A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some insight into a new relationship. I am a year out of a divorce and just started dating again. I have not been with a man in two yrs. Well, I recently met someone who seems to be great. We have been dating for almost 4 months. We recently had sex for the very first time. We have made it clear that we want to take things slow. For one, I am still recovering from a divorce with three kids. For two, he is just getting out of a relationship that ended 1 year ago. I think I love him. We talk about the future all the time. He shared with me that he thinks he is starting to fall in love with me and hopes that I would marry him. I haven't felt this way about another man for years. Every since we had the sex episode, we can't stop. We really enjoy each other. The only problem I have is that I'm scared to commit. I want a relationship but then again I don't. He wants to get financially stable before we commit. I feel kinda nervous. I don't know where this is going. One minute I'm cool then the next minute I'm uncomfortable. It's me who is not ready, so what is my problem?
View related questions:
divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): My partner of over twenty years died seven years ago. February 2, was the anniversary of his death.
The hardest thing on earth was making myself get out and allow my feelings to open to anyone else. I can certainly relate to that fear and trepidation. A divorce isn't the same; however, there is still grief for a loss. You need time to heal, and the last thing you'd want to do is experience that pain all over again.
You've already agreed to take it slow. Being experienced and mature, you know what you're doing. You're supposed to be scared. That's what makes it so wonderful. He is awakening feelings you exposed before; but they were buried for protection. You don't have to rush into anything.
He is feeling good, because he has found himself a good woman. He may be a little excited at the moment. Maybe getting a little ahead of things, just reel him back in.
Remind him from time to time, that you are still recovering from the divorce. That takes time. He'll understand.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 February 2014):
 4 months is not enough time to make long term decisions. There is much more to marriage than being financially stable. You should take the time to get to know each other. You felt like your first marriage was a mistake and you just want to make sure this would not be another mistake. He is much more optimistic than you are. It's dangerous to get married based on the "in love" feelings because if you are not compatible and there is no harmony at home then it's easy to fall out of love just as fast. He's not thinking the big picture. He might be talking about marriage because the last divorce left a hole in his heart and he is so ready to fill it.
It is not your problem being commitment phobic. In fact it is natural to feel the way you do after a divorce. It is him who is letting his heart lead too much. He doesn't even know what it would be like to live with 3 kids who are not his own. It is good that he respects marriage and women but you need to take the time. It is not wise to jump into another marriage without taking baby steps.
...............................
|
