A
female
age
30-35,
*lise22
writes:Hey everyone, there is something that is bothering me and I don't know what to think about it, so I would like your opinions.Last night, my boyfriend and I had had a couple of drinks and were talking (and maybe saying more than we would have if we hadn't had anything to drink). So somewhere in that conversation, I don't remember how it came up, my boyfriend said that he sometimes thinks about other girls when we have sex. He said it's not all the time and I do turn him on, but sometimes he just needs something extra to be able to orgasm.I don't care who he thinks about when he's masturbating (he said he has thought a lot about me when masturbating too, which somehow makes me feel a little better), but when we're together, I really just want him to focus on me and want to be with me. This is making me question if he even really loves me like he says he does. When I asked him who he thought about (sounding alarmed probably), he said it was just random pretty girls he saw on the street. On the one hand, I feel like he wouldn't lie because he feels so strongly about honesty in relationships (on my part as well), but on the other hand he probably knew I would freak out if he told me it was someone he knows personally.We talked about a lot of other things as well, and I did feel closer to him after having such an intimate conversation, but I'm a romantic and very serious about sex and love. It just feels like our relationship has lost a bit of its purity. We've only been together for eight months, I shouldn't bore him yet, right? He's always saying sex with me is great.Do you have any idea how I should deal with this? Is it normal and should I just let it go? I really don't want to break up with him because other than this, our relationship is wonderful.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 February 2014):
 If he was smart, he wouldn't have mentioned that to you. It's almost as bad as the question:" Do I look fat in these pants/dress?" No matter what he says, it can be interpreted as "wrong".
He says no honey you look great - then he MUST be lying. If he says yes, then he is an asshole.
Get my drift?
I think EVERYONE has fantasies about other people then their spouse/partner, I can't say about during sex though, I personally, focus on my partner and myself - 2 people in my mind/bed is enough for me - but I can't say 100% that my husband feels the same way. At least though, he is smart enough to not tell me otherwise.
It was a dumb move on his part.
A
female
reader, elise22 +, writes (9 February 2014):
elise22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I didn't say I fantasize about this friend, I just said I think he's attractive when I see him (which is not often).
@peaches123: thanks for understanding! I guess men and women just are entirely different species, which is why we often can't understand each other..
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 February 2014):
 I just have to ask. When you say you think about his best friend, what do you then mean by saying you always imagine it to be your boyfriend?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): Ok, I have to argue some of these comments. Because I am a female, and seriously the only person i think about when i am having sex is the person i am having sex with and my own performance. Just as guys have their wacked out sexual needs, us females have emotional needs that are just as strong, and therefore it is not right to tell this girl that she is insecure or over reacting about this. Yea, he shouldnt have said it. Unfortunately, when a guy opens up to a girl, there are many things a girl can not understand hell likely have to say. OP, there are guys with a little less sex drive than what we see all over the place, just as there are girls with a little less emotional needs out there. Guys will tell you that they are meant to plant their seeds everywhere, but in the end long lasting healthy relationships are rare. It takes one mature guy and one mature girl who can find that healthy balance between sex and emotional needs to have that long lasting relationship. This would hurt my feelings too, especially considering the only thing on my mind during sex is whether or not hes happy with my performance and if im pleasing him, and yet he needs thoughts of other women to bust? Yea, its common. But that doesnt mean how you feel about it doesnt matter. If it hurt your feelings, then it hurt your feelings. just as guys will tell you that you dont understand a mans needs, most of them cant understand a womans either.
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A
female
reader, elise22 +, writes (8 February 2014):
elise22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@WiseOwlE: Thank you for that (both other answerers as well)! It made me feel better to hear men say that it is a normal thing and I shouldn't worry.
Honestly though, I'm not a hypocrite. I'm a sexual person and I can't deny that I sometimes dream about other guys, or that I'm attracted to other men than my boyfriend (e.g. one of his best friends, which I don't think he has to know since I would never cheat on him). I watch porn sometimes, just because it's easy and fun. And, I sometimes fantasize during sex, because it can help me get off.
The difference is, that in my fantasies I never focus on other people. In porn, it's the situation and actions that turn me on, not the people. In my fantasies, it's also about other situations (like sex in public or something), but it's always with my boyfriend, because I'm just so turned on by him and he's the only one I want to have sex with or think about having sex with. That said, I can't control my thoughts but I can control what I fantasize about, since fantasizing is something that you do consciously to enhance your excitement.
I guess the reason I find it hard to understand that he thinks about other women, is that I don't do it myself. You don't have to believe me but I think it would be weird to freak out about it if I could understand where it came from. That's why I don't care if he watches porn or is attracted to other people (though I might not need to know who they are).
Thank you so much for your advice, because I really wanted to hear that I was stressing over nothing (and not that my relationship isn't healthy, which seemed to be the reaction of a lot of women to similar questions I found on other forums). I do have a tendency to think the worst and get jealous, so I know now that it's my problem, not his.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): I guess too much to drink let out too much information.
Now let me slam a little reality on you.
Guys can be pretty stupid when it comes to sex and a woman's emotions.
No matter how much we try to explain how we think; women don't get it. They are quicker to think the worse; and turn something totally benign into something terrible. Men aren't supposed to be able to control our penises.
Which is the main reason men don't discuss our feelings or emotions. They will either be taken totally out of context, or female insecurities will blow things completely out of proportion.
Exposing our feelings is usually a hangman's noose. It will either make us vulnerable to manipulation; or open to suspicion. Nothing in-between.
Women pretend that they never fantasize or feel attracted to other men when they have a boyfriend or husband. Bull!
I have sisters, lady friends, lesbian friends, and female colleagues. I'm gay, and they are quite candid with me about their feelings and experiences. I pick their brains and listen to girl-talk when I hangout with my lady-friends.
I can walk on both-sides of the street. I know your secrets.
For the sake of argument, and to justify their insecurities when complaining about her man and his porn, or his sexual fantasies; I would expect women to claim they think of no one but him. Again, bull!
Soap operas would have gone out of style years ago; if it wasn't for female passion, their appetite for drama, and the hunks bursting out of their shirts and bulging out of the front of their tight jeans and slacks. Why do girls scream with they see hot male celebrities? Fantasy! That's why.
Your boyfriend is neither deaf, dumb, nor blind; because he has a girlfriend. The difference is, he has feelings for you, and other girls are only sex-objects. You're his sweet little sex-object too; but that isn't politically correct to tell your girlfriend. Unless you're having sex and talking dirty.
You had an intimate conversation. He opened up, which is a sign of trust. Not true-confessions. He was explaining something very typical with most rational and healthy "adults." Regardless of gender. All the bullsh^t aside that women can only be attracted to one single solitary person sexually. Fantasies don't go away because they are committed to a guy or another female.They don't stop dreaming.
Seriously?!! Get a grip girlfriend!
No matter what you'll claim in defense of your own feelings and what you wouldn't care to admit to justify the context of your post. Don't be jealous of his "thoughts."
Can you stop your mind from working? Stop a thought from entering your mind? Control the content of your dreams?
Then eliminate bad thoughts about your boyfriend's fantasies. Don't turn it into something bad.
Honestly, he cares very much for you.
You could just as easily get bored with him. Women are not perfect and they do hurt men. They do have fantasize about other men; and they dream about other people while they have lovers and husbands.
Ladies with insecurities are the last to admit to such things; because they don't want their boyfriends, girlfriends, or husbands to do the same. It makes them uncomfortable about themselves. That's just too bad.
Such is life!
If he doesn't cheat, he spends all his time with you, and
his thoughts don't become reality. You'll be fine.
It was mostly the alcohol talking, and you needn't feel threatened; unless he tells you he wants to be with other women. Men fantasize about a lot of things during sex. Good luck finding one who doesn't.
Unless you become a mind-reader and a fortuneteller.
Relax. That's how you deal with it.
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (8 February 2014):
 It's not just common, it's hyper-common both for men and women. Sometimes one needs to be tickled here or there to reach the seventh skies, sometimes he(r) needs to tickles ones imagination to get the same effect. What's sad is that your boyfriend felt the urge to tell you that which is vastly infuriating for women generally speaking.
No need to alarm yourself that said, men sexuality is way more fragile on a mechanical as well as on a psychological degree than women sexuality, it should have remained his "little secret".
The point would be to know whereas during sex with you he is thinking to Gwyneth Paltrow to help him orgasming, or if he is thinking to Margaret Thatcher to slow down in order to last longer...
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