A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My bf is NOT good for me, at all, and I know I'll be much better off without him in the end but he's gotten into my head so bad that I feel like I can't do any better. He's made me feel like there's numerous women pining for him and how I should be "lucky" to have him. On top of that, he's emotionally distant every other week it seems like and I never truly know where we stand and then I get in my head that he's seeing one of those "many" other women. Here's the problem, he's terrible, I realize this, yet I can't bring myself to leave. In the beginning he seemed wonderful and I fell for him. I still have *feelings* for him but to be honest, I have no idea why. I think it's that little feeling of love that I've stuck around much longer than I should have. We've been together for years. Here's the details:1) - My boyfriend is 36 years old. He currently has no job and can't hold one down for longer than a year, usually not even that long. He has no car, hasn't had one throughout our entire relationship. He's moved about 16x during our relationship and is currently living (for the past 7 months) at his friend's house and his friend's mother, where he sleeps in the basement on a twin size mattress on the floor. He sleeps all day and stays up all night playing video games. 2) - He's highly addicted to weed and spends his last dime on getting a dime, therefore he's always broke. He even fakes injuries so he can get pills at the hospital in order to trade them for weed. He'll often sell his food stamps for weed and will be hungry as a result. There's also been a rumor, from his own family, that when his mother was in the hospital dying he stole her pain patch and sold it for weed. She passed away so she isn't here to tell us. At the time, I didn't believe he'd do that, but now there's no doubt in my mind.3) - He's not very clean. He'll go a week sometimes without bathing and will sometimes smell nasty. The times we've showered together he wouldn't even wash his ass, he'd ignore that part. He sometimes smells like poop as if his hands have touched it or he used the bathroom and didn't wipe very well. He hardly brushes his teeth and they're absolutely horrible, often bleeding gums. Out of not wanting to be mean or hurt him I've never said anything about his hygiene. Yet when we start to get intimate, he'll make a comment about his "sweaty balls" therefore he knows, he just doesn't seem to care. 4) - He's addicted to masturbating. He beats off to everything with a pulse pretty much. He behaves as if he's never saw a pair of tits in his life. He even plays video games where the characters are naked females and you can make their tits jiggle up and down. He finds this kind of stuff amusing. I'm no prude but I find it childish. Every time we have sex he blows within 5 minutes, if I don't initiate it. If I initiate it it's even less than that. He seems extremely overly sexual.5) - He has this habit of neglecting me. He'll go days without speaking to me and then come around as if everything is fine. It's been told that he has a history of this and has ruined every relationship he's ever had. He'd pick up the phone to make a weed deal before he'd pick it up to call me. He has acknowledged he has this problem but that he doesn't know why he does it. We haven't had a real conversation in about 6 days. He got on facebook earlier (and will probably be on there all night) and didn't even say anything to me so in the meantime I just wait until the time comes that he wants to reach out. He makes me feel like I'm invisible 90% of the time. Right now we're at that neglecting me stage, and it's been going on for about a week now. Once in a blue moon he'll make an effort but it's hardly ever. The last thing he did for me was made me some cd's and bought my dinner on Valentine's Day. Before that, I don't remember.There's just SO many reasons to run for he hills but for some reason I keep holding onto him. I work, have a car, and am the complete opposite of him. I've never even been with anyone like him in my past. Everybody I've EVER been with has been better than this guy so I don't understand it. I read this over and over to myself and it doesn't seem like he's that appealing or that women are knocking down his door like he wants me to believe. Yet somehow he's made me so insecure and jealous that I can't find it in me to leave. I need some advice on what to do.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 March 2015):
 Stop watching him on facebook too... that will help
You are mourning a loss and there will be bad times ahead.
DO NOT CAVE in. Do not give him what he wants... your attention. He has addiction issues (sugar is part and parcel of addictions go to an AA meeting and see how much junk is there... my husband brings me cookies from him meetings) and his giving candy to his dealer is just his way of trying to buy good graces (and extra weed)
Keep a running list of all the idiot things he does that disrespect you and make you angry and every time you think you miss HIM read that list.
feel free to contact me privately if you want to cave and contact him. PM me instead.
6 weeks from now you will be starting to feel human.... give yourself time. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of what you wanted him to be and had hoped for.
You have done nothing wrong in caring for someone who could not reciprocate your feelings as an adult. You are very wise to get out now. Be Brave.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2015): OP here. Well, I did it. I just blocked him on everything and I guess you can say it's over. I actually saw him right after this post and he seemed fine, until I left to go back home. He's been distant this entire week, not making contact for 3 days. The last straw for me was today when he finally contacted me he said "good morn sexy ass I'd like to see u tmrw if you're not busy". I replied that I couldn't come because it was short notice and if he'd asked me the day before I probably could have. He read it, didn't reply, and 30 minutes later he was on facebook liking all kinds of sexy pictures. Out of respect he didn't want me publically liking men's sexy pictures so I didn't. This says to me that he really doesn't care how I feel or what I think.
The next thing that pushed me over the edge was when, just a couple of hours ago, a female, whom I've met, posted on his timeline that he had gotten her 3 things of candy for her birthday. She isnt even his friend, she's someone he gets weed off of. He thought more about her then he has me in a long time. I know he's getting pleasure out of treating me this way and watching me get upset, so I've walked away. I don't know what I feel right now.
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A
female
reader, LJCX  +, writes (7 March 2015):
 Is he taking other things besides weed. The way you say he acts like he's never seen breasts before and masturbates sounds like people who do meth or speed and are hyper-sexualised. Also this inflated ego saying that all these other women want to be with him. He's a massive loser, please get rid of him. My ex took drugs and was just like that, he thought he was so much better than me and I was lucky to have him. I spent a long time believing that. But now he's in jail for DUI, cannabis possession, assaulting me....there's a whole list of things he's done while he was on bail. And now he can't contact me and I've spent time apart from him I realise I was the better person and he was lucky to have ME. Hold your head up high and dump him.
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A
male
reader, dayvide  +, writes (6 March 2015):
 I think you are dealing with a total loser here and I don't think you should be this worried or thinking if to leave him or not.. You actually don't get anything from this lil man.. No love, no care, no planning together, always being egotistic about how many women run after him and he doesn't even know how to have real sex with you.. That's a no no for me..I think you should detach yourself from him, see yourself as the best lady in the world and for that reason you deserve the best in the market.. You should roll with people who are a positive influence in your life not those who will stain it with bs.. He smokes weed and loves it more than you? Just move on honey a better man is waiting
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 March 2015):
 Let'sa truncate your submittal to the important information. To wit:
"...My bf is NOT good for me, at all, and I know I'll be much better off without him in the end but he's gotten into my head so bad that I feel like I can't do any better. He's made me feel like...."
1. You're right. He's NOT "good for you, at all..." .... and, YES, you'll be better off without him....
2. Chase him OUT of "your head"....
3. You CAN'T do much (or, ANY) worse..... So you CAN "do better." BEING ALONE would "be better..."
4. He CAN'T "... make your feel like..." UNLESS you let him do so...
This is classic..... Dump him. You and he are INCOMPATIBLE.. Go on in your life WITHOUT HIM....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 March 2015):
 Sorry, but I see NOTHING you mention being a good trait in a partner, NOTHING.
Your excuse for staying with him is kind of telling:
(and I quote you)
"Yet somehow he's made me so insecure and jealous that I can't find it in me to leave"
He didn't MAKE you insecure. He might have made you feel insignificant, but insecure? No. Jealous? Of what? The pixels in a computer game? Other women? You really think ANY other woman WHO is sane would want to put up with this guy?
If you somehow think you can't DO better and THAT is why you are staying , then well... welcome to your future.
You said it yourself. You have a job, a home, a car, you take care of yourself and your hygiene. You REALLY think "that" (point to your loser BF) is the BEST you can do?
NO ONE here can MAKE you see that YOUR are part of your own misery. That ALL it takes, is to call him and say hey:" Bob, I don't see this going anywhere and I want more in life then a BF who rather spank the monkey and smoke weed. I wish you good luck and I'm going to cut the contact 100% - I'm not wanting to "be friends" either."
Then you DO JUST that, block and unfriend on Facebook, block his number, delete his number so you don't get tempted to reach out.
Spend time with FAMILY (if you have a decent family) and REAL friends. If you start to think about him too much, pick up a hobby or volunteer on Saturdays/Sundays, focus on that.
I DO think there is some kind of odd co-dependency going on here. You "think" you can fix him, SAVE him. You can't. The thing you DO like about him is what you THINK is his potential. You think he has the potential to be a good guy, good BF, clean, great lover, considerate, ya-ya... You can't DATE potential. That is like buying a fixer upper house, and NOT have the money NOR the ability to fix a thing. All you are left with is a messed up house, that might just fall down on your head.
Decide what you want for YOURSELF. More of this guy? Or someone better suited? Or even to be SINGLE a while.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 March 2015):
You are correct NO ONE but you wants him. What a winner he is OP! (end sarcasm)
So what we have to figure out is why you won't leave a man-child you know you should leave, that you WANT to leave but you don't leave.
Is being with this guy better than being alone?
do you think you can fix him? (you can't) AND if you do then get a hold of the book "co dependent no more" and read it.
is he your first boyfriend... if not then you KNOW you can meet and date new men....
take a personal inventory... list your good points and your bad points... figure out what you have to offer others. then use that as a spring board to get away from this guy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2015): Wow! You have a total looser and all he needs now is a criminal record to his pointless resume. Besides, imagine all the health problems that will hit him in about 4 years and how obligated will you be to take care of his screwed up liver, detox regimens, relapses, diabetes, high cholesterol... And guess who will have to pay for all that? It sure ain't gonna be any of the other girls that are allegedly lining up for him. Look, I don't know how to tell you to run away from a looser. Granted, attachment is part of the female genetic make up, but you are transforming that virtue into a self-destructive vice. Usually, girls attach to a drug addict because they need someone else to blame for their addiction... but what's the deal with you if you don't take drugs. Examine what attracts you to him, look up attachment issue and cut your ties with this looser.
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (6 March 2015):
I have to agree with janniepeg. Please stop finding comfort in the fact that he is slightly dependent on you and stop reveling in that. You need to get out of being used to him and start building your life. Now that you know he isn't good for you, stop making excuses to stay, and make the choice of moving on. You deserve better. So, it doesn't really matter if there is a chance that any other woman wants him at all. What matters is what you expect as well. Compromise is one thing, not giving yourself any importance a complete different thing.
Do what'd best for you
good luck
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (6 March 2015):
 He is not good for you but you are staying because the idea that he's not good for anyone either brings you some security that he would always be around and not hurt you. He is also dependent on you for transportation. Although he was able to charm you at the beginning. He knows he has no problem lying to other girls. He is not motivated by being a better man because his life can not get any more rotten than this. He has nothing much to lose. You want so very much to believe he would do something for himself. Giving up seems like giving up on the entire humanity. Since he's always in neglecting mode it wouldn't be hard to just let him fall off your memory. Let it die a natural death. If he texts you again stop answering.
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