A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend of 5 years, a christian and a deacon at our church, decided to abstain from sex about 4 years ago (within our relationship), but believes that oral sex is perfectly ok because there's no penetration. what do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): I am truely glad with your answer, I think your decision is the right one. I'm not sure if your partner can marry you or not, but if he can, then he should not be having sexual relations of any sort until they are blessed by your church.
I'm glad your aware that God can see into your heart, and I'm sure he will be pleased for you and admires your strength, to stay strong and deny this man sexual relations without the blessings of your church. Situations and solutions are different when you are Christians, and it is better to make love, with God's full blessing than continue to have this second hand alternative to sex, love and intimacy. Coupled with shame and guilt and lies and deceit, it is unfair on you to continue like this. I hope you can remain celibate until he remembers that marriage is the solution to his problems, if he cannot give you the security you need, then I hope you are stong enough to leave him for a man who is free to love you totally and show you more respect and show you with his body everything he feels in his heart. Take care of you, good luck, you've done well. Blessings.....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your advice. It's not easy to leave someone after 5 years. I love him very much, but after being this way for 4 years it's a fine line between love and lust when it comes to be intimate at this point. I feel like this is all about him and this relationship has nothing to do with me and my feelings. God knows my heart and he knows that I want to marry him, He knows that this doesn't set well with me however I don't want to lose him because of sex. So, I will take the advice of the anonymous and astain altogether. It's not like I'm not used to it by now. Thanks again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): Your boyfriend is a hypocrite. Oral sex is still sex and if penetrative sex is forbidden then so is this. He needs to decide if he wants to be celibate or he wants to be sexually active with you. I don't think this half way house that he has choosen will cut in with the God he claims that he loves. Remember according to Christian belief, God sees and knows everything, including the deepest secrets we hold in our heart.
Your boyfriend is being very unfair to you. If he chooses not to have penetrative sex then that is his decision, but why should you have to suffer alongside him. I'm not sure what church you belong to, but if marriage is allowed, after 5years he should be considering that. If he needs to be celibate then he should let you go to find somebody else free to marry you and give you the fullfilling sex life that you deserve.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): I think this is ridiculous. Your boyfriend may be Christian, but at the end of the day sex is sex...penetrative, oral or otherwise. He seems like he has double standards. You are both consenting adults and of an age where expressing your love for each other should be enjoyed fully! I believe that sex is an integral part of a relationship! I suspect that you may feel the same way. My advise would be to sit him down and try to understand why he is doing this and taking this on board, explain to him how you feel! After all, your feelings and beliefs are just as important as his.
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A
male
reader, logicdebates +, writes (22 June 2008):
Oral sex is third base. Less risky than intercourse or anal sex, 4th base. He is making the right choice abstaining, it's a healthy thing. Please realize there is so much more to a relationship than sex. Do you love him or lust for him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): Oral sex counts as sex (it's called oral "sex", isn't it?). Sexual activities according to Christians are meant to be kept within the marriage bed only.
Tell him that you believe that oral sex and other sexual activities are prohibited too by his religion and you wouldn't want to violate his beliefs. Then abstain from giving him anything. He will realize this isn't workable.
Seeing as God prefers people when they get married to stay married, I don't believe he would object to premarital sex if it helps a couple solidify their relationship and prevents a divorce after marriage because the couple aren't sexually compatible. The prohibition on no sexual activity before marriage is meant to prevent promiscuity; but surely God isn't so petty as to say it is bad within a loving relationship.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (22 June 2008):
Well it's not up to me, it's up to you and him.
If you think that's hypocritical then don't be with him, if you think its fine then go for it.
Does this mean you will never ever have sex? What if you got married? Does he want to marry one day or is he just looking for a good time without feeling guilty about it?
Talk to him about it and find out what his intentions are, if you are happy with them fine, if not then find someone else.
Good Luck!! xx
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