A
female
age
30-35,
*acy31
writes:Does my boyfriend not love me or does he just like having control of the relationship? Ok so my boyfriend breaks up with me once a month sometimes twice . His reason are that I don't listen to him over little things that I don't think matter. Another reason is me treating him badly. I admit I'm a little unreasonable sometimes but same with him I just suck it up and get over it. I don't go breaking up with him . I'm always the one giving in and trying to get him back when friends have told me it won't stop until I be strong and let him come to me but he's so stubborn I'm scared i'll lose him forever :( Reply to this Question
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (29 May 2011):
 well it seems that you are doing your best by him then by he is treating you like it is never good enough. when he breaks up with you and you beg him to come back you are giving him exactly what he wants that makes him feel good about himself (he doesn't care that it makes you feel bad!) when you say that you have been 'bad' to him - do YOU really believe that or is this just his opinion?
you can do much better than settle for a man like him to be honest so i suggest next time you don't beg him to come back. make a list of all his good and bad points, (honestly) read it to yourself and give yourself time without him to figure out if you REALLY want him back, is he really good for you, does he add any quality to your life or is he more of a liability? (i am guessing you have the answer already!)
breaking up with someone is often hard and horrible to do, even if they are not a particularly good partner, you may feel lonely and this is normal but it is not the correct reason to get back with someone. while you waste your time and energy on the wrong person your self esteem is being damaged and also you are missing opportunities to get out there and meet someone better. so make your list and read it whenever you start to doubt if breaking up was the right thing to do or not
x
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (29 May 2011):
Hello again. I believe that you can do better than him.
His reasons for breaking up with you are fairly lame.
The next time he breaks up with you - yet again - don't beg him to come back, just leave it.
No contact with him at all - no text messages, no phone calls, nothing.
If it gets to about 2 weeks or even one month or two, and still no phone calls from him, don't call him. Just consider it to be over.
It seems to me that if you didn't beg him to come back to you all those times, that he might not have ever called you again. Don't you ever wonder that?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 May 2011):
 May I remind you that in your country the recreational use of marijuana is illegal and can get you in deep shit. Get a criminal record for a drug offence at age 20, and then tell me how easy is to get a good job, or a State grant etc.
Your bf is an idiot- if he wants to smoke weed, that's is his business, but tell him not to dare pressuring you- and maybe to go smoke out of YOUR home, you never know.
Also , he sounds like a control freak, why are you even supposed to "listen" meaning letting him decide which friends your should see, which places you should go,etc.
There is no solution to your quandary, you have become his doormat, and initiated this vicious cyrcle of break up- beg him back-break up etc. If the first time he had broken up with you for futile reasons, you had hold your ground , and rather than panicking and chasing after him, you had let HIM sweat it a while to get you back , and made him fear he had lost you- he would have lost any desire to repeat this trick.
Or maybe he would NOT have came back- and you would have known for sure that he did not care about you.
Now, he can do all he wants. He is not afraid of losing you, because he knows that no matter how boorish he acts ,in no time you'll be begging him back, in fact, he may get a big kick out of that, a sense of empowerment, of being in charge . And that's part of why he acts this way. But also , you ask if he does not love you. Well, it's difficult to read into people's hearts, personally I think those who love act in a loving way, but I guess it depends from individual definitions of love.
Anyway, no, he won't change, you got him used too comfy, - the only one that can change is YOU.
You will have either to grow some backbone and dump him- or grow a thicker skin and learn not to be hurt by his comings- and-goings.
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A
female
reader, lacy31 +, writes (29 May 2011):
lacy31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI mean listening to him over things like smoking weed.. Making him foood .. Turning on light, not listening to his feelings or just listening in general
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (28 May 2011):
sorry but you cannot put all the blame just onto him. if you admit that you don't listen to things that he feels are important but that you don't and you admit that you are sometimes bad to him - but you don't want to break up, then maybe it is time you made some changes to your behaviour. it sounds like maybe you are pushing him to leave you and then you pull him back to you. start to treat him in exactly the same way that you would like to be treated and hopefully he will follow your good example.
things cannot continue this way coz every time you two argue or behave badly to each other and break up a little bit of the love disappears and might never grow back, eventually a break up could become a permanent one as there is not enough left in the relationship to make it worth coming back to
x
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (28 May 2011):
 Personally I am not seeing what joy is in this relationship for you.
if he breaks up with you, I'd not beg him to come back. I'd not apologize.
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A
female
reader, tia2001 +, writes (28 May 2011):
nxt time just walk away and have a laugh whith over freinds she/he will sone come running bac i was the same befor but now i just walk away and have a laugh
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A
female
reader, lacy31 +, writes (28 May 2011):
lacy31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYour so right it is emotionally exhausting! I hate it I just want to be together and stop withh the immature games :( I should give myself a few months buts it would be hard because I want to be with him .. -_-
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2011): "the question is does he break up with me because he likes me begging him bk or is he just not in love with me?"
Both. He obviously doesn't love you because if he did he would not want to cause you hurt or risk losing you. He likes you begging to come back because it makes him feel important and in control. He likes the fact you're seemingly completely dependant on him. Of course you haven't made it any better for yourself by repeatedly going back to him. Now he knows you will always come back and respects you even less.
So really either put up and shut up or leave as he's not going to change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2011): Uggh is right. He sounds immature. I had a boyfriend who kept breaking up with me, only to want to come back a few days later. It became emotionally exhausting.
I think that you deserve better than him. Make a deal with yourself, that the next time he breaks up with you, to just cut him off. Don't let him make contact again. Give yourself a few months' rest from guys. You'll meet a better one-- there's lots of great guys out there.
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A
female
reader, lacy31 +, writes (28 May 2011):
lacy31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hate smoking weed and he knows it anyways enough with that, the question is does he break up with me because he likes me begging him bk or is he just not in love with me?
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (28 May 2011):
Hello again. He can't really stop you from seeing your friends. That's not his business.
Perhaps, if you sincerely do like these friends of yours, still see them, but just don't tell him. He doesn't need to know about it.
If he wants to smoke cannibis but you don't, that shouldn't matter to him. It's your choice if you don't feel like it - then don't. Don't be forced into it if you're not in the mood. That's also your choice, you do have that right.
If he gets upset over that, that's his problem - not yours.
I guess him getting upset over you saying no to smoking dope, is because he wants you to be on the same wavelength as him. It's like drinking alone, I guess. In other words, you both experience the effect of it at the same time. It's a different mindspace, that's for sure.
In any case, what you do with your body is your decision and no-one else's. It's your right. It's your freedom.
If he doesn't like it, too bad. He has to accept it nevertheless. Regardless of whether he likes it or not.
This is a life experience for you now, which you are probably learning from. It will teach you what you want and what you don't want in life.
It could even be that he uses cannibis much more than you like to use it, and eventually it could become a problem where he is "using" all the time. Then it might not stop at cannibis, he might get into heavier drugs and more dangerous drugs - like heroin. You don't want to go there.
The danger of drug use of any kind, is it can change a personality and even cause depression and the effects can be permanent. People who "use" drugs, can be very erratic and even violent. They can be short fused and go off into a violent rage over practically nothing at all. It can be a blind rage, which is completely out of control. Very frightening indeed.
So whatever you do, don't put yourself in any danger - read all the signs. Stay aware.
It often begins with cannibis. He might go further, he might not.
Just gauge it very carefully from now on. He could bring you undone, if you're not careful. You could lose everything. Tread very carefully.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, lacy31 +, writes (28 May 2011):
lacy31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh sorry for the misunderstanding, I mean listening to him tell me to turn off the light, or not to hangout with some of my girlfriends he doesn't like or to go somewhere he doesn't want me too. EVEN not smoking weed when he wants me to he went to bed mad over that like seriously ughh I'm 20 he's 19 .
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (28 May 2011):
Hi there. It's really important in any relationship, to know that you are being heard, and that what you say matters.
If something is important to him, well then you have to respect that and listen to him.
If you want him to listen to you - even when it's something that's not so important to him - you would like him to listen to you, wouldn't you? Of course you would.
It goes both ways. Give and take - equally.
When you listen to someone who wants to talk about something that's important to them, you must listen respectfully and not interrupt or change the subject before they are finished speaking. It then sends the message to them that they are important to you, and that they matter.
If you do that for him, he will do the same for you in return, I promise you.
If you want him to listen to you, you must also do the same.
Good communication is so important in any relationship. It can make it or break it. It shows that you care.
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