A
female
age
41-50,
*azzie1
writes:So, my boyfriend of 7 yrs is giving me an ultimatum of leaving me in March because he feels he doesn't have a "family" with me. Mind you he has a 13 yr old daughter and a 17 yr old son who he thinks might be his but he's not really raising either because they live with there mother's. I have two boys 17 and 10 and the reason that I don't want another one is because the shit that has happened in the past like infidelity and being violent with me..so he states that he's a changed man and that if I was to give him a child it would be so different, he tells me the reason he's stressed is because of me because he has nothing by me and that all his friends and family tell him that I am not the one for him because we have nothing together that's it's been too long..he actually told me that this is my family and my apartment..unbelievable..I'm starting to believe that this is all bullshit like he's trying to control me and it's gotten to the point where I don't even want him around..just yesterday he got mad because he noticed a picture of us together wasn't up on a frame any longer so he went and took the other 2 pics of us and ripped them into shreds, even the one we had as a "family" went we went on a trip to the Caribbean! Why am I the one to blame for his stress? And I'm noticing how angry he gets when I even try to voice my opinion. Sometimes I just keep my mouth shut because I have kids in the house and I never know what could happen. He was actually yelling like an animal yesterday because he said I think I could just say whatever I want..because I had mentioned I was going on a trip with the kids and he tells me good so he can go with his boys and no wives included any woman would have started flipping out! I think this might be the best by me not giving him a kid he can leave me alone..oh it gets better. He tells me today have you ever thought of getting back with my kids father. Like who would say something like that? Is he delusional because I have never dealt with a person like this but he say's it's all me because I don't give him what he wants.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2012): ok so this reminds me of my mothers situation before she had me. This guy you are describing sounds alot like my dad, controlling, verbally abusive when he doesnt get his way, used to be physicaly abusive to me when i was little etc.my mother had two kids of her own before she met my dad, and he wouldnt dare lay a finger on them because he knew she would leave him, but later i came along and all my life til i was about 13 he was mean and physically abused me alot until i turned 13 and started to fight back. I think it would be unfair to a child to live with a unfit father, trust me i would know. So just saying from a childs point of view and leave that man"boy" as soon as you can. my mom is still with my dad and they argue everyday and sometimes my name gets thrown in there by my "dad" in not a good way. My mother is in an abusive cycle, gets good for 2 days then all goes to hell happens all the time. so this is just a glimpse of the future for you if you stay, and my present day as a 17 year old girl.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): your bf is abusive and unstable and it's best not to be in a relationship with someone like this. why waste your time and energy on this person when there's so many better guys out there who are NOT unstable and are not abusive?
at the root of it is, he has incredibly low self esteem which gets easily triggered so his entire life is centered around desperately trying to boost and protect his fragile self esteem , in this case through the use of a partner and kids and the institution of family.
his very notion of what defines a "family", and what the purpose of a "family" is, proves this. To him, family means a man impregnating a woman to make a child to SHOW OTHER PEOPLE that he and her "did it together" and thus that he 'owns' her. If the kid wasn't a result of him "doing it" with you, then that kid can't represent his ownership of you and thus he doesn't recognize that kid as part of your family. He sees children and partners as personal property that marks a man's territory. he sees your kids as your ex's property which is why he doesn't accept them as his family even though he's supposed to be your partner. To him, having biological kids is for the benefit of showing off to other people that he owns you which is to boost his self esteem. How insecure must he be?
if he was a real man this wouldn't be an issue to him and whichever children are in your lives he would welcome into the fold as his "family" whether it's your kids from your previous relationship or his kids from his previous relationship. A real man is not desperate to prove his 'manhood' to other people by appearances. A real man has a big heart and generosity and welcomes his partner's children as his own family and feels a personal responsibility to those kids because he made a commitment to their mother. Your bf is none of these things.
you really shouldn't even consider staying in this relationship, let alone having a kid with him.
If he's given you an ultimatum then he's making it easy for you. Let him be the one to end this relationship, it will save you the hassle.
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A
female
reader, jazzie1 +, writes (17 January 2012):
jazzie1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfor the anonymous male reader..I just wanted to clarify something my kids have not witnessed any of the crazyness..this looser boyfriend of mine always acted up when we were alone. This is why I am leaving before anything escalates.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): " I have kids in the house and I never know what could happen."
That's why you throw the bum out on his ear now!!!!!!
Shame on you for allowing your sons, especially the ten-year-old, to grow up in such a toxic environment. They are going to live what they learn and likely will become unstable abusive adults just like the guy their mother shacked up with when they were children because you taught them such behavior is not only acceptable, it's expected.
Get your sons appointments with trained mental health professional before its too late!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (17 January 2012):
 I would assume that a couple cannot have a child if one of the two partners doesn't want a child. Saying you will leave if no child is born does not seem the right thing to do. If the relationship is not satisfactory because of the lack of that baby, then leave, but don't make threats.
My opinion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): I think you have good reasons not to have a child with this man. I think you even better reasons to dump him and stop exposing him to the children you already have.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (16 January 2012):
 I'm not sure why you're focused on his request for a child when you should be focusing on leaving this man. So it's OK to be with someone for 7 years and put up with infidelity and violence, but it's not OK if that person wants a kid with you? I don't think him wanting a kid is the problem here. The problem is why you haven't left this loser by now. If you don't have the strength to leave him, the March ultimatum will work out perfectly. He will hopefully dump you, which will allow you by default to move on.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 January 2012):
 Do not let him bully you like this. I really do not see a happy ending to this relationship. It seems he is selfish and he only thinks about himself and not what you want, that is not what a relationship is about at all. It should be about sharing opinions and compromising. He is a bully and he also has anger issues. I honestly think you would be much better off on your own. He is threatening you with either have a child or he will leave you, he is acting like a child. How immature. Tell him he knows where the door is if that is what he wants. Normal couples would sit down and discuss a huge thing like having a child not just say they want it or else they are gone. Really you deserve so much better than this.
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