A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Agony Aunts and Uncles,My husband and I are both in our early 30s and have been together for about 6 years now. We met and married in the city we currently live in, but, as of a year ago, I've begun to grow weary of this place and am frequently expressing my desire to move elsewhere. Clear across the country would be my preference. It seemed as though he was slowly warming to this idea, but today, during an unusually animated fight, he flat-out rejected the prospect of moving ANYWHERE and told me to get it out of my head once and for all. His main objection is that he doesn't want to drive. Where we currently live, the dominant and most efficient mode of transportation is subway. He's just come in and asked me what I want "to do" regarding us, generally. I guess this is his way of asking whether should we stay together or not. This is the only "issue" we have in our marriage, granted it is a big one. I love him, but I'm not going to be miserable just to please him, just like he won't move to please me. Is there some compromise we're overlooking? I've just done a quick search on the divorce process in our state, so this is getting serious.Thanks!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): Did you really mean your vows when you made them? Because they contain something about till death do us part.
If something as immaterial as location can make you consider divorce then I have to question the foundation of the marriage.
You met and married in your current city and to now turn around and say the continuation of the marriage is predicated on you relocating when relocating was not in the small print is simply absurd.
Do you really love him? Do you really wake up every morning thinking that he is your best friend and your confidant and your partner in life? Yet you would leave him for the sake of occupying a specific piece of land? Do you see how it doesn't make sense?
I would be extremely hurt if I were in your husband's shoes. I would questions how much I really mean to you if the prospect of a hypothetical home in a hypothetical neighbourhood with hypothetical friends and hypothetical jobs seemed infinitely more attractive than the home, friends and careers we have built around us and are very real.
Why do you want to move? Maybe if you specify that we can help you come up with compromises.
My husband loves the big city. I love being surrounded by nature. We compromised by living in a big city right next to a big park. I can go cycling or jogging whenever I want and I have a balcony with beautiful flowers.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 August 2014):
 Would you really divorce from a man you love and get along with, because you don't like your geographical surroundings ?...
I relocated several times in life, and , not that moving is such a negative, in fact, in my case, I was fortunate and after the first few months of adjusting, I found it an enriching, enlivening , interesting experience and have surely learned more, seen more, done more than if I had stayed all my life in my birthplace. Nevertheless " There are no pure lands , there are no impure lands ; all the purity belongs to the mind " as the buddhists say. It all depends from the way you look at things, and from how ready you are to appreciate what you've got where you live and make the very best of it, rather than to find flaws and pine for what isn't there.
Of course everybody has preferences and places that are more congenial to their tastes. If you love the sea, you'd feel better in a sea place than in a mountain one . But places are only..pleces- a conglomerate of houses, buildings, monuments- or fields, or beaches.
What makes the texture of your life, the essence of it, are other things, like the human relationshps you establish, the love you give , receive, and share, your family , your friends, the satisfaction that you get from your job, the enjoyment and appreciation of your little ( and big ) pleasures.. IF you love to read, you can read anywhere. If you love to cook ( or to sing, , to walk your dog, to... anything ) .. you can do it anywhere.
So, ask yourself where your itchy feet come from, in absence of a practical reason to move, like a fantastic job offer. If it comes from boredom, frustration, loneliness, insatisfacton with yourself and where you are at in life, what's nagging you is inside you, fix the inside before you fix the outside- changing location won't heal you , and won't help you much , after the first enthusiasm, you will have the same problems , should you even live in the most beautiful place . Same as if you are unhappy, wearing a new dress won't make you happy ( well, maybe for the first half an hour ) : You'll be an unhappy woman with a new dress on.
WHY exactly are you miserable, what is it that you can't stand in the town you live ? Think about it, maybe it's things you can change without moving ( a boring routine, a social circle you are tired of... ) .
P.S. : As someone who always hated drivng, hated with a vengeance, - I get your husband totally :). A good subway system is a blessing worth all the tea of China !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): Your issues will follow you wherever you'll go, so first I would logically lay out the reasons why you want to move, and he should lay out his for staying. Efficient transport system is an insignificant reason to move/stay in one place, as it is feeling weary of someplace. I really dislike my city, the heat, transport system but I also have to consider other things like family proximity, job, property, friends, all of which I can't just drop and move across the country let alone expect my significant other to drop all of his life to follow me in an impulse.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 August 2014):
 I understand how you feel, and I really can see your husband's side in all of this as well.
Do you have kids?? I grew up moving across country several times growing up, and I can tell you that it's very difficult for children to deal with the upheaval in their lives. I was robbed of relationships with my extended family because of the constant moving (my father was often relocated), and family and friend connections that you and your husband have taken years to build would not be there if you did this, and these things are often the most taken for granted.
The question is - WHY do you want to move? Are there opportunities in other places, or a job offer, or a special school, or something that gives a reason for moving? Moving across country for no reason other than the itch and feeling bored is extremely expensive both financially and emotionally. You may want to see if travel scratches that itch before changing your life with no goal other than boredom in mind.
He would have to change jobs/careers and so would you. In this climate, is that the smartest thing to do? And, if your wanting to move across country is a symptom of a larger issue for you, you need to figure out what that is, whether it's a general restlessness over the state of your life or possible depression over dreams you didn't go for.
Moving for moving's sake will not cure your miserable state. Your problems would be as clear across country as they are where you are now. If you're a city like Chicago or NYC who uses the subway for primary transportation, that's actually really fortunate. I'd personally give my right arm to live in NYC...the subway system is truly a modern wonder of the world, and having been to Chicago countless times on business, I could move there in a heartbeat as well.
I have been almost every state in the US. I love to travel. That's one thing that moving a lot as a kid has given me. But practicality is another thing. Go to California and the cost of living is off-the-scale as well as the crime rate. Go to the Midwest or the south like Texas, and there are many issues there that you're fortunate not to deal with.
Are your fights only about moving, or are they about something else?? Because moving for moving's sake isn't going to tip an argument in your favor. Moving happens because the opportunity there outweighs the massive cost that will weigh on you, your marriage, everything. If you live in a place like NYC, the career exposure alone is far greater than in other places in the country.
If you want to divorce, I have a feeling your "buyer's remorse" will be more than you can bear, because the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. If you're wanting to move, better have a reason for doing so, and reasons aren't emotional restlessness alone. That's like going to a casino and betting $50,000 because you felt like it. A reason is a bonafide in-writing job offer, or a family connection, or a notable school opportunity like Juilliard or Yale.
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