this.
This child exsists so now your bf has to deal with it. If he is any sort of man he will continue to see his baby and he will continue to ahve a relationship with him/her. YOU on the other hand need to get over this. His child is a reality and as such a half brother or sister to any children that you may have together. So if you are serious about staying with this man you need to get your mind into gear and learn to accept this. This child didn't ask to be born and needs a loving a nuturing environment in which to grow up. Regardless of your relationship with the mother (and you need to grow up here because he is with you, has Chosen you and wants to stay with YOU) if you are going to be with him then you are going to be a step-mum. Thats it, end of story.
So what are you going to do? How are you going to leap? Will you be a good step mother, or will you put so much pressure on your man to chose between you and the child that it eventually sours your relationship (and believe me if thhis happens, it may not be immediately, it may be ten/twenty years down the line!)
I think you are brave enough to face your fears and realise that this woman means nothing to him except as the mother of his child. I also think that when you look at it from a different perspective you will realise how much fun it is to have a child in your life, albeit a step child. Sit back enjoy the ride and put the child first. Put your own feelings in the bin for now. Put the kiddie 1ST!!!!!!
xx
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female
reader, honeydip06 +, writes (9 April 2006):
honeydip06 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: Him and I are on the same cell phone plan, and yesterday I got a notice about extra charges for international plans. She lives in Guam till August so he had called here there. After I told him about the extra charges he told me that he has to speak to her ATLEAST 4 times a week for the rest of his life. I'm looking at this as a red flag, should I be? Is there really a need for him to talk to her so much? I dont think so, and I know plently of people that have babys by someone their not with and do not talk to them often...I'm so confused on what to do about this situation.
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male
reader, tux  +, writes (9 April 2006):
 A girl doesn't trap a guy into having a kid. We all know what the consequences of sex can be. A kid is one of them and it doesn't matter how much protection you use, there is still that chance. but as for your bf's ex..
It sounds to me you are still trying to reconcile things with your bf having a kid already. When in a relationship, you take a person as they are including their past, their present, and their future. You seem to be fine in the present and the future but are stuck on his past which he cannot change. You need to make the best of things and either accept it or move on. I wish you luck in that area.
AS for his ex.... there's not much she can do to interfere with your relationship unless you let her or if you guy decides to run off with her which in that case you deserve better. But he is with you and not her... remember that. The only thing she can do is demand child support which is his responsibility. but my advice for you is to take things in stride and don't worry too much about it. Just remember who your bf's with.
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