A
female
age
36-40,
*owntoearth0
writes:I'd like to have some opinions about my situation. My bf just got huge tattoo representing his dead ex wife. We became couple after he was separated from his ex but shortly after she passed away and he was the one found her dead on the floor at house. He basically has PTSD and lost "feelings" for anyone. (So he cant love anyone at the moment so we don't have any physical contact )Long story short, it's been about a year and a half since she passed away. Recently he went on a trip and got tattoos. Big virgin Maria on his arm and skeleton crawling (laying down?) depressingly. I hate them how they look. But after seeing few times, I noticed this Maria's face is his ex, and I think this skeleton represents how she died. I asked him if most virgin Maria's face are like this and he said yes but with some hesitation. So I knew there's something behind. I haven't confronted to him yet . . Maybe he thinks I won't notice, but I noticed as soon as he sent me a pic. I fully understand she was really important person for him but first he didn't tell me anything, second I asked few questions but he kinda looked away while he was answering and didn't wanna talk about the tattoo, third, why do they need to be so big .. basically virgin maria is from his top of shoulder till just above the elbow. And skeleton is on his back and it's about the size of a baseball glove. I understand if he wasn't in a new relationship now but he has me as a gf. ( temporally we call ourselves as friends since there's no emotions from his side and I'm ok with it ) he tells me he still loves her and think about her everyday. (Their lives, his guilt, the scene of how he found her death at house alone)..I have no strength to live with him seeing his ex's face and her dead skeleton. I'm very hurt, disappointed and since I've been sick with a bad cold, I feel even way worse. Good thing is I have no energy to get upset and argue with him (lol). What's your thought ...??? Can you accept the fact ??? I mean this is uncertain but my guts telling me that I'm right .. sighJust remembered that he mentioned he wants to get a tattoo of my name in the past so I asked him if he's getting one this time. He said he will so I es expecting for him to get it but he didn't. I asked why and he said the artist didn't have time. Thought it's kinda odd for an excuse but I thought whatever. But now I'm thinking that he didn't get my name tattooed because he was getting 2 big tattoos that represent his ex ... I mean I don't even want my name on his body now. I'm just sad. That's all
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ex-wife, his ex, tattoo Reply to this Question
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (1 March 2019):
 OP, go with your gut feelings on this. You are friends and that is all that he wants. A man in love will proudly declare a woman as his girlfriend, his partner, his mate...not call her a "friend". Trust him he is telling you what he feels. LISTEN to what he is saying. What you want and what you have are NOT the same thing. Please dont waste your time and energy on a man who cannot give you what you want need and deserve. He obviously still has very strong feelings for his ex wife and there is no room for you.
If a man I cared about came home with the kind of tattoos you are describing, that would be it. I'd be walking out the door and not looking back. I suggest you do the same.
Respect yourself OP. Want more than what he can give you.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (28 February 2019):
 You’re friends, OP. You’re not a couple. He has no feelings for you - that’s not a boyfriend and you’re not his girlfriend. He IS single because he still loves his late ex-wife and isn’t ready for anyone else.
I’m sorry, but this isn’t a relationship, so you can’t do anything except move on. You’ll probably say you don’t want to, can’t or won’t, but he doesn’t have feelings for you, so he does not “have you as a gf”. I’d say why have a boyfriend who doesn’t have feelings for you, but he’s not your boyfriend. Any of us can call someone our boyfriend/girlfriend, but it doesn’t make it true if we don’t share the same feelings....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2019): This man:
Has a large tattoo done to commemorate his dead wife.
Tells you he still loves her, but
Tells you he can't feel anything for you.
Describes you as his friend.
Gives you no intimacy or affection.
Are you sure he even likes you?
He may have PTSD. He certainly isn't ready to have a relationship with you.
I would leave him to heal. Don't contact him or see him. If he wants to find you in 6 or 12 months then he will.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (28 February 2019):
 Come on, really?
The guy has issues he needs to work on. Right now the guy isn’t interested in you at all. He calls you a ‘friend’? Does that sound like someone who loves you?
You’re wasting your time here that could be spent with someone who actually DOES love you. I really don’t think the tattoo is the main issue here, you say he shows you no affection and you don’t have sex? Surely that’s more of an issue? The tattoo is just the icing on the cake.
Move on, this guy clearly isn’t in the right headspace.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2019): He has PTSD and has lost feelings for anyone. You don't have sex, and he went out and got a huge tattoo of his ex-wife. He shows no affection for you, but he has some sort of strange regard for his fallen ex-wife.
Have you ever sat down with a mental-health professional to discuss PTSD? Is he receiving any kind of counseling or professional mental-health therapy?
If he is a former soldier and has ever seen battle; you can attribute his strange behavior as just another symptom. Her death may trigger memories of those he has seen die in battle. What he did seemed like a good idea at the time. Does he take drugs or drink excessively? Sounds like a wild impulse or bout of bad-judgment. On both your part, and his.
Now comes the tough part.
You insist on being the girlfriend of a man who shows you no affection and denies you intimacy. So why should you concern yourself about a tattoo?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 February 2019):
 Fact are,
YOU are "just friends", it's HIS body HIS choice (whether the art is tasteful or not, most tattoos have a deeper meaning for the wearer - for the most part.), this is HOW he has chosen to deal with her death and his loss. People mourn is VERY different ways.
BUT with that said... You are TOTALLY lying to yourself when you say :"Temporally we call ourselves as friends since there's no emotions from his side and I'm ok with it )"
Because that whole line is bullshit from beginning to end. You DON'T want to be his friend. YOU call HIM your BF. And if he can't LOVE anyone right now, He is emotionally unavailable and should LET you move on. How is it FAIR that he has put you on a shelf and you sit there and wait and hope that he will move past his grief and love you? Are you SURE once he gets "there" you won't get dumped because YOU remind him of a bad part of his life - he was after all DATING you when she died. He will WANT a "fresh" start. And you aren't it. also besides the guilt he might in time resent you for having dated HIM while SHE died. Even if that is unfair and unrealistic. The mind sometimes find strange pathways where guilt is involved.
As for the tattoo... YIKES! If my husband came home with something like that (as in a tattoo of another woman) I'd say:" OK Buddy, time for me to move on."
He is IN mourning. He feels guilty that he somehow didn't KNOW she was going to die. He is hurting. HIS solution to live with the loss was to carry her face on his arm in a tattoo. WHICH is a BIG BIG clue as to HOW far he is from being ready to date anyone.
With all that said, IF he is JUST a friend of yours, HOW is it ANY of your business what kind of tattoo he got? WHY should you confront a FRIEND about his choice in body art?
And why would be PUT your name on his body when you are "just" a friend? Why would you expect that?
YOU need to SEPARATE yourself EMOTIONALLY from this guy. Just like he has done from you. If you feel you NEED to be around to support him, PUT on those FRIEND glasses and SEE him as NOTHING more. And then take a good look at your life and what YOU want for your own future. HOW long are you willing to "wait" for him to decide he can feel and love again? To work through this grief?
I'm sorry if I was blunt in my answer. I think that you will be hurting a LOT more of you keep pretending that you want to be his "friend".
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