A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm in a troubled spot. I'm dating a great guy and we're perfect except... He still talks to his exes. Once or twice things got slightly inappropriate... with one ex, he made a few comments that were sexual--not directed at them having sex, but more along the lines of remembering something in particular. And another time, he complemented her on how she looked. That's stopped because he realized he still wasn't over her 100% so he's almost cut communications with her. Now another of his exes is being disrespectful and he's kinda making it not seem like such a big deal. She wanted him to tell her he loved her and told him to let her move in with him (we live together), he said she was joking, but it's clear she wasn't laughing. She calls/texts a few times a week, I've made it clear to him that I feel that since he's not exactly done the right thing in the past and this clearly makes me upset... so maybe he shouldn't be talking to her, at least so much. But, he says it's something we don't agree on and thinks I'm making too big of a deal out of it. He only talked to her when I wasn't home, saying that he didn't want to waste the time we had together, but I feel that it's just a bs line and he wants their convos private. Am I reading this all wrong?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2011): YES! you have every right to let it bother you! Exes are exes! They can't be trusted.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 May 2011):
 I agree 100% with Cerberus.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): Seems this guy has a history of playing games OP. Two exes acting that way with him means he was doing this while he was with the newer of those exes too.
One ex you can kind of pass off as a mistake, especially after cutting contact but two is a bit much.
The clincher is this I'm afraid "That's stopped because he realized he still wasn't over her 100%"
That's just trouble OP. This guy sounds like bad news to me. He's basically the type of guy that can't be satisfied with one woman he has to have two or three on the go at one time to feed his ego. He doesn't even wait until he's fully over his exes before he starts a new relationship and basically he likes to spread himself around. He may never cheat OP but you can never be certain of that either. Basically this sounds like it's going to be a relationship where you just have no security at all because he likes to keep other women hanging on.
OP think of how you treat your exes and what you consider normal boundaries. Even if you were in a kind of flirty contact with one of your exes, you'd end the flirtation out of respect for your partner, not only that but you'd be perfectly open about your contact as another sign of respect and trust. Plus if you made a mistake like that then you'd own up to it and make amends some way. He just told you "this is something we're just not going to agree on" That is completely unacceptable. Really that's not on at all.
OP what is he doing right now? He;s playing games, what do you call a guy who plays games? Well that's your boyfriend. Sorry to say it OP but people like him don't change and he has certainly made it very clear he's not going to either.
The balls in your court. I know what I'd do, the question is will you do it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): I think its healthy to be friends with exes but its the content of these conversations that is bothering me. I wouldnt like it,and I think your bf is being rather spineless and the ex is being gamey as hell. Its not ok and i think you need to lay the law down here. It doesnt mean he likes her,more it sounds like he has a need for attention and possibly has low self esteem? Maybe hes not happy in himself? You say the two of you are perfect, really? You may want to explore that. You certainly need to sit down the two of you and have a serious chat. Gd luck
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (6 May 2011):
 Nope! you are bang on the nail with your suspicions. Even if your partner isn't having sex with these women, there are obviously certain attentions he wants from them and thats why he is maintaining the contact.
The one thing that stand out for me is the girl who asked to move in with him??...Does she not know he is living with you? Does she even know about you?...and if she does...what is it that he has told her to make her think your relationship with him is so insignificant??
Saying that there are some things you don't agree on and that he only speaks to her when your not home because he wants to give his attention to you when you are home is TOTAL manipulation so he can alay your fears and carry on having his cosy chats with her. Does he let you read all the texts she sends? Does he let you read their online conversations?...Something is just not right about this.
There is a lot to be said for your gut reaction and I think your gut is telling you he is messing around...I wonder if he has a history of doing this?...If he does then you have to remember that cheats NEVER change. As much as people like to kid themselves that they can change...they absolutely cannot.
He also isnt over one of the ex's...so why is he with you?...as a filler to give him attention and take his mind off being in love with someone else???
If it smells like bullshit and it appears to be bullshit...then it IS bullshit.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): This is not appropriate behaviour. Is he serious about your relationship?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): you deserve better treatment than this. this guy wants to date around still obviously because he is in contact with other women in additon to you. Do you want to marry him? Where is this relationship going? Because it is either headed toward marriage or you are staying friends with benefits. Just let him have his freedom to keep up with old flames, and if he leaves you, he definitely was not the one. Maybe you should call some guys or have a girlfriend pretend to be a guy (let her in on the scheme) (ie: text this "guy" who is really just your girl friend..don't tell him, and see if he gets jealous.) He may just be possessive of you, but not really love you because he just is needy like he needs someone to split the bills with, do his laundry, etc. Or he may be bossy.. Like, maybe he wants everything his way. I want to live with you but still flirt with my exes..no way..dont accept that! That guy would continue to flirt even if you got married, worse he may cheat one day.. so give him his freedom to explore now..tell him you love him, but if he has feelings for other girls he needs to explore them, because you dont want to be second best and make a mistake and marry mr.I'm still in love with my exes.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (6 May 2011):
If people didn't have ex's in their life it would make current relationships a lot easier. I think whilst you need to accept him for how he is with his ex's (you won't be able to change him) if there has been inappropriate behaviour with any of them then it is understandable that he should keep some distance. I think the thing is, if he doesn't think there is anything wrong with the situation (like many other people wouldn't) but you do.. then the more you press the issue, the more it's going to cause an issue, because it will feel like you are trying to control him and tell him what he can and can't do. I know it sounds definitive but basically, if he is doing something you don't like, and doesn't see anything wrong with it, then having talked about it, if nothing changes then your only option is to end things.
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (6 May 2011):
Oh. Not cool on his part. At all.
It's a lack of basic respect for your relationship ans I'd question how serious is he about you. How long have you been dating?
If they were just in communication once a month or so to say hi; that would be one thing. But this sounds like it's a lot more often. And I don't like the part about talking to her when your not around.
My rule has always been: you know something is shady if you wouldn't behave the same way if your significant other is present. I believe in open book honesty. Whatever he says to her : he SHOULD be able to say in front of you.
I'd evaluate how long you've been dating and whether this behavior is worth your time. he already knows it upsets you - he should not have the desire to continue the contsant communication if he is serious about you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, hope_i_could_help  +, writes (6 May 2011):
 No, your not making a big deal out of it, in fact it is just natural for a girlfriend to act that way if her boyfriend still communicates with their exes.
Actually, your boyfriend is making a big deal out of it, you fight just because of it? It's supposed to be past not present. And he already have you.
I think you should tell him how you really feel about it and tell him to stop, because it will not help your relationship. If he want's to communicate with his exes, tell him to tell you all about it and not be private about it.
If he doesn't stop, he is not a great boyfriend at all. He is not worth your patience and time.
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