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anonymous
writes:Hi I'm 15yrs. I've been going out with my boyfriend for about two months. told him that I didn't want sex when he asked me, he seemed very understanding and we spoke no more of it.But since then he has become very touchy feely. He touches places I dont want him to. I am now finding myself less attracted to him.I've asked people what I should do, but they all tell me that I should sit down and tell him not to do it, or tell him how I feel. But I can't. I've told him to stop things before and he went all shy, told his friends and blanked me the next day. I also don't want to hurt his feelings.I do like him, but I need my space. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2005): There's been loads of good advice given. I'd just like to add my support to what's been said. I don't usually like making blanket statements because everyone is different, but I think it's fair to say that you WILL regret it if you let him push you into something. He's obviously either immature or very inconsiderate or both. He doesn't deserve you and you don't need him. I'm not against people having sex when they're 15, but for anyone 2 months is not very long to see someone before going so far with them. A lot of my friends had sex before they were 16 and I felt left behind. I eventually did it when I was 17 which wasn't necessarily too young but even then because I was sort of pressured into it I have regretted it ever since. Only have sex because YOU want to, not because he or anyone else wants you too. If he says nasty things about you for refusing him, don't think he'd be any nicer if you gave in - he'd probably be bragging and all sorts anyway. Steer clear of him.
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reader, rach0074 +, writes (26 June 2005):
My ex partner and I got together when I was 14 he was 17, and he was like that for the first 6 months. Then it got worse and he actually raped me. On more than 1 occassion, he made me feel guilty about not giving it to him and I thought what he was doing to me was normal. After nine yrs and 3 kids together I left him and I realised that it wasnt normal. It was rape; whether we were together or not there is no excuse. I didn't report him to the police although now I wish ihad but I didn't cause of our kids. Do not let this happen to you. If he forces you to do anything that you don't want to do then get rid of him from your life and eventually you will find someone who treats you with the respect you deserve. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2005): Sorry to sound blunt but I wouldn't stand for that! If you've told him you're not ready then he should understand that everyone develops at different rates and that just because he's ready you should be too. You need to remember that you are only 15 and this boyfriend is not your last chance to be happy!! If I was you I'd let him know what I was feeling and if he STILL didn't understand then I'd get rid of him. You need someone who understands you and wants you for you, not someone who's just in it for what they can get from you! From what you said in your letter he doesn't sound like a very good boyfriend and I would get rid of him before things get too serious and you end up doing something you really do not want to do, because then you will regret it for the rest of your life! Been there, done that so learn from other peoples mistakes darlin!!Good luck and I hope you do the right thing!*~Christina~* UK
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2005): Hi there, everyone says that you have done some very very nice to tell him that you are not ready for sex, and he understood well, but I have something that I don't really understand. You don't want him to touch you as you feel uncomfortable with that. If the boy after you told him to stop touching went shy and spread the word around his friends, then we see that he actually is not understanding you as a person with your space needed. You need to ask him the reason why he is doing that to you. He took the fast way for sex and didn't work, now he might want to touch you to get you up to that mood and have it his way, so, the first thing is to find out he is doing that for. Then once you have the answer, it's up to you what you will respond. Remember that everything needs to be done at a place where adults are near by in case of anything that may happen and you may need help for adults. Once that, you have the reason, now give your answer, it will be you who can decide what is right and wrong, tell him what he is doing is wrong and you don't like it, and let him explain to you the reason of his actions towards you. remember, LOVE is Respect. Matt,20
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reader, lucy +, writes (22 June 2005):
You sound like a very considerate girl and i think its great that you told him that you diddnt feel ready for sex if you are not ready. However, at the end of the day it is your feelings that come first. Do you really think it's ok to let him do stuff to you which you are not comferable with just so his feelings are spared? if he gets all embaressed and blanks you i think that you definitely deserve better as i do not think that he is mature enough to handle a relationship because this behaviour is certainly very immature. Try sitting him down one more time and explaining to him that what he does to you makes you uncomfterable. Also explain to him how this behaviour is also making you less attracted to him. If he continues to handle it in this unreasonable way then dump him because you can do much better. I really know how hard it is to ask someone to stop when they are doing something that makes you feel uncomfterable, but it is YOUR body and NO-ONE has the right to make you feel uncomfterable. Best of luck xxxxxx
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reader, MyKhemikalRomanze +, writes (22 June 2005):
I think you should tell him that you feel very uncomfortable with him touching you in your places. Just sit down and have a talk with him. Who cares if he runs his mouth to his friends about it! The only thing that matters is that you're doing the right thing by talking to him about this.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (22 June 2005):
 His touching you in places you don't want, when he knows you don't want him to, actually constitutes sexual assault; did you know that?
I'm not suggesting that you have him hauled off to the pokey for having the rampant sex drive of every healthy 15-year-old, but I'd like for you to appreciate this in a different light. What he's doing is WRONG. He's forcing a sexual touch on you when you don't want it. He's now crossed over the line of "amorous boyfriend" and ventured into "creepy little oik" territory.
The fact that he blanked you when you asked him to stop certain behaviours before only indicates that he's embarrassed about being caught. You're playing right into his hands by remaining silent. He gets a sweaty little grope and he can claim innocence if he gets caught, because, "Well, you never said No!"
You might not want to say something for fear of hurting his feelings, but hey - ding, ding! - he's already hurting yours and he doesn't seem to care that much, does he?
Here's what you say the next time it happens:
"Michael, please don't do that. I don't like it and it makes me feel uncomfortable."
He's already shown you that he doesn't respect your feelings or your personal space. You definitely don't want those qualities in a boyfriend, so if he can't shape himself up, please please please leave.
The more you stand silently and put up with his harassment, the more liberties he'll take.
This is not OK, and you have to set him straight.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2005): I am getting the feeling that since you dont want to have sex, he is being understandable, but he is making up for not having sex. He may have the craving for sex, and instead of having the full thing, he is thinking that he can make you happy, and he is happy as well. You are not getting your sex, the thing you wanted, and he is still getting rid of his sex cravings. I know that you don't want him doing those kinds of things to you. You should talk to him about it. Just tell him that you two can do other things like cuddle, kiss, and hug, but you would appreciate if he didn't touch you in the places that you dont like him to. Tell him the specific places that you dont agree with him touching, and be very calm when you do talk to him. Ask him if he understands a couple of times if a calm voice. If he doesnt stop after that, I would break it off will him. he may pressure you into doing something that you really really dont want to do, or may even rape you. think about it. good luck~Robin~aka advice gurl
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