A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello all. I've seen a lot of questions here from men who cannot deal with their girlfriend's past, but I'm in at the opposite end of the problem and I need help. I'm sorry this is so long.I have a lot more sexual experience than my boyfriend. I am now thirty, and my boyfriend is twenty-seven. I had slept with twenty people before we met (him, five) and in my late teens I worked for two years in a strip-bar. I was upfront about my past early in our relationship because I want a future with him and thought it was important to be open.He now keeps bringing up my past all the time, and I feel that he is using it against me. He gets upset at me out of nowhere and says things like "why don't you just go and f*** someone, like all those men you f***** before?" and "I'm just one of many, one in a big long line" and "I hate the way you massage men's egos constantly, working the room like a stripper, it makes me sick".It hurts me a lot, and I'm getting sick of defending myself. I was promiscuous for a short period in my late teens, when after an extremely traumatic family event, I became nihilistic and self-hating. I also took a lot of drugs in this period. Since then I have put a lot of effort into putting my life back together and am proud of where I am now. I have a good job, strong relationships with my family and I do a lot of charity work. Since turning my life around in my early twenties, I have had two long term boyfriends who I was very serious with (cohabiting for four years and one year) and two short "rebound' flings after each of these, with men whom I felt seriously about at the time but which only lasted a few months. I ended the most recent of these about six months before I met my current partner. I ended this relationship because the man in question told me he was not in love with me, and I said I was not interested in having a non-loving relationship. All my past relationships ended on good terms and I feel I have healthy relationships with my exes: ie I do not speak to them very often but I know that if I sent them a friendly text or email, it would be returned with good-will and in the same platonic manner. I have met and like their present girlfriends. I had one drunken kiss with a male friend (who had persistently chased me) in the six months I was single before meeting my boyfriend. I firmly told this friend I wasn't interested in hooking up for fun, and only wanted a serious loving relationship, so it wouldn't go any further.My partner now also brings these exes up constantly, saying things like "I'll always be second best" and "I bet you went further to make (ex) happy than you ever would for me". Despite my better judgement, I've cut off all contact with them to appease him, but it seems to make no difference. He accused me of "surrounding myself with men", so (again feeling it was somewhat against my better judgment) I stopped contacting or mentioning my male friends.We've been together two years now. Everything is perfect between us 90% of the time. However, he can just turn on a pin and start attacking me about my past, and I can never predict when it will happen. He says he is not attacking me, he is just insecure and anyone would feel the same with an ex-stripper. I feel like I've put my past behind me, and I'm happy and proud of who I am, but his accusations are starting to dog at my confidence. He admits he's insecure and keeps saying "I want to change, I want to be a better man for you". I just don't know what to do. Any advice?
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female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (9 March 2012):
 From your post I get the feeling that you feel the need to justify your actions to us, as well as your boyfriend. I'm here to tell you that not only do you NOT need to do that, you shouldn't do that. At 25, I have quite a number of partners under my belt, and I'm nowhere close to being ashamed of it. I wouldn't go as far as to say I'm proud, but I, like you, have come a long way and see it as part of my past. I made the decision to sleep with every single one of them, and we have to stand by our decisions, right? Your boyfriend has told you he is insecure, which he really didn't need to do since it's obvious from the way he has been treating you. The men you slept with before your relationship with him have no bearing on it (unless you're bringing an std or child into it, which I will assume u are not since you didn't mention either). Stop defending yourself to him, you don't need to. As much as we hate to see our partners feeling badly in any way, sometimes they do it to themselves. You have done nothing wrong here. Really, you have not. At all. I am sure you have reassured him constantly about all of this, which is really all you can do. Stop letting him talk to you the way he has been. Stop letting him attack you. You don't deserve it, and it's not somehow acceptable because he feels insecure about your past. That is his burden to carry. Don't let him trash your confidence. Stand up for yourself, and for how you want to be treated. Reconnect with your friends. If he can't move on from this, and you are still interested in carrying on a relationship with him... try counseling. If that doesn't work, you need to think about finding someone else. I guarantee you there are plenty of men out there who wont necessarily be thrilled by your past experiences, but they wont particularly care, either. It's not a big deal, and it shouldn't be treated as such. Just remember that you are important, and you deserve to be treated with respect at ALL times. You should value your own happiness enough to not let someone else take it away from you.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (8 March 2012):
 I didn't have to read beyond your second paragraph before I was absolutely sure that I could tell you that this guy is probably going to keep this up as long as you permit it.... then will keep it up beyond that.....
He's "tipped his hand" about having a problem with your past... which, incidentally, is YOUR past, and NONE OF HIS BUSINESS!!!
Soooo, you have to decide if you're interested in staying in a verbally (at least) abusive relationship.... or, if you wish to get out now....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 March 2012):
 I am sure I will be attacked for this by some who think I am being overly simplistic. To those young girls who read this and have not yet made such mistakes.. take this as a lesson to you that no matter how well you clean up your act, sometimes your past WILL haunt you.
If he was posting and saying “I can’t deal with my gf’s past” I would give HIM the same advice I am going to give you. Leave him. I do not think that there is anything you can do to make it better.
HE KNEW about these things when the two of you got together. And KUDOS to you for being honest….I don’t think anyone would feel this way. I think that it’s the way insecure people would feel. And guess what HIS insecurity is just that, it’s HIS and YOU CAN’T fix that. He needs therapy to fix that.
I am 13 years older than my partner. I was a swinger in my last marriage… I have slept with more men in my 52 years than I can count. I grew up in the very open and sexually promiscuous 70s…. My fiancé, met me when I was married to the last husband. His only request to me when we got engaged was that I cut ‘all ties” to former relationships. I have a tattoo that has to be covered to comply with that but I get to keep my children! (they are grown) My fiancé has had less than ¼ the experience in his life sexually that I have had and guess what… it’s NEVER an issue. I do not think that everyone would have the issue with an ex-stripper as your boyfriend says.
What the poor man is setting up is a self-fulfilling prophecy. He is so sure you will leave him that he treats you in a manner that guarantees that you will. IF you can point that irony out to him and he agrees to go to counseling for his self esteem issues then maybe you guys can work it out but I don’t’ hold out much hope for you without therapy for him and maybe for both of you as a couple.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): I have a lot of RJ feelings with my GF. I wish she was handling things like you are. As usual I think the insecurity explanation for RJ is wrong here. Even if the person with the problem puts that label on himself it still sounds more rooted in the principle of the thing to me. When someone is insecure you can usually work to assure them. But I don't think any amount of assurance is going to make your BF stop feeling this way. I don't know what you can do except to refuse to tolerate the verbal abuse about it anymore. You don't owe your BF anything. You did things you regret, you changed your attitude and habits, you told him the truth at the beginning of the relationship so he could make his own choice, you don't make your BF deal with it in any other ways like hanging around with exes now, etc. I can understand his feelings but he has ZERO room to be abusive like that. You have done everything right since you met him as far as I can tell.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): Oh an abusive ahole that thinks he can trash talk you because of your past. So he thinks he is better than you and picks fights to insult you, talk down, mistreat you.That sounds like an insecure, abusive man that thinks he doesn't deserve you but instead seek anger managament and counselling- he just abuses you.He is an insecure, abusive, angry man. Healthy, happy, confident men don't act as your BF does. Not even remotely. They love and treat you fantastic and are happy you treat them in a like manner.I say you either get him to agree to counselling or you turf him.Sweetie you can find a man that treats you as you deserve regardless of your past.The thing that bothers me about small minded thinkers, is that they think its okay for men to sleep around and have multiple parnters [ a mindset men held to for centuries and still do] but not women. It was a means to control the women and not be accountable themselves.I don't think a man that has 5 partners is all that. Its more his character, integrity that matters anyways. And right now, your BF lacks these honourable traits.You, on the other hand, have a great sense of self worth and I'm glad you know you deserve better than his insecure bull crap.Its him, not you. As my Dad says- 9 times out of 10, the woman is fine, its the man who is a d*nk. ;)Counselling. If he refuses- walk.
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