A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, my friend and I have known each other for about 2 years now. We're always hanging out and there for each other. However, as long as I've known my friend she's been dating this guy. He, honestly, treats her like garbage.So, my friend has a one year old daughter with this guy, and as long as I've known her he's been making her life hell. He constantly lies to her, always keeps secrets, calls her ugly and puts her down, and fights with her over silly things.They probably break up twice a month, and it's a struggle to have to hear her complain about him and then run back the next day. And SHE'S the one who goes back crying.Just the other day he picked a fight with her when she asked him what he wanted for dinner, then called me hysterically crying while I could hear him screaming at her in the background. And he was pushing her with their one year old baby in his arms!And to top it off, for the past year she's been trying to get him to marry her so they can be a "happy family" and he constantly refused saying, "You're not my type." or, "I don't want to marry you." He even admitted to being embarrassed to introduce her to his friends! But suddenly changed his mind and is picking out rings!Here's the best part too, he's 15 years older than her. She's 22. She's been going to therapy, and even her therapists are telling her to leave him. But when they break up, she always threatens to kill herself.What can I do as a friend?
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female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (4 August 2014):
 It sounds like your friend is very emotionally unstable, and its obvious this guy isn't helping and is no good for her. Its very hard when a good friend falls in love with someone who simply treats them like crap, because obviously it puts you in a very hard position. However at the end of it all, its her choice, and as irritating as it might seem the only person who can convince her to leave this guy is her. And no amount of talking to her, convincing her, even sometimes give her advice is going to convince her. She has to realize for herself this guy is bad news. However her relationship is putting a big burden on you. If she rings you all the time crying and trying to get help and you tell her the same thing everytime and she doesn't listen, then really what can you do? Its a no win situation, and even if she is going through a really hard time, you are not responsible when it comes to there relationship and if she won't listen there is no point in her even asking you to help. I had a friend who got into a similar situation, it was obvious her boyfriend was lying and cheating on her all the time, when anything would go wrong I would be her first port of call, and as I was her friend I would always be there for her and give her the best advice I could. It never changed anything, and it soon got to the point where everytime I saw her the whole time we were together all she would talk about was her relationship but then she would run back to him and act like everything was fine. I soon got tired of hearing about it and subtly told her that if she wasn't going to listen what could I do? I even stopped hanging out with her at a point because everytime we were together it would be ruined or consumed by her relationship. And I think thats what made her realize that she couldn't keep going the way she was. So you have 3 options. Option 1: You can be brutally honest with her and tell her this guy is no good, the relationship is unhealthy and you are worried about her. You also need to mention that this relationship is putting a strain on yours and hers friendship and you can't help if she won't listen, and that all these problems with her boyfriend are causing you to find it difficult to have any "friend time" where you can have fun without her relationship coming into it. The bad thing about this option is she could of course take things the wrong way, get defensive about it and see it as you attacking her instead of merely trying to help. Option 2: You could kinda be passively honest with her, and when she next rings for help simply tell her there is nothing you can say because you have already said it and she won't listen. Then if she keeps on calling you for help or moaning about her boyfriend you could gently suggest you do something or talk about something else, and if it carries onn then you could stop spending as much time with her and let her figure it out for herself that her relationship is pushing people away. The bad thing about this option is it may take a lot of time for her to realize whats going on, she could hold it against you for not helping her and could become so consumed by her relationship that she forgets to spend time with you. Option 3: You can carry on doing what you have been doing. Giving her the same advice, telling her the same stuff, and just being there for her when she needs a shoulder to lean on. Of course she appreciates you always being there for her and as a friend that is the most you can ever do for another friend. The bad point about this option is the same stuff will keep happening until she comes to her senses, you will have to put up with the moaning and the phonecalls. Also, one thing that I must mention is the only time it is 100% nessacary for you to get full on involved in there relationship is if you are worried he is being violent to her, or she is being violent to him, or if you are worried he is being violent to there child or the child is being neglected. If that does happen you need to let social services though or look into what you can do legally to get her out of this relationship and into some kind of protection. Good Luck x
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (4 August 2014):
There's does not seem like anything you can do at this point. Whatever could be done I am sure you have already said and tried. There is something obviously wrong with your friend but it has been so long I am not sure how they can be solved. Even I am surprised you have stuck it out for so long. In your situation, I would have stopped being her friend. My reasoning is that my being there for her would actually be hurting her because she uses my strength to continue being in the relationship. I feel sorry for the child due to the selfishness by the parents.
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