A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:First of all, I apologize for my grammatical mistake in English.I have been reading your website for a whole day and I think I really need your help.I am Thai 32 years old, my boyfriend is 23 years old british, we ‘ve known each other for 4 years and been together for more than 3 years.I have spent time in the UK with him for about 2 years then I have to go back to my country to work as we planned our future that he would go for master degree and I would be working in the meantime and when he finish his degree and get a job we will be married. After I left the UK we still talking on msn or skype everyday and phone calls sometimes.The disaster was coming when he start university. Just a week after the course start.She is a Chinese girl , studying master degree in psychopathology in the university, one year younger than him.He told me that he only thought about friendship at the beginning but he found her attractive and pretty as well. He said he was genuine wanted to be only friend with her and keep me as girl friend.The problem started after they know each other for only a week when she told him that she fall for him more than friend and wanted him to be with her. At that time he told her that he had me and want to be only friend with her but that woman didn’t give up. She told him that if he wouldn’t become her boyfriend then she doesn’t want to be his friend either and wouldn’t talk to him again anymore. Before she left, she return to kiss him on lips suddenly. After that she totally ignored him which hurt him a lot. He confessed to me later that he was tempted to run to her and beg her to come back to be his friend again. He confess everything to me just one day after it happened and promised me that he would cut her off and will never talk to her again if I forgive him. 4-5 hours after I talked to him on phone about this problem she called him and asked to talk to him. He started breaking the promise by going to talk to her and they end up kissing. The next day he said he think he wanted to break up with me because he didn’t want me to be like his mum ( his dad kept cheating on his mum many times) as he could turn to be a person like his dad. I know it was just his excuse.I kept begging him to come back to me and finally he came back to me in November 2010. He said he was scared that he would fall in love with her eventually so he wanted to stop it and did the right thing by coming back to me. After he broke up with her he was very very sad and emotional. She kept coming back to his room to ask him to come back to her again but luckily he didn’t,He promised me that he would not let her come to his room and never go to her room again and never talk or touch her again.Yes, he lied, they still talked and they end up nearly had sex again in the early December which was only 1 week before I visit him. On that night. I left my web cam on and he still had my webcam on his screen. He told me that she fool him that she just wanted to study with him so he accept her to come to his room and he forgot that my webcam was on his screen because he didn’t look.They almost have sex, they kissed and did foreplay but no intercourse ( that is what he told me)then he felt guilty and asked her to leave the room and said she fooled him in order to get into his room. After that he confessed with me again and asked him to forgive. He promised that he would delete her phone number, facebook , email, etc. and I trusted him.When I visit him and his family in the UK in late December 2010 he still felt sad, I asked him to delete her photo but he didn’t want to. He said he wanted to keep memory about her and also said he loved only me and wanted to be with me. And I was stupid enough to believe him.I came back to work in my country after Christmas and we still on skype everyday. My anger about his cheating got started. I kept complaining that he didn’t love me enough that’s why he cheated on me. We had fight and argument on internet for a few months until he visited me in Thailand in April for 2 weeks. Things seemed ok as we really enjoy our time together and he proved that he really love me until he gone back to the UK. I started being paranoid and search for fighting again when I heard him mentioned her name and what they had done together when they were together. I told him that I want to see her and ask why she did that to me and he said my action brought back his memory about her but I think it wasn’t because of me but him.The second disastrous wave was coming on the next day. He took me to BBQ party of his college. This is the first time that he saw her after 6 months no contact. We saw her kept walking by us, deliberately. She kept walk passing him and act like ignoring him at the same times. She was taking her new guy around us. That made my boyfriend went crazy. After we left the party he said he was tempted to talk to her again and he looked really bad, he was crying a little bit too, he said he didn’t want her to ignore him as he had sacrifice our relationship for her once so he wanted it to mean something for her like it means something for him. I asked him if he still want to be with me forever and he said he didn’t know the future Z a few days before this he still said we will be together forever no matter what. It is funny, isn’t it?) I cried a river but he still not care about my feeling, still thinking about finding the way talking to her again. He had been annoyed for a whole day so I told him to text her. Another truth revealed by now that he still kept her phone number in a small piece of paper and he kept it very well. Yes, he text her and asked for talking again but she was silent. He had been waiting for awhile then he couldn’t wait anymore and told me that he needed to go for walk for the fresh air. He’d been walking for more than hour then he came back to see me and confess that he called her but she said “yuck” then hung up on him. He stated that this made him feel like everything resolved and now the other truths revealed again. He kept her ear-ring, a piece of paper with her hand writing, the songs she likes in his computer bookmark. He said he wasn’t sure whether to destroy her earring or return it back to her. Finally we destroy her earring together by flushing in the toilet and I saw him rip that piece of paper apart and delete her songs from bookmark. I think it was his anger, doesn’t mean he really want to forget about her. He said he hated her now and wanted to forget about her. He asked me to accept him back and promised again that he would be stronger and less naïve and will stay with me forever but I don’t think I could believe his words as he might change again. ( you see, seeing her face only once already made him change his mind) he told me before that the reason that he cheated first time was because he missed me and I was far away, but what about this time? I was right next to him, holding his hand but he still think about her. He even admitted that he was wishing I’d gone back to my country on that day. I admit that my feeling has completely changed now, even worse than after first time he cheated. I feel like he still emotionally cheat and the only one reason that he came back to be was because she rejected him this time. Today ( 4days after seeing her and 1day before I go back to my country) he tell me everything will be ok, he will try to cope with it. He says he will be strong if he see her again and never want to be friend with her anymore. Do you think it is trustable? I don’t think he is lying but I mean I fail once, is it possible for him to fail again? Moreover, I always feel sad when I hear anything about Chinese because she is Chinese. Is it normal? I don’t mean to be racist but thing about Chinese hurt me a lot this days Does he still in love with me? Does he really love me? If he does why he still have feeling for her that much? Does he really want to forget about her? If yes, why just now? Why not 6months ago? How could he fooled me for 6 months that he had only me in his heart. Why didn’t he care about my feeling at all. I understand about his first time cheating but I really don’t understand about why meeting her again at the BBQ party could made him want to trade me again.IF he really love me ad want to be with me, how can I do to make him forget that Chinese girl? How can I help myself to trust him again?Thank you very much
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broke up, cheated on me, christmas, facebook, foreplay, his ex, kissing, msn, text, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2011): if i were you, let him with that girl because if he really loves you he'll never do that to you. He cheated to you so many times.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've talked to him lastnight. I told him that i was willing to let him go and will be friend with him. He said he doesnt want to break up and willing to marry me. He said it was just a hard time for him and want to pass through it. He also asked me to give him time and be patient with him.
His answer really confuse me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2011): "He is trying not to see her again but it seems painful for him :("
He still loves her. Let him go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe could stay away from her and he has for 6 months even they live only 50 meters from each other. but after seeing her face again made him go crazy :( . He is trying not to see her again but it seems painful for him :(
He said he chose me and willing to be with me but he looks hurt too. Should i let him go back to her?
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A
female
reader, muso888  +, writes (2 July 2011):
I think you have to let him go.
It's really hard, I know, especially when he says he wants to be with you like this. But it's been so long now and he still obviously cares for her so much. He can't stay away from her.
Don't you want to be with a man who loves you and only you?
You can do better, he is too immature for the relationship you want and need. You and he are only going to keep getting hurt this way, as long as this girl is still around, and she will be until his degree is finished.
Besides, he has already cheated on you so many times. It isn't over for him, and it obviously isn't over for her. I think there is a lot more happening than you know about.
I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear, but I really think that the hurt you feel now is only going to get worse and worse. Even if he drops this girl for good you will always worry and feel resentful over this.
Good luck, let us know how you get on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2011): Moreover, I always feel sad when I hear anything about Chinese because she is Chinese. Is it normal?
Yes this is normal, it means you have built an negative anchor to all things Chinese, it doesnt mean you are racist, as you would have disliked Chinese things before this girl entered your life. You have just made a link between negative feelings caused by your bf's relationship with her and and to an obvious fact about her, that she is Chinese. PErfectly normal and can be broken.
Does he still in love with me? Does he really love me? If he does why he still have feeling for her that much?
I'm not sure he loves you as much as before, as if he id, this girl would not have affected him as much as she did.
IF he really love me ad want to be with me, how can I do to make him forget that Chinese girl?
You cant make someone forget another person.
How can I help myself to trust him again?
Slowly, over time as he proves to you that you are all that he wants by not talking to her, cutting out all memories of her from his life and not doing the same to you with another girl
Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2011): He will "try to cope with it?". He's obviously in love with this other woman because he can't stay away from her. He's not to be trusted, that's obvious. I'm sorry but your relationship ended as soon as he developed feelings for this other woman.
You can't make him forget about her if he loves her. It's impossible. I think it's best you go your separate ways.
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A
male
reader, Partyboy123  +, writes (2 July 2011):
 Hey,
having sex and climaxing releases endorphin's and oxytocin, that is why having sex with someone creates such a bond, if you two haven't had sex yet, then this makes a lot of sense, him having sex with the other girl has bound him to her, he has such strong feelings for her because of this bond.
cheating leads to this, marriages are destroyed.
you know the saying "once a cheater always a cheater"?, it isn't 100% true, but it's impossible to trust someone after they have cheated.
i think you should breakup with that jackass, he ruined the relationship, tainted it. he doesn't deserve someone as loyal as you!
options:
1. dump him
2. dump him
3. dump him
GET OUT, who wouldn't?
that would be my first instinct:
1. cheated
2. i don't trust him
3. he has feelings for someone else
4. i'm gonna move on so i don't get hurt in the future
that's how i look at it
hope i helped.
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