A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We have been together for 5 years and have a 3 year old son. I have other children outside our relationship. She had a rough past, eg loosing parents etc. I have my past but when I saw her I decided to stop everything and focus on her and that is what I did. My major issues is that she is too sensitive and we just don't understand each other. I have supported her in everything she was going through and also for her studies and she is graduating this year but the arguing is getting worse. When we are together there is always something we argue about like her not liking my 12 year period friend and she would just explode into an argument and always says she was angry thereafter and she apologizes. She really makes me angry when she starts and when i tell her how i feel, she adds things like i am blaming her because she doesn't have parents or people to stand up for her. The main issues are that she doesn't like my old time friend because she says he likes women and expects me to stop being friends with him. The other issues are around unfounded trust issues. I end up being under pressure for something that doesn't exist and having to explain minor things like being a little late from work etc, otherwise I know she will keep it to herself and when we argue, she would mention it. Sometimes we argue about my other children and she once said my son is disrespectful and the female Counselor told her(my fiance) that she is wrong, kids at that age will always behave in a similar pattern, irrespective of who the parent is and furthermore my son likes her according to my observation. I am a successful person and one thing the Counselor said was that it has something to do with low self esteem on her part. She also admitted but she continuously pisses me off by doing the same thing all over again and she cries and apologizes. I don't cheat on her but she always thinks something is wrong. I love this woman but she is also hurting me emotionally and we have already seen 2 different counselor, one of whom she said is biased with me, and that was a female counselor. I really want to make it work but is this issue solvable or it's one of those where I have to end things forever?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2013): You should break up with her. She sounds like she has a lot of issues that she does not want to take responsibility for. It sounds like she is not ready to be in a relationship since shes so insecure and her default is to blame and accuse rather than controlling herself. a relationship with someone like this can only be described as a nightmare. If you insist on staying stuck with her like this its only a matter of time before you start emotionally checking out in order to keep your sanity. When people have checked out long ago that's when they are ripe to fall in love with someone new who comes along but the problem is that you're technically still bound to your previous partner so you will be in a moral conundrum. Don't wait for this to happen. Get out now before you lose all your sanity or all your ability to feel anything.
A
male
reader, Davedata +, writes (1 September 2013):
I am thanking everyone that has responded, I am the asker of this question but registered later on the forum. This is really getting into my heart but I have to accept some hard facts first. And even more importantly, as WiseOwlE has mentioned, it is this urge within me that is wanting to settle down once and for all but unfortunately this situation is not allowing it. The fact is, 5years is long enough to be able to extrapolate on what the future will look like if i continue with this person.
The most difficult issue now is to let go and start over again as I was not prepared to do that anymore. I had told myself that I am done with looking for someone else but then it looks like I have to be in terms with reality of starting over again as this relationship is draining me emotionally.
Yes I am hurting about the whole thing, my son, my plans, my invested time in this relationship, my sacrifices etc but its better to let go than stay in an emotional turmoil for the rest of my life.
Hard one...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2013): If your relationship has lasted five years, it is probably lasting only due to some emotional co-dependency; and your closeness for the sake of your son. You feel she needs you; and guilt forces you to remain at her side, in spite of all the incompatibility issues.
You also need the comfort of a commitment, and no longer want to endure the single life. You've looked back on your past, and you want to fix it. You're trying to avoid past mistakes. Be responsible, and not run from your problems.
Is it working?
You're enduring hell. Why?
It is time to come to the conclusion that you are both incompatible.
You can get all the counseling you want; if it isn't meant to be be, it will never work. A miserable engagement is a forewarning. You can't work things out, no matter how hard you try. She is terrified of the future, and can't deal with the past. She has insecurities that even years of therapy will not undo; if she doesn't chose to let go of them.
People often forget that counseling is only effective if the client-patient is open and receptive. Otherwise; you're just paying for an hour to argue with your partner with a hired referee. She even accused the therapist of being partial.
Seriously!?
Prepare to take care of your son both emotionally and financially, away from her. This woman is a neurotic mess, and she is coming apart. She will never hold up under the stress of marriage; because she has already caved in. She wants to control who your friends are, and needs constant reassurance that you aren't cheating. That will never end.
She's a basket-case. I'm sure there is another side to this story. However; it can only be judged by how you express your feelings and the experiences described in your post.
How do you expect a marriage to survive these conditions?
You are a mature, intelligent, successful man. You no doubt have the common-sense to see the facts. It doesn't take $70 to $150 an hour, to determine your relationship is on the rocks. That you and your partner are incompatible. What has the investment yielded you thus far?
Do what you feel is in the best interest of your son? Does he deserve to see constant battles between you two? Should your other children be subjected to her emotional issues?
Seeing his mother's pain and distress on a daily basis; will start to affect his behavior. Toddlers are little sponges, and they pick up on the tension between you. They hear the arguments and absorb the anxiety. Their little minds are developing, and quite complex by the age of three.
She is slowly unraveling under pressure; and when you're not there, he's alone with her. She won't do him harm; but her mental state affects him, because they are so close.
She may be having some post natal depression; which may be compounding her emotional issues, and making it difficult to cope. Some women start new birth control prescriptions that make them crazy; until they adapt to it, or stop using it. They're often mistaken to have mental issues. Check into it. However; after five years, you know her behavior pretty well.
Even if you don't make the move to change the dynamic of your relationship, it may break under shear wear and tear.
I hope you won't be married if it happens.
I hope for a good outcome; but her issues needed to be seriously addressed, before she entered a relationship.
Will you be able to hold up under it indefinitely, is the question? Marriage is meant for life.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (31 August 2013):
Well, it depends on how long you were in counseling. It takes more than a few sessions I would think. If you did it for awhile and nothing changed, then, in my opinion, it's time to take a break from your fiance. You don't need to break up but maybe move out while you work on things.
Or, just break up with her. Otherwise you'll likely have a miserable marriage.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (31 August 2013):
 She seems to be going through life reacting to one crisis after another, as if to cry out for a parent that was never there. For you it is the past but for her she is still reliving pain every single day. You should not treat it as arguments that other normal couples are having, but rather, she has issues she has never dealt with. Although I would say that in many married couples, arguments stem from unresolved childhood issues. She is mistaking arguments as you caring for her, that as long as there are arguments the relationship is still alive. She knows that how it affects you but she is used to this bad habit that's hard to get out of.
Have you tried leaving the room before you feel an argument is coming? Not storming out, slamming the door. But rather tell her you would rather calm down first then talk about it later in a rational manner.
When she complains about life and looking for things that are threats to her well being, she needs to learn that those are her issues. The only thing you can do is acknowledge the fear she has, just listen, and not to say she is right or wrong for having those fears.
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