A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've "been with" this guy for over a year now. I put that in quotes because even though we are pretty much boyfriend and girlfriend, there is no title.It's been a long, tumultuous year, filled with a lot of uncertainty and infidelity on his part. The reality of my situation is there's always been a disparity of emotions, I.e, I liked him wayy more than he liked me. Sucks, I know. We met 3 days after he and his ex of 3 years broke up; I knew he wasn't ready for anything serious and I was probably just the rebound but somehow I convinced myself it wasn't all bad, let him seduce me and ended up losing my virginity to him 3 months later. Long story short, in the past year he's had sex with 3 other girls (including his ex), led other girls on (including his ex's (now ex-)best friend) etc etc. While at the same time telling me he's not ready for a relationship and he doesn't know if he'll ever be (extremely convenient, since he gets the full girlfriend package from me with the added perks of being able to sleep with other girls). Through all this, I've stayed with him: yes, i know i can do a lot better and no, i dont have low self esteem... However I'm in a phase in my life where this "relationship" is also very convenient for me (I'm unemployed and waiting to start grad school) and besides, he has my heart and he knows it. Plus, the sex is amazing. Despite his seeming lack of respect for our "relationship", I know he really does care about me and he's the one person I know in this world who has my back. He always comes through when I need him.He moved to a different area for work (only 3 hours away, thank God) so we only get to see each other once a month for about 3-5 days. At first, we fought a lot because even though he hadn't made any friends nor did he have any kind of social life, I wouldn't hear from him for up to 3 days at a time and it really bothered me. We'd be messaging and he'd disappear on me, and then he'd say there was nothing to talk about. This made me feel like I was unimportant to him, like I was on the same level as all those other random girls despite the fact that we've been through so much together. However, this year things have been so much better. Ever since we met up early January it seems like our "relationship" hasn't been the same. He'd call me everyday, even if we'd been chatting all day (used to be like once a week). And then he'd Skype me even on top of this! I dont have to seek him out anymore, cuz he's the one who is in constant contact now. He started making friends as well, but even when he's out with them he'd still send me a message or call me afterwards to tell me all about it. He considers me before doing anything (he joked about it today how he doesn't like how I'm always in his head such that he can't even try to chat up a girl without feeling bad). The other day, he randomly said that he knows that he's put me through a lot, and why do I still love him?He's said we're going to end up married and he's always making references to our children.I don't know, is it possible that finally this disparity of feelings has reduced? That he loves me almost as much as i love him? That he appreciates me and has come to realize how lucky he is to have me in his life?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): I'm the original poster. Thank you for all your answers.To clarify, he didn't tell me about the other girls... I found out all by myself and confronted him about it and we addressed it.I don't think he's acting out of guilt or obligation; typically, when I get upset at him he's super sweet and attentive to me for a short while after but soon reverts to his old ways, but this has been consistent for over a month. Also, it wasn't brought on by a fight or an argument, it just happened and honestly irs been a pleasant surprise.As unbelievable as it may sound, I am not unhappy; at least not in the way you'd think. He has actually asked me to be his girlfriend on two separate occasions; I declined because he didn't really want it and he only asked to keep me from being so "unhappy" and to bring an end to the unavoidably painful "status check" conversations. However, I came to the conclusion then that I wouldn't get into an official relationship with him until it's something he actually wants, as shown by his actions and attitudes towards me. It may never happen. But so far, his actions seem to suggest that he's warming up to the idea. I'm just gonna sit back and wait, like Tisha-1 suggested.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): if he wanted you to be his girlfriend/wife, he would have made it so a long time ago. why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free right? and not only did he get your milk for free, but he sample a shit ton of other cows and then tells you about it...why? because he knows you will never make him change and shit, that's a great deal for anyone. He is getting away with murder, but only because you let him darling.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 February 2014):
 It's possible. Now all you have to do is sit back and see if his actions match the lovely words. If you can manage to get some objectivity into your self-analysis then you'll have the answer really fast…
If he hasn't asked you to marry him or be his girlfriend, then he doesn't consider you to be his fiancee or his girlfriend.
If he keeps referencing the girls he's chatting up….
If he keeps on putting sexual adventures with lots of women ahead of building or nurturing a relationship with one…
You said at the beginning of the question all these things about how strongly you feel about him:
It's been a long, tumultuous year, filled with a lot of uncertainty and infidelity on his part
I was probably just the rebound but somehow I convinced myself it wasn't all bad, let him seduce me and ended up losing my virginity to him 3 months later.
there's always been a disparity of emotions, I.e, I liked him wayy more than he liked me. Sucks, I know
You go on to say more things that show you are really unhappy with the status quo though you like the convenient sex from him. You try hard to be cool with the friends with benefits thing but it's so obvious that you hate it and don't want that with him.
I think you are wishful thinking, sorry.
He's feeding you whatever you need to hear in order to keep you available to him as a sexual partner. He's not actually interested in intimacy with you of a boyfriend/ girlfriend sort.
If you were a friend or sibling posting this message, I'd tell you to stop the affair with him because you are just setting yourself up for a great big huge hurt.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 February 2014):
 The relationship is not something he aspires to have. More like he is dealing with it out of guilt, and also to make sure no one else could have you. You love him because you are attached to him. He'd never had to earn your love. When something is handed to him for free, he doesn't respect it. It's when it's out of reach and he has to work hard to achieve it, then he sees the value of his work. Love can be a feeling but you also need to see it as a conscious act. You love the senses and the sweet feelings when you are together. But what has he done to deserve your love?
You make excuses that because you are studying and don't have a job, therefore a relationship is not suitable at the moment. Who says that you need money and independence to make a relationship workable? If you are wishing that he loves you more, then in your heart you are not quite accepting of this arrangement. If you could handle it then it wouldn't be a tumultuous year. Until you have the official title it is a waste of energy to invest feelings. People say, why buy the cow when you have the milk for free? I say, why buy the pig when all you want is a little sausage?
A man likes to see that he is making a difference to the woman's life. You are not happy and he has done little to make you happy. All he had done is just enough for you to not walk away. When he knows that he treats you bad and you still cling on to him, he wonders about what you see in him, and he wonders about your judgment in men. I would believe that it's not your self esteem. I am not going to say that all relationships start with only one formula which is the dating courtship ritual. Some lucky people do have sex on the first date then get married years later. Okay you might have intact self esteem but some guys feel that if a girl wants sex then automatically she is doing it to get love from the guy. Some guys can only love what they have to chase after.
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