A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing a guy for about a month now and we started to talk about the future and what the relationship is and he tells me that last summer he was accused of raping his ex.At the time he was telling me with I had just had consensual sex with him and despite feeling pretty terrified of what he'd just told me I asked him what happened.He told me that she'd stayed the night at his, then in the morning had reported it to the police and in the next couple months he'd been to court and was eventually found not guilty.When I asked him why he thought she'd done it he said he didn't know.Now I know he wasn't found guilty and he's always been very careful with me, but something about this whole situation doesn't sit well with me especially since when I was 16 I slept with my boyfriend and then he tried to perform oral sex on me but I said no and pushed him away but he held me down and did it anyway. The thing is he never said he didn't do it but is this whole situation a reason to end the relationship which has been otherwise good? Is it fair when he's been honest with me when he didnt have to be? Is my personal experiences tainting my impression of the situation? I am honestly not sure whether to end it or not
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2018): To me the disturbing thing about your post is that "he never said he didn't do it." ???? Was that just implied? Wouldn't he want to vehemently say he didn't do it, she made it up? It's also very very strange that, should it be a false accusation, that he'd have no theories about what drove her to make the claim, put herself through legal proceedings, intimate interviews or exams, and get involved in something disturbing like this to begin with. She's not a stranger -- he knows her. You'd think he'd have some ideas of why, if it was a false claim, she put him through months of court proceedings.
I also hope he wasn't trying to skate by the truth of whether he did it or not by simply saying, "I was found not guilty." When crimes are performed behind closed doors, Id say many people are found not guilty because of lack of suitable evidence, not because it didn't really happen.
You're very young and if he is too, then I'm not sure a background check will help you much or mean much. He might not have lived long enough to perform the bad things that he's going to do, if he's a bad apple. Do you know what I mean? Someone who commits crimes in his mid 20s and 30s is going to have a horrible background check when he's 40 but a completely clean one when he's 22. The clean background check doesn't show us what's to come.
I think you need to talk a lot more about this incident with your boyfriend and trust your gut completely when judging his response. It's perfectly fine to bring it up, maybe not just once but several times, even though this is a negative topic. It's about your safety, your heart, your life. You didn't bring this into his life; he brought it into yours and you have to have all the information you need to make a good decision about it.
You also don't owe this guy anything. You've only gone out for a month. If this just doesn't sit well with you, move on.
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (28 April 2018):
 This is a tricky one.
Of course I understand you’re freaked out. There’s a few things that don’t sit right with me here:
1. Obviously it’s a scary situation to be involved with an accused rapist. Almost people would tell you to run a mile. But if it’s not true it’s potentially ruining his life as every girl will have the same reaction as you have.
2. That he waited until after sex to tell you, which clearly indicates that he knew you wouldn’t sleep with him if he told you before. That’s very, very sly on his part.
But to be honest when is a good time to bring this story up? Whether it’s early or late on it’s an absolute bombshell. You need to judge this one for yourself, how has he treated you? Do your friends know him? What have you heard about him? What info can you dig up on him? You need to look into this further and make your choice.
This is a peculiar situation to be in.
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A
male
reader, TylerSage  +, writes (28 April 2018):
 In all honesty, when exactly does an accused rapist bring up a story like this to his new girlfriend?
This guy had the to choice to either tell you or not to tell you. I think the average man would NOT bring it up. Deny it if they could. But he told you and relatively early in the relationship.
Think of it this way, if a student randomly decided to accuse a teacher they hated of rape, it wouldn't matter if the teacher did it or not, it wouldn't even matter if the teacher never noticed her until today, it wouldn't matter if the teacher was a flaming homosexual. HIS REPUTATION WOULD BE RUINED. No one would allow him to step foot near a school again much less a playground.
I give him points for telling you without asking, and telling you early in the relationship.
However, if you do have a a gut feeling that something is off I advice you follow it. Doing a background check wouldn't hurt as advised by the others.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 April 2018):
 The fact that he told you AFTER you had sex, gives me the willies.
And where is why, if he had told you BEFORE having sex, you might have NOT wanted sex (at that moment, but wanted to think it over - even ask the question here) So it WAS a calculated move on his part. NOT good.
False rape allegations are rare – rape is not.
Does it mean she didn't falsely accuse him? no.
This might be one of the 4% if false allegation.
"The rates for false allegations are no higher than those reported in other categories of crime, yet the victims of other crimes (such as theft or burglary) are not so routinely treated with suspicion as are the victims of sexual violence".
I FULLY agree with Fatherly Advice - DO spend that $20 on a background check on him.
Some rape cases are dismissed because of lack of evidence, not because the lack of GUILT.
This will ALWAYS hang over the two of you.
I absolutely get how you feel about this. It wouldn't sit right with me either. Especially because he told you about it AFTER sex.
Now while he MIGHT have been innocent, this will continue to nag at you, and yes it HAS tainted the budding relationship.
You have ONLY been seeing him for a month so ending it shouldn't be "too hard".
As a mom of daughters... I would tell you to end it. But if you aren't sure, DO the background check and see what pops up and go from there. But DO slow down and keep SEX out of the picture until you feel comfortable with him AND his past. And if you can't do that... Don't date him.
It's NOT your job to forgive him or not for something he may or may not have done in the past, it is YOUR job to decide if he is a suitable partner for you or not.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (27 April 2018):
 He told you because you could and should be doing a background check.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2018): Several important points...#1 his timing is creepy. Why on earth would he bring that up when you are at your most vulnerable! Red flag.#2 most rapes never lead to conviction due to the lack of witnesses.#3 for an allegation of sexual assault to make it to court indicates that the justice system had strong faith in the case.#4 false rape allegations are extremely rare and the likelihood of a false allegation making it to trial is ridiculously unlikely.#5 his previous history of being charged with rape means your risk of being raped by this person has skyrocketed.Please please please get away from him. You have every right to protect yourself and not be judged by him or anyone else for doing so. If you have any doubts, talk to officers in the police sexual crimes unit. They (probably) won't be able to provide details in relation to his case but they may be able to give you advice. Would you tell your mum or daughter that hthey should take the risk of staying with him? Your safety is just as important. Take care x
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