A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone, just want to thank u ahead of time for reading... Ok here we go.. There's 5 of us girls who we have been best friends since high school.. We've known each other since elementary.. But all of us got really close after high school.. We're all in our late 20's now.. 2 of 3 r now married the other 2 have boyfriends I'm the only single one..but that's not the issue.. Ok out of the other 4 I was really close to one let's call her katy.. Well I've know her pretty well I always defended her through out high school from others picking on her, or when a guy tried playing her I would tell them off, she's been the sissy one of the group I guess.. She's had a low self-esttem of herself through out high school and a lil after finishing.. Guys would use her she was always vulnerable take advantage of her.. We all would always try to lift her spirits up tell her she's beautiful she just always picked the wrong guys.. Well there was a year in half were I kind of left the group.. Do to having a misunderstanding.. But katy was always call me or txt me to check up on me.. Through out the year I was gone she was going through some tough time.. When I started coming back around wich was like in feb of 2010 she told me she met someone and they've been going out for like a month.. The other girls had already met him except for me.. All the other girls told me he was no good he was mean, rude and treated her badly.. I guess she warned him about me because I was the bitchy one of the group because when I met him I saw the opposite of what everyone said.. But after getting to know him all hanging out going out.. I've noticed he's is mean and rude..I even noticed he started controlling her.. We all would ask if she's happy she would always say yes and that she was in love.. But 9 months into they're relationship he asked her to marry him and she said yes..we were not happy at all hearing this but we never showed her.. The reason we all believe he did this was to get his visa situation fixed he's from somewhere in africa.. But she insisted that was not the case.. Even her mother would tell us she didn't like him.. Well she did end up marrying the guy.. And were all ok as long as she was happy it was all good.. But we were not asked to be part of anything to be in the wedding.. Her cousin which she use to hate helped with everything including being maid of honor..now they are inseperable doing things together.. She did not want us to throw her a bachlorette party or bridal shower nothing.. All we got was an invite.. Which we all felt hurt.. And after she married him she told us the reason she married him was because she felt that no else would be with her or marry her so that's why she said yes.. We all told her she is worth much more and any guy would love to be with her but she needed to let natures take its course.. But she wouldn't hear any of it..,now she's really changed doesn't go out with us anymore yes we know she's married I mean he is invited too but if he doesn't want to go she won't go the only time she would call us and want to hang out were the times he is away on a job site..he drinks a lot and she hardly drank.. Now she's a big acoholic.. Just like him and if we say something to her she changes the subject.. Sorry I know its a lil too long but here's where I'm really bothered katy's husband is a jerk.. He has made inappropriate comments towards me not one or twice but several times and one of my friends bf had noticed before..I would ignore them and walk away from him.. But this last time I got really upset because he made an inappropriate comment to me in front of her and she didn't even say anything at all to him.. I was mad I told the other girls that the next time this jerk does it again imma punch him in the face... We all didn't say anything to her but like a month after one of the girls told her what had happened and that I was really upset that she didn't say anything. She said she didn't hear him.. But I know she did because she just laughed and said oh babe and turned her head away..its been months and she doesn't talk to me call me or even txt me.. She invites the others over for gatherings except for me.. I've seen her acouple of time and she avoids me tries not to talk to me or keeps our convo short..I've tried to talk to her but she won't.. And I'm really upset that she's doing this when its his fault and hers too because she won't say anything to him.. Should I just leave it as it is or keep trying to speak to her I really miss her a lot and I just don't know what to do. Please I need advise.. Sorry I know its too long thanks for reading..
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 July 2011):
 It's hard to take rejection, but in the end you need to realize that she has chosen him over you. Should have been the other way around, would have been nice to have a true friend, but when it comes down to it, she's not going to stick by your side. She's taken her choices, and is willing to lose the friendship over this guy. She's taken her stand. And just like with any relationship, it takes two to tango. If she's not willing to be your friend and put in the efforts to have a friendship, then you can't carry out a one sided friendship.
Cut your losses, she's a goner. She's not a friend of yours alone longer, she made her choice to not be your friend.
I propose you make it official. Have a conference with your other close friends and tell them what you're thinking around this, and hears their views. Say you still want to be their friend, but you are giving up on this one girl, as she wont return the efforts. She's given up on you, not fair that you should keep hanging on for ages.
Then get in contact with her. Tell her how it is. Keep the door open for a friendship in the future, so that if she ever does break free from her controlling husband she can come to you. But don't take it out on the husband in the conversation, this isn't about the husband. Make her responsible for her own actions. If she can't be your friend, you can't be her friend. When/if she ever wants to be friends again your door will be open.
Then say bye. Don't bother contacting her again. Just move on.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 July 2011):
 No no, please do not butt in. Katy may have low self esteem, but she is an adult, sane of mind, and was not forced at gun pont to get married. She made a decision, that may very possibly turn out bad- but that's her problem and her responsibility. I know you are her best friend, but the role of a best friend is to be unconditionally supportive and to be there if the s..t hits the fan, not to tell you how you are supposed to live your life.
Beside, this is a sensitive issue, the more you push, the mre she pulls away. Pressing the issue will only make her feel bad about herself, make her feel she needs to choose between her husband and her friends, or humiliated that her friends are pitying her.
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A
female
reader, Star xxx  +, writes (19 July 2011):
 I understand that you are worried about your friend but she is at the end of the day an adult and you need to leave her to lead her own life and make her own mistakes.
She is in love with this man and you putting him down all the time is pushing you two further apart, i know it is hard but you just have to be there for her when she needs you and pick up the pieces.
It could be a week or a year but she will be in contact again when she needs you, just make sure that the other girls let her know that you are missing her and you always ask after her dont force the issue.
Take care xx
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