A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys. Last night my best friend (of like 8 years) tried to kiss my fiance (of 10 years). We were all out drinking, but I had left early because i was feeling gross. I had no trust issues leaving them.They didn't know i was there, as i had came to give them a lift home as a surprise - they had an hour wait for a taxi and i live 10 mins away so i figured i'd get out of bed, pop a coffee and go get them. I was a few feet away when it happened kind of round the corner in the car but close enough to see/half hear them.As most of these stories start, they were both smashed. It was 6am and they had been drinking for about 12 hours. Long story short, he went to kiss her a couple of times, she said no and turned her head away and then he started apologising. He began crying and saying how sorry he was and how he shouldn't have done it. I left and drove around the block to cool off - i didn't want to go in and kick off and have a huge scene in public. 5 minutes later i returned and picked them up as if i was just arriving. They never saw me. 100%.When we got home, I waited until my girlfriend was asleep and went to speak to my friend. I asked him what happened and why it happened and he denied it at first - i was proud of how she handled it and didn't want to make her uncomfortable. So i spoke to my friend and when i said what i'd seen he came clean and said that he didn't really remember doing it, but then me saying it had reminded him. in all honesty, ive never seen anyone so remorseful about anything .HE was very apologetic and told me how ashamed of himself he was etc. He assured me it was just because he was drunk and he's not out to steal my girlfriend etc and assured me that my GF never did anything wrong. he was staying with us (he lives abroad) and he tried to leave the house straight away saying he was ashamed of himself and that he couldn't look me in the eye etc. When my friend is drunk he's terrible with girls. he'll kiss anyone, sleep with anyone at all. he really has no standards. Do i just put this down to another one of his stupid drunken errors? he's never tried anything like this before.I decided to speak to my girlfriend in the morning and she denied it, until i told her id seen the whole thing and knew, and she said 'nothing happened so there was nothing to tell. I was a bit annoyed at her for lying to me about it, but then she said that she just didn't want to make it uncomfortable between us all and was and she wasn't going to ruin our friendship over something that she stopped being a big deal - im on board with this to be honest. i think id do the same in her spot.NOt sure what to do. I'm think im capable of letting it go as a blip as a one off - it shouldn't have happened, but i rekon our friendship is bigger than a drunken decision. I wouldn't forgive it again though,What do people think i should do/?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the replies guys. Re the questions:
I hadn't been drinking, i was tired and ill, that's why i came home 'early'. We don't drink very often. Neither does my girlfriend. the 12 hours session was mostly just a chilled one grabbing a meal and drinking slowly. They weren't knocking shots back or anything. My friend drinks way more often - we've spoke to him about how unhealthy it is.
Re qualified forgivness - this is pretty much what i said to him, i just didn't realise that there was a term for it. It's what i figured was the most mature way to deal with it. and my GF's justification for handling it was pretty much this word for word what Auntie Suzie said (you nailed it!).
Re not being married. It's just a cost thing. we've been engaged for about 3 years now. when we got engaged it was with intent to marry, but we ended up buying a house that needed a lot of work, so we both decided we'll focus on the house for now and get married when all the major stuff is done.
Relationship wise, we're happier than we've ever been, which is probably why i was able to handle it with such maturity and also why i had no concerns leaaving the two of them together - i trusted both of them and i would trust my friend if he wasn't drinking. My girlfriend is very attractive, so she's used to guys hitting on her, I think she handled it perfectly.
I'm glad lots of people agree with my approach. thanks as ever :)
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 April 2018):
 I agree with YouWish. Qualified forgiveness is the way forward with your friend. Tell him you forgive this ONCE but, if he ever pulls a stunt like that again, you two are finished and he is out of your house. Tell him you hope he values your friendship as much as you value his and that he will not try something like that again. It may also be a good opportunity to talk about his heavy drinking, which leads him to take huge risks with his health (the women he picks up could pass on ANYTHING to him).
Your fiancee handled the situation admirably, I thought. She stopped your friend from doing anything and didn't want to cause trouble between you. His behaviour is not her fault. I would perhaps tell her that, if this ever happens again, you would rather she is honest with you, then let it go. I would also be taking this opportunity to tell her that a 12 hour drinking binge is not good for ANYONE's health.
On a separate note, and none of my business so you don't have to answer, but I do have to wonder why your fiancee has been your fiancee for 10 years. Engagement is a promise to marry. Do you still intend marrying her? Or have you just put an engagement ring on her finger to put her on hold while you check out if anyone "better" comes along? Perhaps something to think about?
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (28 April 2018):
 Your friends behaviour is not out of character, so you shouldn't be surprised. I'd forgive him, but let him know that he really needs to grow up and ease up on the alcohol, as he can't handle it. And that he risks loosing your friendship. Your fiancé has handled the situation with maturity, and I too would have not bothered telling you what happened - the matter had been dealt with as far as she was concerned. You behaved maturlly when you drove on till you calmed down. Now, if you can let go and move on, your relationships will be that much stronger.
Take care xx
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 April 2018):
 I would be more concerned about the fact that your girlfriend was drinking for 12 hours. I don't touch alcohol and never have but my God this sounds like a problem! Today it was this guy, tomorrow of could be someone else who tries to take advantage of her when she's "smashed".
If you know that your friend is terrible when drunk then why did you leave him alone with your girlfriend? Why did she not go back home with you?
What should you do? Maybe stop drinking till you're hammered and conduct yourselves with dignity?
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (28 April 2018):
 In my opinion, the best course of action is QUALIFIED forgiveness. This means that in the future, he shouldn't be hanging out alone with her after drinking like that. If he truly is remorseful, he'll be absolutely beyond okay with that.
I don't go for lying in a relationship, but understand that she probably lied to preserve your friendship with him, not to preserve her relationship with you. She did nothing wrong, so therefore telling the truth wouldn't have hurt her, but you and your friend. She was protecting you both.
Should she have? I don't know. That's a conversation to have with her, that if he tries it again, she tells you immediately.
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