A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi - I'm in a bit of a confusing situation right now. I'm very close friends with two people - Jack and Jill - who have been together for over five years. I've known (and have worked with) Jack for nearly four years, and have known Jill for nearly three years, and worked with her for two since she joined the same company. Jack and I are quite similar in that we enjoy deep conversations, share a lot of interests and are both quite nerdy. He's like the older brother I never got the chance to wish for, and I love him dearly. I love Jill too - she's like a sister to me, almost always cheerful and very kind. However, several times over the course of the three years I've known Jill, she'll suddenly stop talking to me. She won't acknowledge me beyond curt greetings at work, she doesn't engage in her usual social media antics, and she declines any invitations to our regular social gatherings. I recently offered to teach Jack how to paint. He's always wanted to know how, and while I'm not fantastic I've got a firm grasp of the theory and I can produce some nice pictures. So I thought we could make it a fun shared hobby and it'd be just another reason to have a laugh with one of my best friends while at the same time fulfilling one of his wants. He mentioned it to Jill tonight and later messaged me to tell me that she said the idea of that made her feel awful and she didn't know why. She doesn't want me to teach him to paint. They live together, so I don't know if it's maybe because I might be there when she isn't or if she genuinely doesn't trust either Jack or myself. I don't expect her to talk to me at work tomorrow having been told of this.Her behaviour makes me feel awful, not only because it affects our working relationship and because I think it means she doesn't truly trust me. Mostly, it worries me because Jill doesn't think that either of us value HER enough to not want to hurt her, and that breaks my heart. I've tried talking to her about this on three different occasions - every time, she gets defensive and acts like I'm imagining things, and then goes back to normal behaviour. I'd believe her if not for the fact that she's done this to another mutual friend/work colleague too. How can I deal with this? It's really starting to upset me.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 January 2016):
 I agree with the others . I think that either you are naive...or you are playing dumb.
Do you really not see how planning a fun shared hobby, with regular , time consuming sessions ( I suppose, going by my own oil painting classes - painting is not something that you learn dabbling half an hour here and another there ) which would totally exclude Jill, is , or at least can be reasonably perceived by her, as crossing boundaries ?
It's not even about trust. She can even trust 100% that you and Jack alone together would never ever do anything inappropriate. In fact, I think she does, otherwise she would not countenance having you around so often and so closely.
But it's a matter of respect and of not presuming you can infringe into gf's territory any time you want.
It's like, they are home, and you call " Hey Jack, do you want to come with me tonight to see Bridge of Spies ? "... Not cool ! Not because you'd take advantage of the darkness of the movie theater for fondling Jack all over , or viceversa . Jill probably would not even be thinking about that- but she would have any reason to be pissed anyway. Because the right thing to do would be to invite them both.( At which SHE can say , if she wants : " No thanks, I hate spy movies. Jack, why don't you go alone with X , I don't mind ". But that's up to her anyway ; she does not HAVE to say it ).
You don't propose fun, coupley, one on one activities to taken guys . As a rule of thumb, of course, in general . There may be exceptions , according to the different contexts. But , here the context is that Jill does not appreciate your intent to get closer to Jack- so I think you should simply and promptly back off , without any need for further heart-to-hearts.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2016): I completely agree with others, your friendship is a bit much. Teaching him to paint, somehow Ghost and the potters wheel springs to mind lol.
She obviously doesn't feel comfortable with how close you are and while you don't want to be anything more than platonic nobody but you truly knows this.
If you are all friends then you should all hang out together, you are offering to teach him to do something and leaving her out. When there are a group of three friends and one gets left out jealousy arises then. So it's even worse when the girlfriend is the one being left out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2016): You are overstepping friendship lines and if you are not careful you will lose both of them. How can you not see this? They are a couple in love and you are wanting to engage in activities with your friend Jack in a close and creative environment. This is incredibly hurtful and inconsiderate to Jill and you are treading a fine line here. If you can't see how this would cause problems then it shows you have boundary issues with friendships.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 January 2016):
 I think she feels like the 3rd wheel in HER relationship and that is never a nice feeling.
I do think you need to back off with doing things with Jack solo so much. The fact that you and him might be more similar than HER and Jack might be playing into it as well.
He can take painting classes from a total stranger and he can suggest she joins him.
Do you date yourself or do you focus on this friendship?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2016): You must be very naive. You are treading a fine line on their relationship, I mean why do YOU want to fulfil his want of painting - it should be either a solo learning for him or he should do it with his girlfriend and they can explore it together. Painting is quite intimate, if you'd said that you should attend a class together that would be fine as there are other people but one on one- come on can't you see that's a bit too intimate for friends?! It sounds as if this Jack is a replacement for the lack of a proper male intimate partner in your life so you want to share all your life's details and hobbies with him. I tell you this is wrong when he is ina relationship and I'm not surprised his girlfriend is upset by your ongoing actions. I hope you don't realise what you've been doing otherwhise you are just rude.You've got to make the friendship more platonic and less intimate, no wonder the girlfriend is angry you are trying to expand your hobbies and choosing him as your partner to explore them with you which is what his actual partner is there for. Stop trying to fill in for him, and get involved fulfilling the wants in his life, they are not yours to fill.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2016): Well I can understand... It is quite a coupley thing to do- learn to paint together. It would have been better to offer to teach them both, or go and teach your own date.
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