A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of a year and 8 months drunkenly text a girl whom he used to see sexually before we started dating. I feel like I have a right to go through his phone now but at the same time I don’t. He feels terribly about the situation and has since deleted her number from his phone. I’m just so confused. I want this relationship to work, I want to be able to trust him again. Any advice is appreciated.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (23 June 2018):
 To anon female:
The common courtesy that applied before cell phone and other technology is the same today.
The only thing most people could do back then was listen in as the call was happening. It would have been just as rude and intrusive to hover or pick up an extension with the sole purpose of listening in as snooping through someone's history or installing software to record them (without that person's knowledge) is today.
It's the same STANDARD of behaviour.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (23 June 2018):
 It will probably take some time for it to stop "popping up" in your mind. Early days. When it pops up, try to replace it with a "good" thought - like how sorry he is, how you are both trying to work on your relationship, etc. An incident like this can actually make a relationship stronger as you stop taking each other for granted, realize (from his side) what you could lose and both work on strengthening your bond.
Might also be a good idea if he's a bit more careful with his alcohol intake going forward.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the responses, this actually happened two weeks ago and it’s just been popping up in the back of my mind. I haven’t and most likely will not go through his phone. I have chosen to give him a second chance and have told him that if something like this happens again that I will not stay in the relationship. We’ve had a few conversations about it and are working on the relationship. Again, thank you for the advice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2018): NO...you don't have a right to go through anyone's phone without permission. If you have a problem and think your boyfriend is cheating; you discuss it and decide whether you want your relationship should be ended.
If you have no trust in a relationship; you have no relationship. You don't insist on or demand someone to be faithful; either they are or they're gone. You're not his mother, and he's not some juvenile that requires you to monitor or track his phone.
If you don't trust him; get rid of him!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2018): It drives me crazy that ever since cell phones came out everyone treats privacy on them like a basic need, personally. Growing up, we had one phone in the house. It sat in the middle of the living room and everyone answered it. I've noticed that strong couples can use each others phones whenever they want. But newer couples tend to have single people habits most often done on their phones. I personally feel it's a small price to pay to make your partner feel secure, especially after you damage her trust like that.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 June 2018):
You have no "right" to go through any of his personal stuff, including his phone.
What you DO have a right to is deciding whether you can trust him again or not. It sounds from your post like it was a one-off mistake, which he regrets. We have all done stuff we are not proud of when under the influence of too much alcohol.
In your shoes I would tell him he gets a second chance but no more. If he does something like this again, tell him it will be the end of your relationship - and MEAN IT. Then stop driving yourself crazy by checking up on him and tell him he must work at winning back your trust. If this does not work, walk away otherwise you will drive yourself mad checking up on him but always believing he is doing something behind your back.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 June 2018):
 You don't have any right to invade his privacy I'm afraid. You need to work out if you want this relationship to work or not. Trust is a hard thing to get back once it is broken. I would love to know what exactly he sent in the message and did he lie about it to you? You need to think is one message worth the whole relationship?
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (22 June 2018):
You don't and it wouldn't work.
For one thing, no one wants to be on probation forever. Even violent offenders get fed up of being under suspicion when they've 'paid their debt to society'.
What happens when he decides he wants his personal space and privacy back? You'll suspect he's up to something and this will lead to endless arguments.
And for another, these measures are not about gaining trust but gaining control, or the illusion of it. Lack of evidence isn't proof of innocence, at least not in the suspicious mind. You'll always wonder if he's innocent or just better at hiding his bad deeds.
It's you chasing him and it reeks of desperation. It shows him how badly you want him which gives him the security of knowing exactly where he stands with you. A security you don't have. Instead, the message should be that you're less interested than you were before and undecided about the future. You get this message across more by demonstration than declaration. Words alone mean nothing. Let him chase you with no guarantees he'll succeed.
No questions, no insinuations, jabs or accusations. Just calm disinterest.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 June 2018):
 No, you don't have any special "rights" to go through his phone.
You DO have the right to say, this is not OK, and I won't date you any more.
Here is the thing OP, you CAN NOT control what he does but snooping or going through his things. It will become a slippery slope for you. Because you will (if you find nothing) want to snoop on his phone again and again, in hopes that you will "catch" him doing stupid shit.
You are already becoming distrustful of him.
How you feel about him and the relationship will start to fall like dominoes.
First trust will go, then respect, then faith, then love and you will end up embittered and controlling.
Instead I would suggest you talk to him and tell him you have lost some trust in him and ASK him how HE thinks HE can rebuild that trust. IF he suggest, you can look through, then decide if that is what you need. If he says "I don't know" then tell him to think about it and give you an answer.
If HE was the one who told you about this "transgression" I would ask him WHY he told you. And why he drunk texted her. I get that SINGLE people occasionally get nostalgic and drunk-text and ex... but your BF is not single, he is with you - so I'd be VERY curious as to WHY he thought that was OK or a good idea. Being drunk is not really a good excuse here.
He has already (after only 8 months) thrown a wrench in the relationship by THIS action. Even if you go through his phone you can NO guarantee that he won't do that again or something else stupid.
Trust is not like a gallon of milk, that you can just replace. It takes work to rebuild but funny enough it also takes TRUST to rebuild trust.
I'd say if you WANT to relationship to work, SIT him down, HAVE this awkward conversation, SET some boundaries for what is OK in a relationship that you BOTH can agree on and then TRUST that this was a one-off - OR end it now.
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