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female
age
41-50,
*eri
writes: Ive been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years we are both 26 live together and have a great life. The one thing which is stopping it being perfect is the way i am when he says he is going out. He goes out twice a week at most with his friends to the local pub. I start being funny and cold with him becuase he says he is going out. I see my friends as well and he never has aproblem with it. I feel so stupid for acting like this and i dont want to do it anymore. It never used to be a problem but now i feel so insecure. Mainly becuase his 2 friedns where single and he always stays out till the end of the night. I worry that if we decide to start a family he will still be going out and ill be on my own with baby even though we have no plans as yet to start a family. Writing this is sounds so stupid but it causes big problems for us becuase he doesn't understand why its a problem all he is doing is having a few drinks with his friends which i enjoy doing as well. He has never done anything really major to make me think he has ever done anything. I should also note my ex boyfriend cheated on me and my father had an affair which of course had an effect on me. any advice would be great.
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affair, cheated on me, insecure, my ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (5 January 2007):
 You can not and should not tell somebody they can't go out. Why would you? Do you really think somebody will enjoy being with you if you try and regulate what they do? What's next, you can't work with the opposite sex, can't join a particular club because of the opposite sex? That is a crazy way to live. Unless the person is really abusing the situation, why do you feel the need to govern what they do. If you are wrong about something, you need to change. You shouldn't expect your partner to adapt their normal behaviour to match your abnormal behaviour. That would solve nothing.
A
female
reader, Reebe  +, writes (5 January 2007):
 You 2 need to talk about this, explain your fears to him calmly and rationally.
You are thinking about the worst thing that could happen, that he goes out with his mates and cheats.
It could just be that he goes to the pub and has a few drinks and comes home to you.
Try and trust him, it is only a couple of nights a week which isn't a big deal is it?
First though you need to explain how your thinking to him, he'll listen and maybe you can come to some sort of compromise.
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A
female
reader, Geri +, writes (5 January 2007):
Geri is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni am not going to tell somone they cant go out becuase i wouldn't like that
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2007): I think this is an issue that the two of you are going to have to sit down and discuss before you get married and have children. He can't keep doing that if you are not happy with it. Why does it have to be twice per week? Maybe if you both cut it down to once per week for now and if you do have kids then it will have to be something that you negotiate between the two of you. He shouldn't be out late when you have children anyway. Maybe one night out every now and then and back by a reasonable time. But i do think you both need to talk this over.
Take care
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2007): I think this is an issue that the two of you are going to have to sit down and discuss before you get married and have children. He can't keep doing that if you are not happy with it. Why does it have to be twice per week? Maybe if you both cut it down to once per week for now and if you do have kids then it will have to be something that you negotiate between the two of you. He shouldn't be out late when you have children anyway. Maybe one night out every now and then and back by a reasonable time. But i do think you both need to talk this over.
Take care
xx
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A
female
reader, Lilly223  +, writes (5 January 2007):
 Your feelings tell me that subconsiously you are beginning to consider that possibility of a long term (marriage/children) committment with your boyfriend, and his going out with his buddies is going to be an issue with you if the two of you do get married and have children. While I don't believe that you should ask him to stop now, I do believe that if the two of you decide to make your relationship more permanent that he understands that going out with his buddies WILL be an issue and in order for you to feel comfortable in your relationship he will need to STOP doing this once you get married and have children. (This all applies to you too.) Marriage and children force you to negotiate... that is if you want your marriage to be successful... this is one of those issue that you obviously have a history with and strong feelings about and one that is a non-negotiable issue with you. He needs to be aware of this before getting deeply involved, and you need to discuss this with him before this relationship goes much further... because he needs to be aware of what he is getting in to, and know what is expected of him if he wishes to commit further.
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