A
female
age
30-35,
*mybaby
writes:My boyfriend is nearly 23 years old, we have a house which we rent in a village near our parents houses. We've been together for nearly 4 years now and while ive been with him he hasnt had a job. I find myself having to pay for everything for him. He asks me for money all the time and he eats constantly and we cant afford it. He's on job seekers allowence and I try to get as much money as possible off him but i just cant pay the rent and everything else for him and me. I love him so much but i just dont know what to do! help?
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu +, writes (23 October 2008):
 Oh huni please dont stay with him he hurt you and that is not acceptable under any circumstances, i would pack my bags and move out even if you back to your mum and dads its better then staying with him and you could always move in somewhere with a friend. What he did to you was awful and if you ever need to talk please message me and i will give you a link to a support forum where we can offer you support an advice. Please do not put up with this you deserve better
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): I agree with Irish 49, you need to phone the Helpline for abused women in your area, or contact your local police. Contact these people for help, as this guy sounds dangerous. Don't worry about being alone, at least you will be alive and you will meet somebody that will love you and who will treat you well. Get help, a.s.a.p. don't allow this guy to use and abuse you.
A thought came to mind, Grace Hansen said:
"Don't be afraid your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin".
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): Oh my! I do not care how intense the words were between you-I don't care how badly you both were arguing or what. This man lost control and hurt you..he lashed out at you. He's a troubled, messed up man and this is an issue over power and control and he lost control of himself. It really does not matter why he did this..the fact is, he did it. He has an anger management problem and he simply can't be using you as a punching bag whenever he can't get his temper under control. His actions should frighten you tremendously and they should be telling you something about him. If he's still there, I have to say, please take steps to end to this relationship immediately-I want you to call an abuse hotline, in your area. They will give you the advise and help you need to get this man out of your life for good. Please do it...call! Reach out for help from others. If you find it difficult to leave him. I would think the counselors at these abuse hotlines/shelters, can give you a much clearer perspective into what can happen to your future, if you remain. And they are much better trained than we are, to advise you on the careful steps to getting this man out of your life, in ways where your own life is not in danger. Please do it. Take care, hun and keep us posted.
...............................
A
female
reader, amybaby +, writes (22 October 2008):
amybaby is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for your advice, he is with an agency but even the work he gets there he either says he dont want to do that job or he goes once and dont go again. I would love to just tell him to move out, but i cant afford the rent on my own! its a no win situation :( i can feel myself falling out of love with him. he's constantly nasty and aggressive, a few weeks ago he was accussing me of sleeping with someone else, as i was angry, i slapped him. it wasnt very hard and he can easily take it but he smashed my head into our bedroom wall and broke my thumb and split open my head. I do not want to live like this for the rest of my life, and like most women, i just keep thinking about the fact that i might not find anyone else although i feel like i have nobody anyway. he havnt had sex for 3 months. he makes up constant excuses and i dont know how to feel about that, its really upsetting me. i dont know what to do :(
...............................
A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu +, writes (22 October 2008):
I dont know how you have managed to put up with looking after your boyfriend for 4 years because he is not working. Tell him to get a job or get out, its incredibly unfair that you have to work and pay for everything. How can someone be unemployed for that long, tell him to join an agency you get work straight away and the money is pretty good.
You dont deserve this you should not have to pay for everything thats not how a relationship works it should be equal especially if you have a place together, you should not be expected to pay for everything because he cant be botherd to get a job thats just selfish and lazy.
You may love him but dont you think you deserve someone who can look after you sometimes, and spoil you and take you out and make you feel special?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): Gosh, 4 years is a long time to go without working! But I do have to ask, is he depressed? Sometimes, people lose their ambition to function in life, when going through this. If not, Mamamia is right, there's really nothing you can do for him. Your guy needs to find the strength and motivation within himself to make something of his life. Asking him to leave, if he doesn't find steady work, may be the "tough love" answer to get him up and going. I'm just guessing here, but it's possible you've taken on something of a "mothering" role-nagging, lecturing. This often is the case in a relationship of this sort. If you have done this-ask yourself---is this the kind of relationship you want? I think not..no one wants that type of relationship.
He can't be a "man" for you until he takes charge of his own life of his own volition. You owe it to yourself to have a straightforward, tough talk and tell him, to start taking steps to help himself and take on a few more responsibilities. Give that problem back to him and stop making it easy for him. It feels so wonderful to be with a strong, purposeful, self directed man. If he can't be that for you-then go find one of those. Or.. you can take the easier way out-accept him this way, and keep yourself busy until he straightens up. But be forewarned, that may take many more years and do you want to wait that long? It's not your responsibility to keep looking after him. You're his gf and this relationship is greatly unbalanced..with you taking on all the responsibilities of everyday life (bills, rent, food, etc) That's unfair and let me ask...how much respect do you have for him when he doesn't appear strong enough to work on himself and pull his weight? You could be fighting a losing battle and you cannot make someone change. They have to want to change for themselves.
Your common sense and heart knows the best decision. But ultimately, do what's right for you and for your sanity. I know you don't enjoy nagging and mothering him, so if you are doing this...stop. If you want a boyfriend who's self-sufficient, let him know he has to become that. He won't become that- with you leading the way. Just some thoughts to think about..you have some big decisions to make and I wish you well. Good luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): Give him an ultimatum: either he gets a job or he moves out. Do you want tolive like this for the rest of your life? Do you have any respect for this guy that you have to support? How can there be a future for you with this guy, get rid of him. He sounds lazy and spineless. Sorry, but I think you should just dumpt him.
...............................
|
