A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 15 years. I have been unhappy and unfulfilled. I have not had any / hardly any sex for at least half that time with my husband. The reasons are many and varied on my part. I no longer find my husband emotionally attractive although I have tried and so I no longer feel I want to be intimate in fact it is quite a repulsive thought. The last time we had sex that I can remember I just laid there numb and could not respond and he said (sorry to be crude but it was his words) that it was like 'sha**ing a corpse'. He has been derogatory about me physically and I cannot be bothered to invest in it anymore. He has let me down regarding family loyalty issues on numerous occasions and has been what I would describe as emotionally cruel on a fairly regular basis. The only yardstick I have for knowing this is as he is the only man I knew before we married is that other people tell me they would have left years ago. However I just seem to put up with it. One day he can be ok the next he has a 'cold front' for no reason and I am relieved when he goes to work and the house is empty. On the one hand he comments on my appearance or my life negatively and then the next day he may say something positive. It is up and down each day and even each hour with his mood. I have started to be a hermit and feel really at odds with who I am. I've worked through a couple of self help books and whilst they have helped a little in me considering direction in life I still remain somehow mentally stuck in staying in this empty relationship. I seem also to make decisions around his life plans which he seems to readily make independently of my hopes and dreams. For example he is yet again looking to change jobs which could mean a move anywhere in England - at the same time he knows I had hoped to re-skill in something and possibly do a degree as a mature student. Now I feel everything is unstable - to add to the instability I feel day to day. He has blamed me for not knowing precisely what I do want but I have lived around his needs for so long I go on auto and back down.Recently I have tried to spend some time boosting my selfesteem in the hope I can improve my life. He tells me I need to 'love myself' but will just as readily undermine me. I spent very little money but shopped carefully and wisely to refresh my image and used ebay and charity shops as I don't have a lot of money. However much I love them the clothes remain in the wardrobe. I also buy make up and leave it in the drawer. My husband invited me out for lunch last week (only time in the last 6 months we have been out)and he hurried through it and when I went to order a desert he said he'd already paid the bill to go. I had made an effort to wear nice things but I just felt numb again and the whole thing has knocked me flat. I feel like it is the end of the line. I get no joy from what we do and find I am just going through the motions. I can no longer be bothered and this is spilling over into my health - I have put on half a stone at least in the last 2 months and I am now into drinking half a bottle of wine every night to block things out. This may not sound a lot to some people but I am aware of the reasons I am doing it. I fantasise about a new life with a different man but don't have the guts to do anything about it. How can I just..... I dunno...take action! Any help from anyone who has been there, really appreciated.
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female
reader, Bex37 +, writes (22 June 2008):
Sometimes things just end. Relationships end. And life is definitely too short to be unhappy and risk your health. It will take all the courage you can possibly muster but judging from what you've written, I think you know that deep down your only option is to leave him and get on with your OWN life. Why stay with a man you don't love and who, from the sound of it, doesn't love you anymore either? I know that sounds really harsh but I've done it myself - stayed in a relationship long after I should have left and it just gets worse and worse, believe me. There's no age limit on meeting someone new so just tell him that it's over and start living!
A
female
reader, lalybug2008  +, writes (22 June 2008):
 While I've never been married for the length of time you have, I know how you're feeling. I was married for 4 1/2 yrs but with the man for 6 1/2. He was very controlling and manipulative. The relationship I'm in now is much the same. The only advice I can offer is to do what you feel is best for you. Easier said than done, I of all people know that. I too do the self help things, trying to boost my self esteem, self confidence and self image - all to no avail. When you're with someone that continuously brings you down, I don't know if anything can help. It's like that old Shakespeare quote, "To thine own self be true..." I was a firm believer in the vows of marriage. However, with my own personal experience, my beliefs have somewhat changed. You can try marriage counseling or other methods of therapy. Or you could just do what you feel you have to do for the sake of your sanity, your person and those that are involved. I wish you the best of luck.
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