A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Was I sexually assaulted?Long story short 2 years ago at uni a couple of years ago I fell out with someone I was in halls with. (We're both male).He had previously told me he fancied me.One night I tried to make up with him by having a mate organise a night out and bring him.We talked and got very drunk. 1 thing lead to another and we ended up in his room and I passed out a couple of times. The next thing I remember is I was in my bed with him performing oral sex on me.I dont remember how I got into my room.I dont remeber much of the night but I do remember falling asleep during the oral sex. I was so angry the next day I refused to talk to him. In later emails we chatted and he thought I was accusing him of sexual assault so he came round and was so angry he broke my door (I was at my mums anyway). So hes obviously violent.He said hes straight but hes not so was I sexually assaulted?
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drunk, oral sex, violent Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): Thank you dear poster for your update. You are perfectly right that it could have been consensual sex. But we depend on you to tell us the whole truth and all the facts and that is what we have based our puny advice upon. Now you have updated and told us more of the story, if you've threatened to kill him, he may have more cause to be frightened of you than you are of him. Now I know the whole story, I would suggest you put the whole incident out of your mind. As you say, you probably consented to sex and as it was two years ago, nothing would be gained in stirring the whole thing up. Put it down to experience and move on with your life.
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (26 June 2008):
You said "What if he didnt realise I was asleep/passed out?"- its HIS RESPONSBILITY when commiting a sexual act to someone to make sure they are in the right frame or mind (awake and not intoxicated etc...) to give consent. If he doesnt do that, then its his own stupid fault!
Perhaps you did say yes but dont remember....but the point is you were obviously soooo intoxicated that you were not in a fit state to make such a decision. Its the same as if a 13 year old says yes to sex- it is still rape because they are legally not of the right age to be able to give consent.
Sexual abusers, or people are just simply selfish and want to please themself. They purposly choose those people who are drunk and not in a fit state to make good decisions because they know it will be easy to take advantage of them. This is what this guy did to you. Dont think hes all innocent. It doesnt take a genious to realise that if you get with someone who is so drunk, that you are taking advantage of them, if not sexually assualting them.
Perhaps you will realise that you were sexually assaulted when reading this extract from a website about rape:
"Rape is sexual intercourse without consent or with indifference to consent. Indifference to consent is a legal term that means, for example, if a man has sex with a woman who is drunk or drugged and who does not protest, because she is not in a condition to give consent, it is rape. This means that the man does not care whether she gives consent or not (indifference)."
Even if you didnt say no, it is still not ok.
"If pressure is put on you or you are bullied into having sex when you don't want to, or you show by your behaviour that you are not consenting it is still rape, even if you have not actually said 'No'."
And also, oral sex and not just actually intercourse can be defined as rape (In australia, it may be diffeent where you live).
"Note: Sexual intercourse in the definition of rape means penetration of the vagina or anus by any part of another person or any object. It also includes mouth to genitals contact."
Check out the following websites for more info:
http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetails.aspx?p=240&np=300&id=2063
http://www.reachout.com.au/default.asp?ti=1510
Why did he think you threatened to kill him?
Its up to you whether or not you report it, but I do strongly suggest you talk to a counsellor or your doctor about it. They will not make you report it. But they will help you discuss any feelings you have. Such experiences can be trauamtic and leave all sorts of issues with other relationships in the future.
At the moment I think you are in denial that it happened, thats very common.
It doesnt matter if hes straight or not, most sexual assaults that happen to males are done by a male who is straight and in a relationship with a woman at the time.
My last note i'll leave you with, your gut told you something was wrong, thats what made you write this question. listen to it! your gut instinct is always right. You woke up feeling angry and violated didnt you? Thats because you were. Please talk to someone about it, whether that be the police, doctor or counsellor.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am really shocked by your replys. What if he didnt realise I was asleep/passed out? what if i said yes and dont remember. I didnt say no. It justs seems like your all so certain when their could be an innocent answer. As for the violence, he thought I had threatened to kill him as well as thinking i had accused him of sexual assault/rape. Am just playing devils advocate here. This is someones life. Obviously hes out of my life but am far from certain i was raped/sexually assaulted.. surely he has to be aware i was asleep or unconcious?
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (25 June 2008):
 It is very likely. If you are in-capable of giving consent then by default you have not. This is to protect people who are helpless.
So if you were passed out when he did it then it was rape.
But if you were awake when it started you might have agreed to it in a drunken state. The law recognizes that you are not fit to make choices when you are drunk but it would also look at exactly how things happened. "1 thing lead to another" is dangerous, how drunk and incapable of consenting were you when this was happening?
Yes it is most likely rape, but there is a reason that there are degrees of rape in the legal system.
Oh and wether he is gay or straight (straight men don't give blowjobs) doesn't factor into this.
Report him please. Rapists need to be stopped. Not just for yourself but for his future victims.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): yes u were basicaly raped. He could have got u drunk on purpose
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): You were assaulted by this violent pig. It is up to you whether you report it or not, I'm not sure if this is a chargeable offence as no actually penetration took place. Currently the police have facilities to deal with sexual abuse and rape for men, so don't be frightened to speak with them. I would suggest you speak to them, if only about the question of your personal safety.
You may feel like talking about this thing, ask your doctor if you could be refered for counselling. I have also found a telephone support line in the UK who should be able to give your futher advice or at least give you to speak to. Contact supportline http://www.supportline.org.uk/index.php
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A
female
reader, happytochat +, writes (25 June 2008):
Yes you were sexually assaulted. What this guy did to you was 100% wrong. It is illegal to have sex with somoene who isnt concious or under the influence or drugs or alcohol so much that they cant say yes or no.
The fact that he broke down your door just shows he lacks in values and morals and is violent, so he probably is sexually abusive too.
I suggest you speak to a counsellor or someone you can trust abotu this as being violated like you were can have many negative effects.
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