A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I am due to get married in August and I am no longer sure if its the right thing to do. Here is why: my fiance and I met when we were 20, and for the first year he behaved very disrespectfully, going out drinking and flirting with other girls. He claims he didnt cheat on me although Im not sure I believe that. Anyway, he got his act together and stopped behaving this way when I threatened to leave after a year of this crap. So we stayed together, got engaged, had a baby and our wedding is upcoming. It should be a happy time for me, but its not. I have been so down about it I havr been out drinking and flirting with men. This gives me a little thrill, as if Im getting even at him for the way he behaved at the start of our relationship. I have not cheated but I have been disrespectful. Although I did come close once, just to be spiteful. And then I felt so awful. I had no idea how much resentment I am carrying over the way he treated me in the past, I thought I was long over it but obviously not. I just feel he doesnt treat me right and when I look at him I just feel anger. But the anger stays inside, as it is years too late to have it out with him now, but because of this I am dealing with it in unhealthy ways. There have been nothing but arguements about our wedding, weve been fighting over people to invite etc. I just feel we should be looking forward to this and I am just not. I cant talk to him about it because its far too late now and he won't listen anyway, and I can't cancel or postpone the wedding because my family have spent thousands on it and would be devastated. And I would feel it would be unfair to our eight week old son as I really want him to have a mom and dad who are married.ï Any ideas on how I should handle this? Id be very grateful for your thoughts.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (23 January 2016):
Marriage and/or having children are the two most important decisions of your life, and who you select has a larger impact on your net life happiness than anything else.
Moral - NEVER do either unless you are 100% sure of your decision.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2016): If you are grit determined to marry someone who hasn't and doesn't make you happy then.... you will do. If you wanted to marry this man you presumably love (?) and adore you could have done so without the thousands of pounds commitment from relatives. At the moment it is all a charade. Why not postpone it. What's the rush? You have a baby together already.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (22 January 2016):
 Have you thought about going to pre marriage counseling? It should be seen as a positive not a negative thing. From what you post I gather this is not quite yet a case of "if in doubt don't' because you have not yet really exhausted all avenues of trying get the much needed lines of communication open and feelings aired. A commitment such as marriage cannot and should not be entered into until the slate is cleared. In your case having concerns heard, understood for you to be able to forgive and move forward. You have unresolved issues with the past which could pose a threat to your future. Like wise if he is feeling the same. If it can/cant be resolved the then you can feel confident in making the decision whether to call it off or not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2016): Do you really want to make such an important life-changing, and life-long decision based on the fact that your parents have spent thousands of dollars on it? Then pay your parents back and do not take no for an answer. Own up to it.As far as your son having a father, well, its better your son has no father at all than to have a set of parents who are fighting and are not happy with each other. I am not saying you guys arent happy, but I am sayign this out of experience of being a child of a dysfunctional marriage and dysfunctional family. I would much rather have had my parents divorce than to see thier fights and unhappiness everyday. Kids want to see thier parents happy, just like I do mine. ANYWAY, back to your fiance. Get counseling. You cant make a decision after you know you've gave it your all and put in effort to make it work. Post-pon the marriage for now and work on your relationship. If you've worked on it and notice he's still disloyal, (as in, if it's his personality to cheat or whatever). If he's not disloyal but he just flirts with other females and that makes you unhappy, then think about if you want that. If he flirts with other females but know he wouldnt cheat and you think it's not that big of a deal, then you tolerate it. But think about it well.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2016): "I can't cancel or postpone the wedding because my family have spent thousands on it and would be devastated." One should never go through with a wedding out of fear of not fulfilling others' expectations or disappointing them. Whatever the financial cost of calling off a wedding, in the long run it's still a lot cheaper that the emotional cost of a divorce."And I would feel it would be unfair to our eight week old son as I really want him to have a mom and dad who are married."I'm sorry, but you have it ass backwards. If you're not sure you want to marry this guy (for what appear to be quite legitimate reasons), then why on earth did you go ahead and HAVE A BABY WITH HIM? The time to determine whether or not a guy is a suitable potential husband is BEFORE you have a kid with him. Now you're going to be stuck with sperm donor in your life for the duration whether or not you marry him. In eighteen years how are you going to explain to your son that Mommy picked Daddy to be his father even though she didn't think Daddy was good enough to marry her?And at the risk of moralizing, the thousands your family spent on an elaborate after-the-fact shotgun wedding would have been much better invested in their grandson's future.Whatever you decide, your first and foremost priority should be your son's long term best interests. You obviously didn't think about his future before you entered into an ill-advised pregnancy, don't make the same mistake before you enter into an ill-advised marriage.As usual, whatever the fallout is, the kid will be the one to suffer the most.
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