A
female
age
41-50,
*ieneMaya
writes:I recently met this guy online who has since told me that he thinks we were made for each other.I was totally into him from the second we first met.We have mind blowing sex and he says he has never loved anyone or anything until he met me.He also says that he knows we are meant to be together and wants to start a family with me and he is moving across from the other side of the country.It all sounds like a dream and he is this gorgeous looking man, telling me that he hit the jackpot with me.There is just one thing that I can´t seem to get over.We are trying to tell each other everything up front and he said that he is a swinger and has slept with hundreds of women. In previous relationships the girl always started to like the lifestyle and they started swinging together. I know that it´s not for me and I hate that he sees sex as something so casual.He says I can have sex with other men, he wouldn´t mind, because he trusts that I always come back to him.I told him that he ever slept with another woman, it would be a deal breaker for me and he said he won´t do it if I don´t want it.But it bothers me a lot that he would sleep with someone else in a heartbeat if I said it was ok for me and wouldn´t mind me sleeping with someone else.he says he never ever gets jealous, no matter how hard he tries.But that´s not what I want from a man. I want him to see sex as something special between two people who love each other, but on the other hand I know he would be a great bf or husband and father to my children. Someone who loves me from the bottom of his heart and someone who will never hurt me, someone I can trust completely.I don´t know what to do! Please help!
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (28 December 2012):
Open relationship = no relationship.
Proceed accordingly.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2012): Okay here's how I see it OP. Every other relationship he's had he says the girl always ended up swinging.
So in effect if you're not going to end up doing that then you're going to be his first relationship where he doesn't get to swing. Basically this is an experiment. I wonder if it is at all possible for this guy to have a purely monogamous relationship. I mean literally spend the rest of his life with only you and absolutely no negotiation or compromise on swinging. His entire dating history says that's not possible for him.
OP something doesn't sit right with you with this situation and I have to say I agree. It sounds too good to be true because it is.
I honestly think he believes he can convince you to start swinging in the future, I believe that because I think he's had many other women who didn't want to swing at all and he convinced them to do it. I also think he's not being truthful when he says they "all" liked it. That honestly sounds like a line. There is no chance in hell a man my age with lots of past partners has never had a relationship get fucked up from swinging. Finding people who are in a strong enough relationship and who are able to separate stranger sex from their emotions is almost impossible as SVC has said, her experience of it is quite common.
Look you're already in quite deep here. I think you need to sit down and talk to this guy and outline some truths.
1. You need to tell him that to be with you there cannot be any other women and he has to understand that you will never, ever change your mind about that.
2. Not only will you never be convinced but you will find him to be very disrespectful to even try to convince you. He needs to understand that being with you means a life of only ever being with you, no compromise.
3. As far as trusting him goes, being a swinger does not mean he'll cheat, he may still have a good set of morals but it does mean you're just an experiment and you may not be able to trust the idea that he can truly only be with one person. He actually does not know that himself so he can't actually truthfully say that he can be. He may discover in a year down the line while very deeply in love and entrenched in this with him that he can't in fact handle it and that's a huge risk to take.
4. I think the biggest thing of all though OP is that you view sex differently to him and even though I have had plenty of casual sex and know it can be different I have to agree with you. I've slept with many women casually but could never do it while in a loving relationship, even a drunken quickie in a nightclub bathroom is special when it's a woman I love and the idea of having sex with any other woman pretty much disgusts me if I'm honest. To me sex in a long term loving relationship is part of our bond, something only we can engage in as a means to be at our closest and keep that level of intimacy, letting in another person or other people has the opposite effect and I just can't do that.
OP you may be torn but you're not confused. I have a feeling you want this oh so badly but just cannot get rid of the gut feeling that it's all wrong. So have that talk with him and then take a bit of a step back OP and slow this right the hell down. Moving across country, talking about starting a family all that shit is way over the top, in fact it kind of sounds like bullshit to me OP, it's very cheesy, movie romance sounding crap.
"Made for each other, never loved anyone like I love you, meant to be together, hit the jackpot." That all sounds like lines from the latest Jennifer Aniston rom-com.
Too fast, too soon, you only met him recently and he says he's ready to jump in? Sounds too much like a line to me OP.
Reign in a little, if not a lot you hardly even know this guy and as always wear protection, if he's had a lot of partners then you need to be protected.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 December 2012):
 Since I am a former swinger and I made the choice to swing and then when circumstances changed I made the choice NOT to swing... I think I can speak to the fact, that folks CHOOSE to be in the lifestyle and can CHOOSE NOT TO BE as well.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 December 2012):
 BieneMaya: You write that you are "still confused"....
WHY bother spending even a moment in time, or an iota of mental energy being confused?
You met this guy ... were attracted to him... He CLAIMED that he was attracted to you... then, he revealed who he REALLY was, and what he REALLY wanted... and that was anathema to you. You walk away from him... and CASE CLOSED.
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, BieneMaya +, writes (27 December 2012):
BieneMaya is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks iAmHereToHelpYou,
but why would he want to do that? Why would he put so much effort into making me trust him if he can be with someone who would love to share that lifestyle with him?
Still confused :-(
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A
female
reader, BieneMaya +, writes (27 December 2012):
BieneMaya is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hear you people.
I have told him that I can´t deal with it and pretty much broke it off.
He says that he CAN stop swinging because it is his duty to stop doing something if it upsets me, no matter what it is.
He said he would be here for me if I want him.
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A
female
reader, BieneMaya +, writes (27 December 2012):
BieneMaya is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for their honest opinions.
This has helped me a lot actually, but I´m still torn.
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A
female
reader, BieneMaya +, writes (27 December 2012):
BieneMaya is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for their honest opinions.
This has helped me a lot actually, but I´m still torn.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 December 2012):
 I think unless you are OK with the whole "swinger" thing he is just NOT for you as a partner.
I seriously doubt a guy who has been as ACTIVE in that life style as you describe your guy, will just give it all up for 1 woman.
Sorry, certain things are just deal breakers for me. Swingers would be one of them.
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A
female
reader, CANDY61 +, writes (27 December 2012):
This guy think he's so good looking that he can get any woman he wants so be very careful of guys with a smooth tounge!!!!!!!!LIES..LIES..LIES..LIES..LIES..LIES..LIES..LIES..LIES..LIES This guy has explained to you openly that he's nothing more that trash. I wouldn't talk to him online or offline.Remember this...Swingers and players does not get jealous.Yes you do know what to do, you answer your own question, if this isn't what you want in a man then drop him like a hot potato. I wouldn't give him the time of the day.Goodness knows how many babies he has that you don't know about.He hit the jackpot, just another one added to his list and he tells them all the same lies.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 December 2012):
I was a swinger in my last marriage. I had multiple partners and my spouse did too. We had many friends who were long term marriages (over 2 years each) who were swingers some who happily raised children.
So I disagree that being a family man/woman and raising a family is not compatible with the swinger lifestyle.
I would be concerned only that he may have a hard time limiting his sexual appetite to one woman. Part of the rush of swinging is being "the new girl at the party" as I call it. Meeting new folks, and then seeing if their sexual style works with you...
Getting Jealous is not about love. Jealousy is an emotion rooted in insecurity. He doesn't get jealous because he's clearly never been insecure in a relationship.
FWIW, my ex husband liked to say "I make love to my wife, I have sex with my friends." So even as a married swinger I was able to separate making love from fun and games sex.
OH and I should add, we are divorced because I met a man and my then husband was not able to cope with it. He was fine as long as he had gfs and i was home.. once I found a friend he used it as an excuse to get out of the marriage. I ended up marrying that man I met while married and we are NOT swingers. WE DO NOT SHARE.
This is truly going to have to be a personal call on you.
You have to decide if you can cope with the insecurity that he might be out looking for new girls even though he said he would not.
He might get angry with you for making him give up the lifestyle but only on a subconscious level so that he's not even aware he's angry... but that could color his behavior.
You also have to consider your desire to have sex between partners always mean something special and him having had so many partners that he didn't have something special with (which does not mean it's not special with you).
Personally, I hate to say this because I'm more inclined to give relationships a chance... in this case I believe you two have a fundamentally different view on what sex means for an adult. Some folks think it's sacred and special and others see it as fun and games.
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A
male
reader, justaguy71 +, writes (26 December 2012):
I think you are setting yourself up for a lot of hurt if you pursue him. I mean of course there is a chance he will be faithful to you, but you will never trust him, thinking about him screwing someone else like he has in the past. How will he be able to change so fast? You also have to lok after yourself re STD's etc. I mean, he wants to start a family and still swing? People do it, but if you arent comfortable with it I doubt he will change, he will get bored having sex with one person and go back to his old ways most likely.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 December 2012):
Let's boil this down to the specifics:
1. HE'S a man-slut,.... and you've fallen for him,
2. HE sez you can become a girl-slut, if you'd like. That means that YOU can reduce yourself to HIS primative level, and he'll grant you a "pass."
3. YOU say that you have MORALS that keep you from wanting to be a girl-slut.
4. You've told him that his sleeping (Let's be clearer, here.... his "fucking"..) with other girls is a deal breaker for you....
THEREFORE.... there is NO COMPATIBILITY between the two of you... and YOU must simply let "the deal: fall through....
I can't BEGIN to imagine that ANY self-respecting woman would give this guy more than a few moments of her time...
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 December 2012):
 I would not move across the country to be with a man who thinks the swinger lifesyle is compatible with settling down with a family. He is not jealous, that's because he is not investing emotionally into a person. You can always argue that it's our animal nature to be promiscuous. Maybe in some parts of Polynesia and Africa where polygamy is normal and encouraged, I will have no problems assimilating into it after living there many years. In Western cultures I don't think this will ever be accepted as normal. It is unrealistic for you to change yourself to be with him. He should find a woman with similar mindset. It is too early to be talking about the future before he knows that you two can be compatible.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2012): Are you sure you can trust this guy? Don't be surprised if he keeps bringing up other women and more than likely will keep trying to persuade you to let him sleep with other women. I highly doubt that he'll have eyes for you only."We are trying to tell each other everything up front and he said that he is a swinger and has slept with hundreds of women. In previous relationships the girl always started to like the lifestyle and they started swinging together. I know that it´s not for me and I hate that he sees sex as something so casual."It sounds like you two have very different values and i highly doubt you'd be happy with him. You know who he is and you can't just expect him to change just because he's told you a few lovey dovey lines."But that´s not what I want from a man. I want him to see sex as something special between two people who love each other, but on the other hand I know he would be a great bf or husband and father to my children. Someone who loves me from the bottom of his heart and someone who will never hurt me, someone I can trust completely."He obviously doesn't see sex the same way you do. I think you've gotten a bit carried away with your physical attraction to him and are living in a bit of a fantasy world.
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