A
female
age
41-50,
*abyblueeyes
writes:Hi guysI would like advice please as you have all been really helpful to me in the past.I have been with my boyfriend for just over 4 years now. Those of you who have seen my past posts will remember I have been divorced for 7 and a half years and have 2 children and my bf has been separated 4 and a half years and has one daughter. We all get on brilliantly when we spend time together. The problem is I have wanted to settle down for a while but he has gave me false hope then changed his mind. He says he needs to give all his attention to his 12 year old daughter until she doesn't rely on him as much anymore. I see him 1 to 2 times a week but for me that is not enough. He only lives 10 minutes away. I would like to settle down now. he has asked me to give him an ultimatum of August to make or break which I have agreed to. I am tired of packing bags every weekend to spend time with him. I am dreading this but I feel that he should know what he wants by now. In the meantime one of my best friends at work has said he has feelings for me. He knows my situation and I know he would not overstep the mark. He has said he would look after me and treat me well Im not sure how I feel about this. I know that in August my bf will probably say that he just wants me as a girlfriend. I think I like this guy and enjoy the attention he gives me and we text most nights (just as friends tho). I know he is waiting until August to see if things work out with my bf. I don't want to hurt his feelings and not sure if my feelings for him are real or if I am just upset cos things are not working out with my bf. I don't want to hurt him if my bf wants to settle down. I know I need to back off until I sort things out with my bf but I dont want to lose him. How do I say this to him without hurting him but keeping him as a friend? I know this sounds selfish. I don't know what to do with either of them! Please help!!
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (10 July 2013):
 And don't pack your bags to visit him this weekend.
Make other plans, and go have fun.
Read that book over the weekend and you'll be in a new place by this time next week.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 July 2013):
Hi there, thanks for your question. I looked back at your old questions and saw a very telling quote from nearly 2 years ago: (August 2011) on
"Hi guys. I thought i would update u all with the goings on in my relationship. We still see each other once or twice a week and i have recently been bringing up the subject about where we are in our relationship and where we are going. Usually its when we have had a few drinks and i get all serious and emotional.
Anyway, we managed to sit down and talk about it rationally, last week and he has explained he loves me, i am the perfect girlfriend, however he doesnt want to settle down he has had his marriage and is enjoying the life he has at the moment.
He said he understands I am ready to settle down as my children are older and i need some companionship in my life. He said he just wants a girlfriend and why cant i be happy with the way things are??
I am gutted as i wish he would want more. i miss him so much when i am not with him and have tried to get a busy life when i dont see him but it is hard.
he said he wishes i would walk away so he could see if he misses me and might change his mind.
Because he explained he wants things to stay the way they are, i have started to become paraniod and worried all night last night when he went out with mates. i am worried he is copping off with other girls.
please help. i need some stregnth and advice as what to do."
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Two years ago he basically gave you the ultimatum to leave him. Now here you are 2 years on, and in essentially the same place, with him putting the onus of the ultimatum on you.
You know what?
I'd take him up on it.
I would split up with him and start to date the friend who has feelings for you. Assuming, of course, that you have feelings for him too.
Your guy has had a lot of years now to figure it out; you've been uncertain as to his commitment to you and he's basically told you that it's up to you to leave him.
I have a book recommendation for you, it's inexpensive but so so worth it. "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills PhD. It'll help you take a look at your relationships, past and present, and may help give you a strategy to make the choices that are best for you and your family.
I would take that request from him to give him an ultimatum in August, only I'd put it on MY timeline. Take your power back. As someone who was abused in the past, this may feel uncomfortable to you, but you are so worth it. Decide what works for YOU and if he's on board, great. If not, well, too bad, he's had his 4 year chance, time for you to find the REAL love of your life if he's not it.
Go be brave. You can so do this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2013): I understand where you are coming from. Wanting to see someone more than once or twice a week and have some direction in the relationship isn't wrong or selfish.
Let us know how you make out in August. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, babyblueeyes +, writes (9 July 2013):
babyblueeyes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice and honesty.DV1- my bfs daughter loves me to bits and always wants me around. Yes, I do know all about marriage I was married for 12 years and stayed with my violent husband until he left me christmas day 2005. I have put 110% in to this relationship and been there at the drop of a hat for them both whilst bringing up my own 2 children. Its hard being in 2 places during the week. I know I look selfish and sometimes all I can see are my own problems and don't stop to think about his reasons for not wanting to settle down.Anonymous- I think he should know what he wants after this time. He isn't divorced because he says it is just a piece of paper and he will do it one day. Him and his wife remain friends and she is now gay and has a girlfriend. I have spoken to my friend at work and said I would like to stay friends and do not want to lose his friendship and he was ok with that.
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (9 July 2013):
 I'd ignore the above response, because it's based all around you, and not what's real. What's real is that you knew what you were getting into when you guys got together. You both have kids. His daughter might be having trouble finding a way of accepting you two being together, and may have been dealing up until this moment. He's trying to make you happy and make his daughter happy. Instead of finding a way to make it work, you're going for the easy route, and running away. Suppose you get with this new guy, he sleeps with you, and then ditches you, and you realize that it was all a lie? Suppose you miss out on something big because you weren't ready to go the hard road? You think you're ready for marriage? News flash: You're not. Being married means sacrifice and compromise. It means making a vow to be there during the good times and the bad times. Suppose you get married to this new guy. Do you really think that you'll be able to stick to the words: "In sickness and in health, in good times and in bad"? Here's the truth: no, you're not. Stop being selfish and try being understanding.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): Your "boyfriend" doesn't sound like much of a boyfriend. If he loved you he would want you to be part of his and his daughter's life. This isn't fair to you. You shouldn't have to give him an ultimatum, he should know if he wants a life with you by now or not. Is there a reason he isn't divorced after all these years? I wouldn't wait until August, I'd tell him this isn't working for you, that you need more and you've waited long enough.
As far as this man at work, I wouldn't rush into another relationship right away, give yourself time to heal. You deserve better, don't settle.
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