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anonymous
writes:My bf has been emotionally abusive towards me. He tells me no one else will put up with me. He threatens to break up with me to get his own way. Whenever he's not in a good mood he yells at me and makes me feel guilty for anything I do until I say sorry for things I shouldnt be sorry for. He has no respect for me. He tells me I shouldn't be talking to my mum about this either...that suggests to me he knows what he is doing is wrong. He manipulated me into giving up a friendship with a close male friend because he was jealous. Im 18 and he is 19. He is my first real bf. I know the 'right' answer is to break up with him, but I love him and I love him when he is decent to me. What also makes it hard to break up with him is the fact that I had sex with him. I was a virgin before. It wasnt long after that that his behaviour turned abusive. I dont know what to do. I dont want to give up on him because I feel that since I had sex with him, I need to give it every chance I can to make it work. Please help, give me your opinions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): I understand how you feel right now im trying to leave my fiance. But its supper hard because i love him he always use the sweet talk after also because we have 2 babies together.But i now i want to leave i just need the strangth to and right now i dont feel like i have it.But i need to leave soon before my babies learn how to hurt others because my son already hits me and i cry inside because i dont want him to turn out abusive.Anyone want to try and help me through this hard time?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): Ok... like many other people who have replied, I was once in this situation. I couldn't leave him because at the time i thought it was love, but shortly realising afterwards it was because i was afraid to be alone. I gave up a friendship with a boy who had been there for me through everything, just because my boyfriend was jealous. Don't blame yourself for anything he has done to you. I told my boyfriend a really huge family secret which wasnt mine to tell, which i was aware he could use against me at any time, but i just had to get on with it. It's easy for people to say 'leave him' but you are emotionally attatched. You have to do this for yourself. I learned to respect myself, and here I am four months later. I have saw him around once or twice, and still panick, but at least I know that one day I will meet somebody who will treat me with the respect I deserve. I am only 17 and still have a lot more life to live before i decide to settle down! Go out there and do everything you have ever wanted to do. Gain your power back and enjoy life... you deserve it xxx
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reader, -Colour-Me-Sober-  +, writes (13 August 2007):
 Well done for leaving him! You did the right thing. It is going to be hard to cope but now you're single so try and enjoy it. Try going out where your age group hangs out and mingle. Flirt with the guys you like and get to know them and sooner or later you'll have a respectable boyfriend.Good Luck = ]
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did it, i broke up with him. I tried calling him and stuff but he woudlnt pick up the phone so I couldnt organise to do it in person. I just sent him a text message and said I didnt think it was going to work out between us anymore. I got an abusive message back :( It really hurt. But i guess maybe that just shows his hurt, through his anger?
Now im unsure of how to cope. I still feel really down and depressed. I feel un loved.
martini- yeah i do have self esteem issues. and i only feel loved when im with my bf...ex bf. i dont know how to deal with this.
any help guys?
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female
reader, missconfused  +, writes (10 August 2007):
 wow im in the same position my bf is the same if you can get away from him find a way dont stay b/c your just gonna go crazy and since he took your viginity he thinks your his property now let him go and dont let him come back in your life b/c in the long run its just gonna be worser dont let him take your happiness away 5 minutes of fun isnt worth 23:55 minutes of torment and unhappiness
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2007): ++I know the 'right' answer is to break up with him, but I love him and I love him when he is decent to me.++
This is a sure sign that you have self-esteem issues. The key part of your comment above is: "I love him WHEN he is decent to me."
Let me ask you, do you love yourself or accept yourself the way you are or potentially can be, or do you need someone else to love you to show your worth?
Being 18 is nothing. If you live a healthy sturdy life, you still have a long way to go. This boyfriend of yours can either make you feel like crap, thus controlling everything you do and feel, or he can be a wake-up call for you that you most likely deserve better.
No man or woman should be decent to their 'lovers' WHEN it fits their mood. Every man or woman should be decent to their lovers regardless of their mood. It's easy to sweet talk, but actions of your boyfriend obviously don't hold up to his sweet talking, now does he?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2007): I was in the same situation and I started meeting other guys, not to sleep with but to see if I was able to meet anyone nice. I went on one date and nothing happened but I did this while my boyfriend was in a mean period. I had to see if he was right about me being so awful and so unlovable. I kept in touch with a few guys who are nice and I told all my friends and family about his abuse. we broke up yesterday even though I didnt want to as sick as that sounds. but I finally got the nerve to tell him off and slam the door in his face and today I am going out with someone new for dinner and I am going to suffer and forget about him once and for all. I am crying and sad yes, but another part of me feels good for telling him what a horrible man he is and telling him to get lost forever. I feel pretty good today. and so will you hon. please do it, I was once in another abusive relationship when I was much younger and it was horrible, it becomes worse and worse and you become lonlier and lonlier and more frightened and more weak and vicimized. be strong and be a trooper and take off and life a good life with your family and friends, you can do it!!!!!!!!remember this quote president roosevelt once said "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself". god there are so many men in the world, why settle for less that you are, unless you think that he is right and you are worthless? ;) take care, I know its difficult
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2007): I think that just the fact that you are coming out and talking about it, even here, is really brave of you. And it shows that you acknowledge and you are very intuitive that there is a problem, that you really care about improving your situation and that you want to make the right choice. And your not trying to hide behind vision goggles. And I think that is very mature of you. And I think that is the first step and even half the battle. So you are way on the right track.But gosh I don't even know your boyfriend and I hate him. Since you are having anxieties about leaving him, I think that you should tell your mom what's going on. And any close friends you might have. Speak up and tell them. With them knowing, and with their support and wisdom and advice, I think you can get through this. And you'll be just fine and better than before. Good luck to you.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 August 2007):
 Here I see the problem that we all have had: we know, with our brain, what we should do; but our heart doesn't let us do it.
You have correctly described this guy as abusive. I would add, controlling. However, he is not decent to you: he should be "decent" all of the time, not only a few moments, in between bad behavior. You should not put up with him, no matter what.
The fact that you had sex with him doesn't mean you have to give it every chance to make it work.
And then, I wonder what "giving it every chance" means. If you take this to mean that you should bend to anything he wants, then, I don't agree, and I don't think anyone would or will. And then, what about him? What is he doing to make this work? Nothing. He is the one who doesn't let the relationship work as it should.
If a relationship doesn't make you happy but, instead, you find yourself being disrespected, upset, sad, with low self-esteem, et cetera, then the relationship is no good. A good relationship would make you glow.
Leave this man, dearest. You owe it to yourself.
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reader, -Colour-Me-Sober- +, writes (10 August 2007):
Leave him. He is so not worth it. There are plenty of other decent guys out there who will treat you with the respect you deserve.
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reader, duskyrowe +, writes (10 August 2007):
 Leave this nasty piece of work, you can do better than this SCUM BAG.
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