A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I hope you guys can give me some wise advice, because i can't deal with and handle my OCD and my jealousy.I do suffer from OCD and now my OCD appears to have crossed into the realm of the physical too, whereby i get obsessed by a particular thought, (in today's case,based upon what my husband said) and below i will express that thought process.I'm happily married, mostly positive and confident and my husband and i love eachother very much, however, "not always", but on the "odd" occasion, i do take specific comments that my husband may make to heart, then i question why and am i good enough for him or does he really think i'm the best thing since sliced bread.For eg: This morning i asked my husband about his colleagues wife and i asked him if she was an attractive woman (as he was chatting about his colleague and her. He's met her numerous times and i've been informed she likes to flirt).Anyway, my husband's response was, oh she's not particularly attractive, then i added another question and he then said, oh she doesn't look like Brigitte Bardot, if that's what you're thinking.I have to admit, although i do like Brigitte Bardot, i did feel quite insecure, i did feel somewhat jealous and i then thought, why didn't my husband say, oh, she doesn't look like you (meaning me) if that's what you're thinking.That would've been a nice thing to say to your wife and that really would have given me a confidence boost, but no, he talked about another woman and he often refers to "blond, French women" or "attractive brunette women" who he says are his preferred type.I'm Brunette, not blonde, however, i'm always told by my husband and others that i'm beautiful.My husband has spoken of Brigitte Bardot before, so this is why i am wondering what the connection/attraction is here.My husband's two ex wives were also blonde and strawberry blonde.He tells me regularly that he prefers brunette's and he really likes Jessica Alba, but he always tells me i'm the most beautiful woman/person to him, both inside and out, so i know i shouldn't be jealous, but i am!I also remember another time when i spoke about my husband's attractive brunette hairdresser.I was behaving in a slightly insecure manner and i said something that my husband took offence to and he retorted, i'm sorry she's not ugly!Anyway, i don't want to obsess over that now, because it's so far in the past, however, i wanted to share today and use as an example of my thoughts/behaviours.Do you guys think i could do with some CBT therapy, via a professional Counsellor and if so, would it help me to understand my insecurities better?I really don't like myself when i'm like this and i don't want to be jealous all the time.I know my husband loves me and i know he chose me over all others, however, i cannot seem to shake my occasional jealous moments.The worst part is, although i'm usually very open/upfront with my husband, i do keep these jealous feelings to myself, because we do get on really well and i don't want to start and create unnecessary arguments.I hope you guys won't be too hard on me, not too judgemental, because i do feel quite fragile at the moment and i don't want to sink even deeper.Thanks in advance!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys,
To you all, i wish to convey my absolute thanks & total appreciation!
None of you can possibly know, how much you've helped me.
I have read each msg thrice over & yes, that's my OCD again!! but also because i was that in awe of all the responses & wise advice.
I am starting CBT therapy as of next week, via an amazing professional in my local area & already, forearmed with this knowledge, i am feeling more confident.
I am by nature, not really a jealous person & never have been & this is why i wrote to DC, bec i couldn't comprehend why my OCD was affecting me to this degree.
I am sure i will get the answers i am seeking and i'll be able to help myself better.
Again, thank you to all, for taking the time to give me some much needed advice.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 June 2018):
 I think you should try CBT. But like WiseOwlE suggest make SURE the counselor you seek out are SPECIALIZED in this and not just another "I'll listen to you talk for hours, bill you and let you try and sort it out yourself" kind of counselor.
What you need is someone who can TEACH you tool to use whenever you are having these obsessive thoughts or behaviors.
I have been diagnosed with OCD as well. And yes, I can have my brain go into overdrive and it's hard to stop.
But what I learned is that in general I NEED to be in control. In control of my emotions, using LOGIC over feelings - or even better dissect my feeling through logic.
You know LOGICALLY that if your husband didn't find you attractive and didn't LOVE you he wouldn't have married you in the first place.
You know LOGICALLY that your husband OBVIOUSLY isn't JUST into blonds, or he wouldn't have dated and married you in the first place.
You know LOGICALLY that when he mentions Bridget Bardot (or any other movie star) he isn't trying to hurt you or COMPARE you.
You also know LOGICALLY that your husband won't LIE and call a woman ugly to please you, probably because he KNOWS you would dislike him lying even more than finding someone attractive.
You know LOGICALLY that being married doesn't mean people go BLIND or stop noticing others and how they look. It's just not how we work.
That was the "LOGIC" speaking - so you have to figure out why your EMOTIONS take over in certain scenarios.
Why do you ASK him if a women is attractive? WHY do you compare yourself so much to others?
Can it be some of the insecurity stems from him being on his 3rd marriage?
Is it perhaps because he is NOT good with "Words of Affirmation."? (if you know the 5 languages of love - "Words of Affirmation." is one of the 5. It might be you have a NEED for affirmation and more attention from your husband. And if that is the case, I suggest you START first by "giving" what you hope to receive.
Doesn't mean you should seek out a therapist and work on yourself. I think that is always a good idea when you get to a "brick-wall" you just can't seem to get over or around.
I would also suggest something like Yoga or some other manner of exercise. For me that works really well. With being physically active you kind of shut down the brain a bit on the "bad" obsessive thoughts and focus on your breathing, silence, (and for me counting) it gives you brain a rest while the body gets a workout.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2018): Bridgette Bardot must be somewhere around 90 years old, for starters. She'd probably be delighted to know she can still stir envy in the hearts of other women! If she's still alive!
As far as seeking CBT Therapy; do your research and be careful in choosing a therapist. In any form of mental-health treatment; the fit between the mental-health professional and the patient is essential for the success and effectiveness of the treatment. It also depends largely on your commitment and effort. You can seek all sorts of treatment and psycho-analysis; but it still comes down to you using self-control, common-sense, and maturity. No one is there to monitor your actions and behavior 24/7. That's your responsibility.
You have to make a true and sincere effort; and persistently strive to get better. These days, people don't apply themselves; and usually just make excuses when something is..."too hard!" Expecting some therapist to offer a magic pill; or wave a magic wand and cure them. You must be proactive and participate. It's still do-it-yourself! You put what you learn into practice.
Anything that requires some folks to challenge themselves, engage the use of self-discipline, or control themselves; gets buried under excuses, and blame gets shifted to everyone else for making them as the are. Part of growth is owning your responsibility for what you do that can adversely-affect others, and steal your own joy. Not how you're always the victim! It IS sometimes YOUR fault! Just accepting or admitting blame is not enough. What are YOU going to do about it? You're trying your husband's patience!
I don't care what behavioral-issues and personality-quirks one suffers; no one has the responsibility to dance around them, or tiptoe around your insecurities or oversized-ego. Especially when you're doing little to nothing about them.
Declaring defeat and total surrender to whatever overtakes your self-control!
If you want love; you have to earn, return, and maintain it.
You don't have a right to seek unconditional love; while the giver doesn't receive it in-return! Too many people with emotional-issues are just plain self-centered, and that's that. "Deal with it, that's just how I am."
But no, it's not just how it is! You don't get the final-word! If you're not ready to put in half the effort, you don't deserve it. You don't get benefits, reward, or dividends without investment! If you're not healthy or committed enough to sustain it; then you'll lose it. Plain and simple.
Both parties in a relationship or marriage have equal responsibility to show trust, kindness, patience, devotion, and faithfulness to the other. EQUAL! Challenged though you may be; but everyone has their cross to bear! He's not perfect. Everyone except God, falls short of perfection.
You like to set your husband up to trigger your jealousy. Setting time-bombs and laying landmines. That makes no sense. It's mean and unfair. He can't be 100% of everything to you; and it is beyond foolish and utter nonsense to think you would ever be everything to anyone else. Maybe God would be jealous of such arrogance and conceit in mere mortals!
Your husband is only human, and he tolerates your quirks and issues. You can push the envelope and use your behavior problems and insecurities as excuses; but human beings have limits to our patience. We can take only so much abuse and aggravation; before enough is enough. You want to direct and control his thoughts and behavior. Hold authority and ownership over his feelings and sexuality. Maybe you should work a little harder on your own. Sense it's always on your mind.
You want to be loved. You're selfishly placing all the responsibility and the entire burden on your husband to fulfill your demands, or avoid offending you. Love and patience has to be reciprocated in a marriage. People do not go deaf, blind, and immune to their sexual-attraction to other people; because they are married. They control their own thoughts and behavior out of loyalty and love. Which has to be earned and rewarded with trust! I repeat...TRUST!
If that love is strained and unfairly put to the test by one partner; then the remedy is to leave them. Not put-up with it. It's toxic. It's abusive, any way you look at it. It's psychological torture and emotional-manipulation. Constantly trying to avoid saying or doing something that might upset another person around the clock. Watching every word you say, and where you direct your eyesight. Seriously?!!
Get any therapy or counseling you think necessary to help you to be a good person, to soothe your over-active imagination, and to be a loving-wife. He married you, quirks and all. Not to be enslaved by your jealousy and possessive-nature.
No one deserves to live under a microscope, be brainwashed, constantly prodded, or tested; to see who or what they're thinking about. Anything that might trigger jealousy, anger, or cause a fight.
If you keep testing the durability of anything; you will find its breaking-point. When you stretch a rubber-band beyond it's elasticity, it will snap. Our patience is the same. You can't enjoy your marriage; because you poison it with jealousy. That's also how you sabotage it to prematurely end it. You are too focused on yourself, and what you think it takes to appease your insecurities; and not what it takes to keep peace and tranquility in your marriage. Your fights are over foolish things.
Therapy is good. If you have a spiritual-faith, it doesn't hurt to seek peace through counseling with your faith-minister. The spirit and the soul also needs healthcare and maintenance. Some things are beyond science. Cover all your bases.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 June 2018):
 Have you been diagnosed with OCD and are you on any medication for it? If not then I think your first step is to visit your doctor and talk about all off your options. But I would think from reading your post that you would benefit from CBT. So first thing to do is talk to your doctor about options. That is the first step to over come your issues.
You mention that you both love each other, yet you seem to have confidence issues within yourself. I don't think it is your husband doing any thing wrong as such I just think that you have low self esteem and confidence issues and you are looking for him to reassure you, but instead of asking him for reassurance you ask him about other women, and if he is honest with you then you feel even less confident in yourself. It is a vicious circle. But keeping all off this from your husband is not going to help. You need to be open and honest with him about how you feel. If you feel low tell him, if you need a confidence boost then tell him. He cannot read your mind, so if you are asking about another woman to gage a reaction from him he is only going to answer what he thinks and he cannot win either way. It seems you will only be happy if he is to reassure you that you are the only good looking woman in the world. To him yes he loves you but we need to be realistic in life and see that there are many good looking women and men.
Feeling jealous of a woman your husband obviously thinks is attractive is okay but when it starts effecting your life and making you insecure then you need to get help for yourself. He might not have said you because well he might not think you need reassurance. It seems you ask him these questions even though you know you won't like the answers which is not fair on you or it is not fair on him.
Yes it would have been nice off him to say that to you, but if you need a confidence boost then tell him, he cannot read your mind. He probably thinks your a confident women and you don't need reassurance because you are covering it up. If your husband always tells you that you are beautiful then believe him. He may tell you he is attracted to blondes or brunettes again that is okay. My husband told me when we met that his type was blonde hair. I have red hair. It didn't stop me feeling beautiful and well he married me so he obviously thinks I am beautiful as well. Looks are only skin deep. Beauty is so much more. You need to have a connection with someone to make a life together not just go on looks.
I think you need to accept that men will find other women attractive, that is just part of life. But as long as he treats you right and tells you he loves you then that should be enough. You just need some help to get these thoughts from your head. I mean am sure you can look at a man and appreciate if he is good looking or not, and there is no harm in doing so even if you are married. Same goes for men.
Your husband more than likely took offence to you being insecure because he probably felt he was getting ambushed for having a hairdresser that is not ugly. You should never want your husband to think of any woman as ugly as such. He may be getting annoyed at you being insecure and he doesn't know what to do. Yes CBT will help but so will talking more with your husband and being more honest with him. A lot of relationships fail because insecurities get to much and a person can become obsessive, controlling and mistrusting there partners. Make sure not to let it go that far. Your husband wants a partner not someone who is going to suffocate him.
It is good to see that you have saw the warning signs of this behavior and you are wanting to get help. You deserve to be happy and to have confidence in yourself. So talk to your husband and see your doctor and I wish you all the best in the world. Also remember that it is okay to feel jealous from time to time, it is a perfectly normal feeling as long as it doesn't take over your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2018): If you feel the OCD thoughts are affecting your life and happiness then yes CBT counselling or maybe hypnotherapy will help. I think you have linked up blonde women and there is an insecurity around that and sub consciously feeling he finds blondes more attractive. You are doing really well in keeping these thoughts at bay and not bringing them out into the arena of your marriage but you are clearly lacking self confidence as well and despite people around you telling you you are beautiful, including your husband this is not enough if you don't believe in yourself.I don't think men always have a 'type' but even if he did in the past he has chosen you and loves you for who you are 'Inside and out' and i do believe that men change the type of women they go for as they get older and choose more suitable women. But you are lacking the self belief and your own admission OCD thoughts, so as i said if it is affecting you, which by writing in on here you clearly think it is then yes why not look at avenues to help you move forward. Best of luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2018): I write you as a woman your age that is diagnosed with OCD and and has suffered through EXACTLY what you are going through right now - u don’t even have to explain yourself because I know where this is all leading in your head Your thoughts are leading to omg is he going to cheat with her? Or is she more beautiful than me? Can he develop thoughts for her? Can this go anywhere ? Omg omg omg ... the possibilities with ocd and Rumination and obsessive thoughts are endless - I myself suffer so much and am going through an episode right now Your husband isn’t done anything wrong and his answer was perfect in fact a normal answer that anyone would say - I think your are analyzing the situation so much that you are spinning it into something that it is not - people like us think of 169:917 different ways to spin things and make something out of nothing . It’s a normal interaction and a normal answer - u relation to that actress and the looks really just are going into an obsessive process You know your husband loves you and you know that this is ocd - don’t dwell on it - don’t focus on it (isn’t that hard? Right)I would say the problem here is with your obsessive thought pattern and identifying it as ocd/anxiety and rumination . I have tried all the SSRI medications and they did not work for me so I am starting CBT and I would say from therapy - having the same exact paranoia - ocd - rumination and just honestly the same exact thought process as you - this is what my therapist said“Your creating an issue and a problem and a worry that is not there- your thoughts are fabricating something that isn’t really and is tying ideas and analogies that don’t make sense” let these thoughts pass through your head and don’t pick at them - the moment you pick on them you will fall in a black whole. I don’t think there is anything abnormal about your husband”s response - I mean it - this is from a woman who is not only jealous but I am in fact paranoid and obsessed when I get a partnerI wish you the best of luck as we are in this journey or recovery
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A
male
reader, Harmy  +, writes (22 June 2018):
I get you. I understand you. Though I'm nineteen, Imma try to help you. Men are not supposed to compliment on other women in the presence of their wives. Some are just like that, like people aren't the same. Because he chose you, no doubt he loves you. Don't feel insecure. Just understand that that's how some men are. And about feeling jealous, that's normal but don't let it get to your head. It's gon' affect you. Nice time
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