A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My elderly narcissistic mother is dying in hospital and after a violent abusive childhood, I hate having to see her. She's an embittered, difficult, hard to please woman and I feel very nervous in her company. I'm 64 now, yet still frightened of her. Nothing I ever do is right and she continually plays me and my sisters off against one another. It's like a long drawn out stressful goodbye as one minute we assume she's dying and the next she's better. It's been going on for years. She now has cancer but we feel the medical staff are judging us sisters as they tell us very little about mother's condition. We know mother slags us off to other people yet we've bent over backwards to help her in every way possible; All the time putting up with her snipey ungrateful moods. It's like visiting a nest of vipers. My mother was never a proper grandmother to our children. She always put her own life first. I struggled to make relationships all my life as I never knew the meaning of love and ive written two books. Please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2019): Be mad!You should be very mad at her.Turn your fear into anger.The reason you chose abusive husbands is because of your mom.You grew up thinking abuse is normal and that you deserved it.Confront the old bag.Who cares if the nurses see believe me they have seen worse.Soon she will be dead and you will have lost your chance.After you confront her and begin to finally heal get to therapy.You need to learn that you are a good person....You did not deserve to be abused your whole life.You are strong you can do all this.You put up with abuse from your husband and your mom for years...You are very strong much more than you think.Your mom is just a old fragile lady do not let that b scare you.Tell her mom you abused me for many years...what reason are you going to give God on judgement day for abusing me and all the other people that you have hurt? You should be afraid mom very afraid. And then I would walk out never to return.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2019): Hi. I will soon be 70 and have a similar problem with my elderly mother who is also narcissistic, but I've come to realise that I'm no longer afraid of HER, but I am afraid of how she makes ME feel when I'm in her company. She's too frail to hit me now, but yes she can often hurt me emotionally. Sometimes, rarely, her mouth is saying all the right things, she's coming across as almost friendly and welcoming, but every look she's giving me tells me she dislikes me immensely.I believe she always has but have never known why. Nor did she ever love me. Soon she'll be gone and I will have peace.....I just hope I have a few years left to enjoy it. I've already suffered a heart attack and have other health issues, but here's hoping!
Good luck to you and your sisters. I hope you can find peace.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (28 February 2019):
 Wiseowl gave very good advice. I hope you will consider his gems of wisdom. The reason I feel so strongly about what he wrote is because I have the same sort of situation with my mother as you do and finally after years of staying quiet and suffering I spoke up.
I have never for sure determined what is wrong with my mom but I believe she suffers from being bi-polar and possibly even a split personality. She is a very angry unhappy woman of 84 years old. I learned very early on in life not to cross her. She likes to be in control and my father and sister always wimpered down and would not stand up to her because if you had the audacity to cross her, she would make your life a living hell.
I always felt like my mother never really liked me or appreciated me and showered all her love and attention on my younger sister. My sister was/is a very sickly individual. (Yes she had a real documented illness). My mother and her have quite a bond. My mother would mock me, tease me, humiliate me in front of family, friends, boyfriends and husbands. I learned to stay clear of her as much as possible. My children have even witnessed her making fun of me and then winking at them when I showed discomfort. Who does that to their child??? Over the years, I just let it slide. A few months ago, my mom went too far, and I FINALLY called her out on it (this was on the phone). I told her everything that I had been feeling, and then asked her why she had treated me that way all these years. She couldn't give me an answer! Of course not! For the first time ever, I hung up on her.
I later wrote her a long letter and told her that I still loved her and forgave her but would no longer allow her to hurt me. I felt so free. She has chosen not to respond me to me since. So be it. After being married to an abusive husband and then an alcoholic/emotionally destructive husband, it was easy enough to shrug off my hurtful mother ignoring me. I have become a very strong person and meet life head on. I don't hide from life.
Life is short darling. Say your peace and then let go. We can't change people. All we change is ourselves. I wish you well. STOP being afraid of your mother.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 February 2019):
 I suggest you stop seeing her. She had medical staff to help her. So just walk away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2019): P.S.
Your next book could be titled: "How I Made Peace With My Mother."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2019): You're not going to like my answer. Read it anyway!
Your scornful old mother is possibly on her dying-bed. You have a score to settle, my dear. You've been intimidated and stressed by her narcissism all your life. Now is your time to say your final good-bye; and get a load off your shoulders. Your sisters and the nurses can mind their own business. This is between you and her. You should be alone.
You're 64 years old, for crying out-loud! Grow some semblance of a backbone! Time to face your mother and unload what's on your heart. Even if she is totally unaware of what you're saying. Free your soul! She has held it captive for long enough. You have no right to be cruel or insensitive to your mother during illness. You do need your day of reckoning; before she leaves this world. You might even do it over her grave. Forgive my frankness!
Sit-down and write your mother a heartfelt farewell letter.
Something of this nature:
Dear Mother,
In spite of a difficult relationship my sisters and I have with you; we are here because we're your daughters, and we love you. Saying I love you is very difficult for me; because you never gave me good reason to say it without cringing, or becoming extremely emotional. I have always been afraid of you. Not anymore!
Mother, you are suffering in pain; and my human compassion won't allow me to turn my back on you during your bout with cancer. You are our mother, perhaps not the ideal mother; but you gave us life. Mom, you've made life difficult. You have been harsh and overbearing; and I know you're very much aware of the fact. Regardless, I'm saying it to your face.
Mother, I'm going to forgive you. These are words you can take or reject. I don't care, because I plan to go on living without you breaking my heart. I'm going to let the past go, and when you're gone; I'm going to patch things up with my sisters, and we're going to live-on. We're going to bury the past.
Sorry you're in pain, but I do know what pain is. You've inflicted it on me all my life. Now that you're close to meeting your maker; I'll say "you're sorry for all the pain you've caused;" because I know you'd take your last breath before you would say it yourself. If you could, it would heal my heart. If you won't, I will heal and live-on anyway. I'll pray for your soul Mother Dear.
Love,
Your Daughter
Stay by her bedside. If she survives, stay far away from her. If she doesn't survive cancer; you will have unburdened years of pain that you won't carry in your heart to your own deathbed.
Practice reading your own composition of this kind of letter to yourself, over and over. Each time you read it, you will become more empowered; and you will gain the courage.
This is just my suggestion.
Make peace with your yourself. Don't carry this with you the rest of your life. You won't believe the freedom you'll feel!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2019): Say goodbye in your way, your control, you choose. Be aware that somebody like this, may want to leave you with a memory of a bad comment or two, that you have to live with after she has gone. Choose a good moment and say goodbye on your terms not hers, don't let her know just go.
Choose your final words to leave her with, just because she couldn't love does not mean you can not love.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 February 2019):
 You do know you can walk away, don't you? She only has as much control over you as you allow her. My mother was similar with me and my brother, always trying to cause bad feeling between us when we were too young to understand what she was doing. She felt that, if we were getting on, we were "plotting against her", so had to divide and conquer. It was only when we got a bit older (probably in our teens) that we started to understand her tactics and to refuse to fall for them.
It is also totally within your control how you feel when she is mean to you.You can choose to be upset or you can choose to smile indulgently and humour her, or you can even laugh in her face and make a joke of it. It really IS within your control.
Your mother sounds like a severely damaged woman. Don't allow her to drain any more goodness out of your life than she has already succeeded in doing. Spend time with friends who build you up and with your children.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 February 2019):
 I'm so sorry you even have to DEAL with this.
My advice? Make your visits short and "sweet" show up, gauge her mood, if she is being mean or in a bad mood then extricate yourself after 5-10 minutes. YOU DO NOT owe her to sit there and be abused.
If she talks smack about you or your sisters DO NOT participate. Change the topic if you can. If your sisters try and get you into drama SHE started, don't engage.
As for the medical staff... they might judge you, nothing you can do about that. But the day to day staff... KNOW your mother. I'm sure she has put the staff through shit too... a person like her just can't help herself.
THAT is, if you still want to go visit her. You don't HAVE to. Decide how much of her "venom" you want in YOUR life and visit her accordingly.
She can't do SQUAT to you. Instead of wasting time on her, spend time on YOUR kids.
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