A
female
age
51-59,
*teen
writes:Hi New Friends!Im desperate for advice...Its a sticky situation with a lot of history, and if you need more info from me before responding, feel free to ask.I have been best friends/lovers with a man on and off for about 17 years. He is the greatest in many ways, esp. with my two little girls who are 5 and 10. He is perpetually independent and insists on never having a true girlfriend because he feels it would make him 1/2 a person and he'd rather be a whole. We have been at odds about his committment issues for years. I want him to be monagamous but he wont, and we had recently agreed he would tell me if hes with someone else. He seems to only be with me, but because I often feel I am in the dark. I check his phone and he has been talking to a girl he used to be with. I am divorced and have been with him exclusively for about 3 years since I left my husband. Anyhoo, we have been basically sharing my apt. for the most part of this year. even though he has his own house, he prefers to be here. We just got back from vacation and we plan to move out of state together. We would be sharing a house. So today he says I should move there first, set up a house, then he will join me after he sells his house. This could take months, which I dread, so I said I would keep the girls here and start school and wait till hes ready to go. This caused a HUGE fight and he said I am too codependent and he dosent want to live with me because of this (even tho he basically does now) and Im sucking the life out of him, he gets nothing done because hes with me all the time( his choice), and when Im crying because of this nasty stuff hes saying, I become "unattractive" and "a basket case". So he leaves, wont accept my calls at all. Later this same day he says this girl he used to "date" called and said I threatened her to leave him alone. He will not listen to my defense and is taking her word over mine! Now we are not speaking until I own up to this and face my issues he says....I am broken hearted because we are supposed to move in a month and he is my best friend and I am completely in love with him and have been for years! I dont want to lose him! Please help! Thank you for your time!
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female
reader, Steen +, writes (27 July 2007):
Steen is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi! Thank you so much for the answer...It is SOOOO hard because I have been with him and only him for 3 years and before that my ex hub who also had a cheating prob. We ended up discussing it tonight, I admitted to calling the girl, and I told him that if he could just be honest and not lie to me about what hes doing that I would not be jealous to the ppoint of insanity. He just thinks that the friendship is more important, so we will remain platonic ( I guess) and thats fine for now because I need him as a friend more than anything. Its just so hard to feel like I have found the perfect man for me and cant have him. And I have so many issues trusting so I dont date. I wouldnt even know how to start dating! Thats a whole other world I have yet to explore.
Thank you again for taking the time to answer. I dont have many friends I can talk to, and its nice to know that there are people in the world who care. Have a great night!
A
male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (26 July 2007):
 He's playing you. I know someone like him. He has control issues, is very proud, and has been hurt beyond repair. He decided that he would never be hurt again. He cannot love in the true sense, nor be committed to one woman. This is his lifestyle. You choice is very simple. Live with part of him or none of him. You will never have all of him. I suggest breaking away from him and dating (not sleeping) with other men to get your heart right and see that there are men in the world that can commit. He's going to be hard to compare other men to, you can't so don't, unless you're lucky enough to find one like him that is the same personality and will commit. You know the kind of "real man" you're looking for, now just go find one that can commit. Live life and love. Life's too short to be unhappy.
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