A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is there a reason why a man doesn't marry his long term girlfriend/mother of his children? My boyfriend is 23 and I'm 23 in a few months.I've been with my boyfriend over 4 years and we have a toddler together. I got pregnant 9 months into the relationship (obviously not planned). I would of honestly rather of been engaged/married before I even considered a child. Just for the fact that I want to feel like I'm part of our family.. Having my son and boyfriend have the same last name why I have a different one bothers me but he doesn't seem to have any intentions of getting married anytime soon if at all. Could it be he just doesn't think we will stay together so does not see the point? We've started trying for another because my son is almost 3 and I don't want him to be an only child or have a big age gap. When he was a newborn I said I wouldn't have another unless we were engaged and here we are 3 years later and nowhere near to getting engaged. He says its the money for a ring but if he wanted to get one he would save and I've even said it isn't the cost of the ring its what it means!He's been brought up a lot different to me. His family are quite a rough lot and his parents seem to be in a loveless marriage. They spend no time together, don't sleep in the same bed and don't even speak nicely to each other. My parents are completely opposite, I can see how much they love each other and they spend a lot of time together doing different things. I don't actually even know what I'm asking. I don't pester him about marriage, but he does know that's what I want. But then why should he get married to me, I do everything for him anyway and he's already had a child with me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2013): I'm the OP, thanks for your replies! I didn't write the title and I would definitely not want a big wedding! Like others have said I would rather just go to the courthouse than have a large expensive wedding. I understand we are young but I do feel like we have had to grow up alot after having a child.
And to the person who said I should be thinking about my child, I never said I wanted to take away from him, and I never would he always comes first. My child does have savings that my family and me and been putting into for his future.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (11 April 2013):
 OP if he really wanted to marry you the ring would not matter.
do you want the wedding or the marriage?
personally I would say I don't need a ring, I don't need a wedding we can go to the courthouse and get married for 60 dollars for the license. we don't even need to buy new clothes....
say to him "I want to be married to you and I want to do it now and I don't need money or a ring, I want you to be my husband now"
so the excuse that he can't afford it is out the window.
Sadly he's got a wife in everything but name only. and yes my mother and grandmother always said the same thing "why buy the cow when the milk is free?"
you can btw legally change your name to anything you want. you don't have to be married... you get the forms from the courthouse, you publish the change in the paper (you pay the costs) then you get a court order for you legal change of name. So if what you really want is your last name the same as your kids... just change your last name to his.
no marriage needed.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (11 April 2013):
The reason could be as simple as him not wanting to get married so young. I didn't, and I'm glad I didn't.
He didn't "make a commitment to you" when you got pregnant, I assume it wasn't planned.
In my opinion 23 is too young to get married; you both still have a lot of growing up to do. I also don't think there's any reason why you can't be happy with the way things are since your last name being different doesn't mean you're not part of the family and your relationship won't magically be perfect just because you get married. It'll be more or less the same and you'll get your ring and last name changed. That can wait.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 April 2013):
 He can make babies with you, but hasn't asked you to marry him. Babies cost way more than a wedding ring. Babies also require commitment for life. So, it appears he isn't afraid of commitment, nor is he broke and can't afford the rings to get engaged.
I presume you already live together. So you're practically already living as a married couple.
So why wont he ask the question? Why wont YOU ask the question? Ask him, "do you want to marry me" and hear his answer. If he says no, then there you have it.. perhaps he just never wants to marry, or perhaps he doesn't think you're the right one for him and is only staying for the children. Whatever reasons he has to not marry you, you will know when you ask him.
Or it could be he's scared of taking that step, and nervous you will say no. So just ask him, maybe he'll say yes.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (11 April 2013):
 While AuntyBimBim could be right, there are other possibilities as well. After all, we are not inside his head, we dont know him and his views on life, so we can never say for sure why he isnt proposing to you yet.
My first thoughts were your age - you are incredibly young! I dont think I know of any 23 year old men that would even consider marriage at that age, it simply is not on their radar. My boyfriend is 29 (nearly 30) and he has only just started to consider the idea! My best friend was the youngest of all of us to get married and she was 24, he was 25 (nearly 26).
So there is a good chance he simply is too young to be thinking about marriage, 23 year old men dont think about those kinds of things so if you are patient there is a good chance he may propose in the future.
My next thought was surrounding his family and upbringing. If you say his family are a 'loveless marriage', then perhaps seeing that example of marriage might have put him off the idea. Many people, especially men, where the parents have divorced are often reluctant to get married because they are afraid that marriage will make the same thing happen to them. So perhaps your boyfriend is afraid of marriage because he doesnt want to see your relationship go down the same route?
I dont think he thinks you are not going to be together long term because he wouldnt be having a second child with you if he didnt think he was going to stay with you. So there must be a very deep-rooted connection for him to want another child with you.
What has he said when you have talked about marriage? Has he ever mentioned that he actually does want to get married one day? If you havent talked to him about it properly, then I'd sit down with him and say that in a few years time (dont put any pressure on him with the timings) that you would love to get married to cement you as a family so you can all have the same name and be one family unit. Ask him outright if he would like to get married one day.
You need to talk to him about it, not to demand that he must propose soon, but to clarify that you both want the same things for the future. If it turns out that he actually doesnt believe in marriage I'd stop trying for that second child and figure out if you are happy to stay with someone that doesnt believe in marriage.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 April 2013):
 The title is at odds with the post. Fortunately, Our OP has included a disclaimer, "I don't actually even know what I'm asking." For the sake of clarity I'll answer the post and ignore the title.
I've had 4 wedding rings since I got married. 2 lost, one broken. I have no idea what the first one cost. The most expensive of the other 3 was $30 US. You are right it is what the ring means, not what it costs that is important. Now my marriage has lasted past the 25 year mark, even though the ring didn't. In other words I may have been careless with my jewelery, I haven't been careless with my marriage.
From reading your post, I see that being in a family is important to you. You are traditional enough to believe that marriage is required to have that. Many people your age would disagree. That's not important, what you need to feel secure is not dictated by others. (for the record I agree with you) It appears to me that he hasn't fully explained to you why he is avoiding marriage. Have you explained to him what it is you want? Perhaps you are not sure yourself exactly what it is you want. Try this on for size:
Go out and buy a ring for him. Sit him down and say something like this to him. Instead of buying gifts for me this year would you do something for me? It would really make me happy if you would promise me that we will stay together. I want you to wear this ring as a sign of that promise. Would you do that for me?
If it is just that he is having trouble making a commitment, this should be a small step he should be ready to take.
There are a lot of possible outcomes. Most hopefully it will open up some communication between you two about rings and promises. Hopefully he will see by your action that the money really isn't important to you. Don't spend a lot on the ring. Forgoing regular presents is a sign of your commitment to this idea. It will seem hollow to him if you aren't giving up something.
I'm rambling. Just communicate with him.
FA
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2013): "Is there a reason why a man doesn't marry his long term girlfriend/mother of his children?" As my late grandmother would have said, "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?""We've started trying for another because my son is almost 3 and I don't want him to be an only child or have a big age gap. When he was a newborn I said I wouldn't have another unless we were engaged and here we are 3 years later and nowhere near to getting engaged."Another reason why hasn't married you, no incentive for him to do so since he knows he's can string you along and you'll give in to what he wants (or doesn't).Pardon me, but I don't understand the point of "getting engaged" when you've been shacking up for four years and have a kid together. You're either shacking up with your baby daddy or you're living with your husband, no in between. The whole idea of an engagement is for the two parties to prepare for life as a couple and you're already playing house. And any illusions about a formal engagement or big fancy wedding should have flown out the window the moment you discovered you were knocked up.You're a mother now, not a blushing bride-to-be-to-be and you should be putting your child's best interests first by saving for his child's future, not a ring signifying an "engagement" that should have been announced between his conception and birth at the latest. If you want the same last name as son and baby daddy, a quick trip to City Hall will do the trick. "But then why should he get married to me, I do everything for him anyway and he's already had a child with me."Exactly. As Aunty BimBim stated, you've answered your own question and in a more delicate manner than my grandmother would have.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2013): Without knowing the ins and outs of your relationship, it will be difficult to say what is stopping him from going all the way with you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2013): If someone will not pop the question after a long time, then yes, there is a reason or a very strong doubt.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 April 2013):
 You have answered your question, "why should he get married to me, I do everything for him anyway and he's already had a child with me".
Only you can change the situation. In the meantime if you are still trying for a second child, when it is born don't give it your partner's name. Put your surname on the birth certificate, if you are not good enough for your partner's family name, then neither are you children. And I, because I have been in the same situation as you, would even investigate changing your 3 year olds family name to yours as well.
Your partner wants all the benefits of being a husband without making you his wife. Take charge of the situation and stand your ground. If he wants to continue reaping the benefits then he should marry you, if a big bling bling ring and the fat white wedding frock is out of the question, consider toning down the celebrations and have something a little more financially realistic!
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