A
female
age
30-35,
*urtandconfused1
writes:My boyfriend and I have been going out nearly a year now, and he visits me at my university halls.Last night he cheated on me with my best friend at university. We were drinking in my halls, and about 12am I went upstairs to bed, as I've just had shoulder surgery I was pretty tired. I woke up an hour later to find that he wasn't up with me, and so called him twice to no answer, and went downstairs to find him. I went to my friend's room where we had all been drinking, and walked in to find her in a rather compromising position (my favourite I might add) and so left quickly. I originally assumed it was her boyfriend, but thought afterwards that he was wearing a white T-shirt and my boyfriend was wearing a white T-shirt. I knocked on her boyfriend's door and he was asleep. Then I panicked.Etc. the deception unfolds.Anyway, I don't know what to do, as this is completely out of character for him, and he's always said cheating is just pointless. I still love him, and I'm not actually angry, just really hurt and confused. I don't quite believe it even though I saw it...I feel I should mention, up to this point I was the only person he had slept with. So any advice on how to handle this would be good, as I don't want to lose either but I also feel like if I let it go then I have no self respect.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (15 June 2013):
 This makes me recall.... back to that incident when my (now) ex-wife caught me in bed with my old H.S. sweetheart. I told her: "Honest, Honey, I was just cleaning my penis and it went off....."
(She didn't buy it!!!!.....)
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 June 2013):
 I agree with YouWish . It nearly sounds as if you want to give him a medal because this is his very first time cheating ...dear OP, you have been together LESS than one year ! , his past loyalty is really no big feat.
Cheating is cheating and you don't need to settle for a cheater, drunk or sober . I know there's always the " second chance " school of thought, to which I am not adverse on principle , but it depends . If you had had a long history together, a precious patrimony of shared experiences and future goals, a family, children, and he had slipped once, I 'd tell you, try and forgive, try and work it out.
But youare 18-21, you are just dating some ( pardon me ) stupid kid that, the first time he gets good and drunk, feels entitled to bone your so called best friend jsut for the heck of it, while you are in bed recovering for surgery... oh come on, don't settle for that, don't lower your standards this way. It's a dangerous habit, if at your young age you start accepting crap, or anyway less than you deserve, you might even be paving the way to a life of crappy relationships, crappy jobs and bosses, crappy treatment from people at large.
It takes guts to purge these wrong people from your life, that's for sure,- but probably no more guts that it would tale keeping dating him and always having to wonder what he's up to any time he is out of your sight .
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 June 2013):
 So he admitted it?? Then don't make him suffer. Make him GONE!
I'd be more upset about my so-called BEST FRIEND having sex with my boyfriend! You're putting your head in the sand here by trying to gloss it over and pretend that things can go back to what they were.
You need to get both of them out of your life. Your boyfriend is a cheating rat, and your best friend is also a cheating rat. What did her boyfriend say when he found out she cheated on him? Huh? Oh, he doesn't know?? REally???
Those two need to be OUT of your life.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (14 June 2013):
 If she was conscious, she remembers it. She is using bring drunk as an excuse to get out of this. I got drunk many times in the past. Very very drunk. My memory was often hazy but if I so much as kissed someone, I knew about it the next day. I might not remember straight away but it would always come back to me. I don't buy her memory loss. She's just trying to get away with it. She's lying to you even when she knows you know what happened. Ditch her. Do not let her back into your life. She'll just get drunk and stab you in the back.
As for him, of course you have feelings for him. He's your boyfriend and up until yesterday things were probably great. But feelings can fade if you allow them to. I just find it sad that this guy has just cheated on you and your first thought is how the two of you can stay together. Like I said in my previous post, it's up to you how you deal with this, but I would think that the best way for him to actually learn a lesson would be if there were real consequences to his actions, such as losing you and knowing he'd lost you because of what he did. Spending a couple of weeks in the doghouse before going back to normal will teach him that he can cheat and you'll have him back.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2013): I've been in a similar situation and I cut them both out of my life as I have more self respect than to be treated like that
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 June 2013):
Of COURSE he SAID cheating was pointless... because it WAS (pointless) until he got a chance to bed your "best friend." Funny, isn't it, how the game changes when the circumstances make it possible for a guy to dip his peeny in to a cute/warm/soft young thing????/ (...even IF it is your "G/F's" best friend....).
I believe you've got all the data you need to figure out that this "B/F" really isn't quite as dedicated to you (and a monogamous arrangement) as you had thought.... Sooooo, figure it out... do you want to be "G/F" to a "B/F" who thinks cheating is OK?????? OR,... would you rather have a dedicated B/F who will be faithful... YOU know the answer to that... and that answer will guide you in what you do, next....
Good luck...
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female
reader, hurtandconfused1 +, writes (14 June 2013):
hurtandconfused1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't clarify that he admitted what had happened to me afterwards, and that she actually doesn't remember. He didn't lie to me, and I can always tell when he's lying so I think I can believe that this is the first time it's happened.So I don't need to confront, I just need help on how to react to this, because I still have feelings for him, and I don't think they will go away. He's talked to me all day today and said that he has no idea why he didn't stop, and that it was only for a minute.(this was verified as my other friends had only just gone to bed when this happened)When I say this is completely out of character for him, I mean he's been in similar situations and just taken himself out, and I don't really understand why he didn't this time.I want to know if there is a chance that I could trust him if there was a next time... I'm kinda hoping it was an idiotic blip and he's learnt his lesson.So has anyone had an experience with a boyfriend (or girlfriend) who has been completely solid and just had a random slip up, and then been trustworthy again? Or is this possible???Don't worry I have sent him home in disgrace and I'm making him suffer, for all those who have said that I'm being too nice.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 June 2013):
How much were you all drinking??
I'd be willing to bet that we're talking "blackout drunk" territory here. I've seen a zillion stories about people who get blackout drunk and do things like that as well as embarrassing public behavior, car accidents, and even worse. Is that any excuse? NOT ON YOUR LIFE!
Your boyfriend and maybe your best friend may try to say that they don't remember it, or that they thought they were dreaming, or that they were too drunk, but the point is, they chose to get drunk enough to put themselves in that position. Someone who is blackout drunk who gets behind the wheel of a car and runs over a pedestrian is just as criminally liable as someone who does it sober. Likewise, a blackout drunk who decides to get piss-drunk and screw the next warm body deserves the consequences, just like your best friend's boyfriend deserves to know that she was with your boyfriend.
Actions have consequences, drunk or no. His *telling* you that cheating is pointless is worthless words. It's easy to say anything. Good liars say it convincingly.
I agree with the others. You need to be direct and tell him that you saw him with your best friend in your "favorite position", and you need to let your best friend AND HER BOYFRIEND know as well. Want to know how people mature beyond binge drinking and stupid decisions? By facing the consequences of the ones they've made.
They could have killed someone as drunk as they were! They could have picked up an STD. She could get pregnant because blackout drunk people often don't blackout-put-on-a-condom. Her boyfriend should know this before she DOES get pregnant and assumes it's her boyfriend's because she had blackout sex with YOUR boyfriend.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (14 June 2013):
 I think you're just in shock right now. Give yourself a bit more time and it will sink in and you will most likely feel the anger and betrayal. I would take a little bit of time and get my head straight if I were you. Don't make any decisions yet as to what to do.
I'm really sorry this happened to you.
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (14 June 2013):
 You should dump him, if he can do this to you with your former best friend, he would no qualms about sleeping with strangers. Drunken stupor is no excuse for infidelity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2013): Goodbye to both of them. If you let it slide, you are not requiring a man to be faithful to you when you are supposed to be in a committed relationship. And as far as your friend? That is no friend. A good friend would not do that to her BFF.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2013): You don't want to lose either?Really?!Unless the definition of a boyfriend is 'someone who cheats, is not trustworthy, selfish and doesn't respect you' why would you want to hold on to him? Are you that desperate? Do you think so little of your own self worth that you don't see the angering injustice of being treated this way by someone you trusted? Get rid if him. He is not a good boyfriend. Don't listen to any excuses. What he did is unforgivable. He came to spend time with you and slept with your best friend.As for your best friend. She's not your best friend since she doesn't have your best interests at heart. What she did was cruel and selfish. Carrying on with her as if nothing happened is telling her It's ok to treat you like crap. Stay away from her, let her earn back your trust over months and don't let her near your future boyfriends. She has shown that she doesn't respect you and your relationship with a man. Have the self confidence to do what you know is right and break off with them both. It will be utter lack of self respect to let this slide. People treat you how you let them treat you. You allow this kind of behavior and you will find yourself in this same position with them over and over again
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (14 June 2013):
It sounds like you didn't get a good look at the guy (and I can't blame you for legging it out of there) but let's assume that it was him, as the odds are very high.
How you deal with this is up to you but you need to confront him at the earliest opportunity. Tell him straight away that you walked into [your friend's] room while he was having sex with her. Don't give him time to lie. You should also confront her. She is not your best friend, or a friend at all for that matter, if she does this to you. They are both greedy, sneaky and selfish.
Depending how much these two people really mean to you and how sorry they are, you might be able to carry on the relationship and friendship, but would you really want to? You could never trust either of them again. Could you handle seeing them in the same room again, laughing, drinking, chatting? I don't think it will work to be honest. He's a cheat and she's a traitor. You don't need that in your life. I know that I couldn't.
The fact that he says he is against cheating means nothing. He can say anything he wants, it doesn't mean that he means it. Of course he's going to tell you he doesn't see the point in cheating. You wouldn't be with him if he had told you he prefers open relationships and can't be faithful to one person. If you say he comes to visit you in halls, I assume that means he is not at the same university. How do you know what he gets up to when you don't see him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2013): Wow.. You are way too nice for your own good. To be honest you sound like your such a nice person that you deserve at lot better then a BF and a best friend that cheats. Give them a day or 2 (I would give until tomorrow night) to see if they tells you the truth. Also see how both behaves in that time if they carry on as normal around you and each other then I'm sorry to say that Can't care that much. Also think carefully about if you are going to forgive him... If he can do that to with your best friend then he has little respect.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (14 June 2013):
 A drunken fumble with a stranger when you were away under the disguise of him missing you so much MIGHT have just about been forgiveable. However what he (and your so called best friend) has done is just disgusting and you are right, if you let it go then you have no self respect and he will think he can get away with anyone.
Lets break this down a bit:
1. It was your BEST FRIEND. So not just some random stranger, this is a person he knows so clearly has fancied her for a while. He knows that this is someone you really care about, so he knew that doing something with her would be the ultimate betrayal to you. And that didnt stop him. he simply did not care what he did with her because a) he fancied her, b) he was drunk and c) you were not available to give him what he wanted because you had gone to bed
2. It was UNDER YOUR ROOF. Perhaps the danger element of getting caught turned him on even more, who knows. But either way, he was in your halls, knew you were nearby and still did not care about you catching him in the act.
3. You have had SURGERY. A caring, loving boyfriend would be concerned about you after having surgery, and if you were in pain or discomfort would have wanted to come to bed with you to make sure you are ok - not carry on drinking and then have sex with whoever was available.
All of this shows a complete and utter lack of respect for you, he cannot claim to even care about you if he is willing to do this under your nose. Cheating is pointless, there is no excuse to justify what he did regardless of how drunk he was. As I said before, cheating with a stranger could perhaps be excused but your best friend under your roof is cold and calculating.
He doesnt love you. That is for certain, because no man who loves a woman would ever dream of doing this. So do you want to stay with a man who doesnt love you, doesnt care about you and doesnt respect you enough to keep his d**k in his pants as soon as you've turned your back?
You can never trust this guy again, he is capable of cheating on you when you are in the same building so god forbid what he gets up to when you are apart from each other. If you stay you are just giving him the green light to treat you like crap and do whatever he wants without any consequence.
You are still young and have plenty of time to find a nice guy, so dont waste your time with a jerk like this. Your best friend has a lot to answer for as well, if I were you I'd cut them both out of your life and never speak to them again.
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