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female
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anonymous
writes: HI there,please can someone help - I'm going crazy here. I wrote a while ago explaining that I moved to the US to be with a man who dumped me because I basically ignored what he wanted and moved into his house with no leaving date (we had agreed two months - it was all my idea - but I let it slide and stayed longer with no date to leave and he felt like things were out of control intense) I was also needy and insecure due to the weird situation being away from home and the whole relationship couldn't function.We didn't have a fight, I just moved out and he said he couldn't promise anything. Basically we needed a break.I didn't call him (except once or twice for practical reasons like borrowing his car) but he did call me more than he had to.Now I am staying in the the US and have my own friends and fun.A few days ago, he came round my house on some excuse and we chatted. Then the next day we spoke on the phone and he asked whether we were just friends or going to be dating and was I angry about what happened.He also said he was worried that our mutual group of friends would hate him and make life difficult for us.I told him I wasn't angry, my life was much happier now and that if my friends weren't supportive, it would be none of their business to make things difficult.Basically my oldest, best friend lives here (that's how come I visited and met him) and to put it mildly, she's a handful! All my life she's pushed me around and been bossy. She loves me dearly but her idea of loving a friend is to control them and make them feel bad. She's always been frosty towards my boyfriends and in this case was often downright rude!I told him on the phone that i was sorry I didn't stand up for him agaist her and i shouldn't have put him in that position where he felt he had to take her rudeness for my sake.Then the other night I saw him (he was looking after my dog) and he said he had decided for sure he needed to keep people like my friend separate from his life because he couldn't function with her, she's so difficult It also, I think, makes me look pathetic that i have a friend like her.Then (sorry it's so long!) I had a heated discussion with my friend. She said my being in the us had put a strain on her marriage because she cares about me and when I broke up with my man it got in the way of her happiness with her husband. That she feels responsible for me being here.I told her that's not friendship to me - if you care you don't make someone feel guilty for being cared about. I also said it was demeaning to me that she assumes I can't handle my own decisions to move here.Now I just feel so confused. i feel like I don't want to see her again - even though we are very close and have so much shared history and a deep understanding.I also want the man back in my life. We are very similar people and I miss him and the feeling of being with someone who understands who I am and is sensitive to things.please please help - I am a mess.Should I stay away from the man to make him come to me? Or should I write to him/call him and tell him how I feel?Should I have it out completely with my friend - and give her a chance to see how I feel? or should I go home, leaving her and the man behind?Thank you
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a break, best friend, broke up, insecure, moved in, moved out Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2005): ditch the controlling bitch, happiness is yours for the taking, follow your heart...but also remember that good friends are hard to find, do you consider her to be a good friend if all she can do is control you!
A
female
reader, missdee +, writes (21 September 2005):
You and your man got off on the wrong foot to begin with, however it seems since you have slowed things down and went on with your life he is wanting to be a part of it now. It is also clear that you want to be a part of his life. Take things slow this time.
If your friends want to cause trouble then tell them "how would you like it if I caused trouble for you? If they are a good friend they will want to see you happy even if they do not approve of who you want to be with. It is your life. You don't need someone's permission to live it as you want to.
I wasn't sure if you are living with your friend or alone, I assume with your friend. If this is right, you may need to move into a place of your own. If your friend won't stop causing trouble for you and your man. Relationships are difficult enough without outsider comming in and trying to mess things up for you.
Let the man come to you. I think he will. Just make sure your friends stay out of it or it they won't then make new friends. True friends only want happiness for their friends even if they don't think it is right what they are doing. Lots of Luck .. Hope you find what you are looking for.
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A
female
reader, tatiana +, writes (21 September 2005):
Very complicated question. Your emotions are all over the place. You need to be you. Don't try to please your best friend or your man. Be yourself. If that means losing both
of them so be it. Don't leave like this - you need to clarifiy this situation or you will always wonder what if. Being best friend doesn't mean being overly protective or making you feel guilty that her marriage suffers becaus of your problems. Tell her, how you feel, be honest - listen to your heart and just do it. Tell him how you feel also and see his response. Put the cards on the table and then leave if both of these people in your life say or do something that is unaccaptable to you. You took such a chance of coming here to this country for this - make sure it is worth it. At least you will know, you did everything in your power. One more thing, don't appologize or feel bad because someone did or said something - everyone is responsible for their own actions. Good luck.
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