A
female
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anonymous
writes:My bf gets anoyed, angry and upset with me because when I'm around his friends I am quiet and shy. I find this to be really unfair because I do make an effort and he knows that Im shy so its really hard for me to talk to people who I havent seen much before. He knows that it takes me a while to get to know people, just as it took me a while to be non shy around him. What hurts me most is I get looked down upon and seen as rude by him, but his mates come out of it looking perfectly fine. They dont make any effort to talk to me, so why am I the one being blamed and not them as well?
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male
reader, oldfool +, writes (26 June 2008):
 It's probably one of his expectations of the "ideal girlfriend" that she can hang out with his mates like she was one of them.
I can understand what he is feeling, and I've probably been guilty of similar behaviour, although not quite so bad. I used to have a shy girlfriend and I found it somewhat difficult in interacting with other people that she didn't quite react the way I hoped she would.
No matter who we are, we usually have some kind of social expectations of our partners. A partner who is too crass, or too unsophisticated, or too reserved, or too dumb, or too flirtatious, or too naive, or too whatever it is, reflects on our self-image. It's always a boost to our self-esteem to have a girlfriend who everyone praises for having a great sense of humour, or being interesting to talk to, or being warm and sympathetic to other people's concerns, etc.
Your boyfriend no doubt feels sensitive over your "deficiencies" (as he probably regards them) and feels pressure to somehow cover up for them -- by pushing you to be more outgoing or making deprecating comments in front of other people. This is due to his own self-consciousness.
THAT SAID, it's really unfair to not take your partner's character, personality and personal tastes into account when interacting with other people. Everyone is different. Not every girl can be the life of the party. Not every girl can say the right thing to your Mum or your mates or your boss so that she fits right in to your ideal world. It's unfortunate that your boyfriend hasn't realised this. You haven't given your age but I suspect it's quite young. With a little more maturity, your boyfriend might come to realise that he has to accept you just as you are, not as the perfect foil to his own sparkling personality.
He also needs to be made to realise that his mates are not judging you the same way that he is. He is probably the only one who feels self-conscious over how you appear to them. I suggest that they probably think you're fine, just a bit shy. NONE of them are thinking "My mate's girlfriend is such a pain in the arse, she's so shy, she really doesn't fit it, I wish he would get rid of her".
It's probably hard to explain to him, but he's got to realise that:
(1) he has to respect your personality just as it is, and has to have the sensitivity to take your personality into account when interacting with other people, by taking your needs into account and not putting pressure on you;
(2) you'll fit in in your own way in your own time, he doesn't need to regard you as a burden that he has to carry or cover up for, just let you take things at your own pace and everything will be fine;
(3) other people aren't judging you in the way he is, his mates are quite happy to accept you for what you are, so why can't he?
(4) you aren't one of his mates, you're his girlfriend, the two are quite different things and he should realise that he shouldn't expect the same thing from both roles. Surely he doesn't treat his mother like a "mate", why should he treat a girlfriend like one?
Sorry if I sound a bit incoherent. If his expectations for you to be "one of his mates" is just too strong, then it may be difficult to give up his behaviour. If he can accept that you're his girlfriend and shouldn't be expected to perform for his mates, then he may improve.
Hope this helps.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou both so much for your replies, i really do appreciate it!
A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008)- my bf did the exact same thing about springing it upon me with his friends. one day he was supposed to come over my place to hang out, but the turns up with a bunch of his mates!
And I think you are right Bammy, it is more for his benefit them mine. I think he wants his frineds to think im so cool and whatever and if im quiet and shy, they dont think that.
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A
female
reader, bammy  +, writes (25 June 2008):
 Darling, you're boyfriend should respect you for the way you are, Lots of people are shy & find it hard to mingle or chat to people they don't know. He should give you space & let u join in on your own time & who's this about anyway is it for you're benifit or his? hes being very unreasonable he knows he can bully you & treat you like this but its unfair he'll end up turning you into a shell of a woman & make you feel more introvert so my advice to you is sit down & tell him how he's making you feel if he doesnt act on it then does he realy care enough for you to be his girlfriend? & to be honest why should "friends" play a role in any relationship, I'm sure when you both are together without friends all is good. He shouldn't be getting angry with you honey no matter what the reason, If he keeps it up, Dump em your worth a hell of a lot more than to be his doormat. Best of luck x x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): My ex boyfriend was like this with me. I am quiet and shy when meeting new people and one day he suddenly announced that we were going to out to dinner with some of his friends that evening giving me no time to psyche myself up for it. Also, I tend to be really quiet and inhibited around men if they are around their partners because a girlfriend assaulted me because she thought I was flirting with her boyfriend even though all I said to him was that I remembered him from school!!! So, now I don't talk to guys when they are with partners in case it happens again. Anyway, my ex didn't even bother to ask me what was wrong and started having a go at my in front of his friends which I found very humiliating. He dumped me shortly afterwards. Eventually I realised that someone like that was no great loss. Unfortunately, shyness can be seem by people who don't understand what it is like as rudeness because their impression is that you are feeling you are too good to be speaking to them.
To be honest, if your boyfriend isn't being supportive and encouraging you then he isn't really worth bothering about. I now have a boyfriend who isn't bothered about me being quiet at all and is a sweetheart.
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