A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've been best friends with a guy for the past 6 years. We don't see each other very often anymore because we're in college, but whenever we're home we make a point to meet up, and we visit each others' colleges occasionally. Our friendship has always been 100% platonic, and in fact, I dated his best friend for most of HS. It's always felt a lot like having a brother, and he feels the same way. I have a boyfriend of two years, and he has a girlfriend of several months. I have met the girlfriend and we got along really well, and she knows about our friendship and the nature of it and she knows I have a long term boyfriend.Anyways, recently I got home for winter break and went to text my friend and he simply didn't respond. He hasn't responded, and I've made a point of reaching out to him over text and FB and asked if he was ignoring me/why.The only thing I can think of is the following. I visited him at college in October, but his girlfriend, who is currently abroad, was very upset about it, even though my boyfriend (of two years) came with me to my friend's college to visit. After that it seemed like everything was fine though, and we talked up until a couple weeks ago. I made a FB album with pictures from my year recently, and one of them was me and my friend smiling (literally just a normal picture of two friends), and he told me that she was pissed about it when I put it up a couple weeks ago. So, per his request, I took down the pic (even though obviously I thought it was ridiculous). He hasn't spoken to me for the past couple of weeks though, and is pointedly ignoring my texts/messages. The only thing I can possibly think of is that his girlfriend said he has to ignore me/stop talking to me. I'm really hurt that he would just throw away 6 years of friendship, and pissed that he doesn't even have the courtesy to tell me what's going on. But ultimately, the problem is that his girlfriend made him pick between her and me...What should I do?
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (2 January 2016):
The varied response to this post illustrates the different views out there. Many people simply do not believe it's possible for a heterosexual male and female to be strictly platonic friends. His girlfriend is probably one of them.
I have a male friend I've known for more than 10 years. Whenever he has a girlfriend, we barely see each other because she's uncomfortable with it. He also tends to "go dark" during this time and he usually pops up again when the relationship has run its course, when he has issues (what's easier than asking another woman for relationship advice eh) or probably when he gets married. None of his girlfriends, even the ones that said they did, were comfortable with me being a close friend of his. And I've accepted that for what it is. I have other friends that I can meet up with regularly. This means our friendship may completely waste away at some point, or it may not. In any case I've made my peace with it.
Don't forget, women are raised to view each other as competition. We're also champions at tearing each other down to make ourselves feel better. (Just look at the hate celebrities' girlfriends get from his fans). Your friend's girlfriend got on well with you, and that probably scared her, because she can actually see qualities in you that would be desirable for her boyfriend. Combine that with your boyfriend maybe talking favorably about you to her and she will probably feel out of her depth. Don't forget, you've known him for 6 years. How can she compete with that? By cutting you out, that's how. And making sure he ignores you so you can't talk sense into him.
Accept the situation for what it is, even if it's sad. I wouldn't unfriend from Facebook or delete his number though. Seems a bit excessive, but that's just me. I'd send him one last message that reads something like "You might never read this, but I just wanted to say I value our friendship and even though I don't know why, I will respect your choice to have no contact. Regards, [your name]." And then do exactly that. Block his feed, view it as a loss and move on.
He may contact you again. He may not. Don't wait for it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2016): To be honest it could be just that he doesn't feel the need for another female companion because he has a friend and lover in her all in one. Mabye one female friend is enough for him
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2016): I'm in two minds about this as I have a close male friend and we used to go and see each other, we've been shopping together, we've gone hiking together when both of us had partners. I know for sure it's platonic and I'm not interested in him romantically.But I started seeing one particular boyfriend and he didn't like it. Although I would tell him all about going to see this friend he didn't like it. But he also had a close female friend, well a few actually and I hate to say it I had a little bit of jealousy creeping in about it.In my experience it all works well when we all see each other and our partners are both there. But it doesn't when one of our partners isn't.Can you honestly say you would be ok with your boyfriend seeing a female friend on his own? If you are then that's really cool! But unfortunately a lot of people are insecure and no matter how hard they try to be the cool accepting girlfriend/boyfriend they will always feel a bit put out about it.If you are great friends then you will always remain that way. If she's giving him grief about contacting women then I'm not sure if the relationship will last.You never know he could have done something that hurt her and you don't know about it. Maybe he was being inappropriate with another girl? So she feels particularly jealous at the moment, you never know.Don't be hurt and upset by it, he's not doing it to hurt you he's just trying to keep the peace with his girlfriend.Don't be in the mindset that he's betrayed you just leave him alone for a while and he will always be your friend. You don't want to lose that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2015): I have to agree that maybe the guy made the right decision. Here's whyYou guys are maybe too 'close' of friends. Maybe too much texting and Facebook messaging and the girlfriend is getting the wrong idea. I mean if you and him are both in a relationship, then why are you spending so much time communicating? You should be spending most of your energy on your partner. She *maybe* sees you as a threat. Why are yo so fixated on the 'we are such good friends of many years and I'm upset that he would throw our relationship down the drain' but what about how the girlfriend feels? I personally wouldn't really enjoy the idea of my boyfriend having such a close female friend. Now I wouldn't ever demand him to end the friendship with you, but I would talk with him about it and maybe ask to compromise a bit and cut the contact to a minimum. The guy seems like he is a very loyal boyfriend by respecting the girlfriends wishes, that is if this is even the case here. You guys don't see each other much anyways, are moving on in life with your relationships, friendships are bound to run its course at some point. I'm sure you'll find other friends.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 December 2015):
 I'd leave it be. It's NOT worth all the drama that WILL ensue if you keep trying. You can bring a horse to water... you can't make it drink. And if HE has chosen to cut you out (choosing her over you) then that is HIS choice.
He SHOULD (no doubt about it), have had the BALLS to tell you that his GF can't handle him having a female friend - aka you, in his life and thus he has chosen to cut further contact and friendship. BUT he didn't.
What I'd do is let him know that you don't understand why he can no longer be friends and talk, but that you are taking his silence as him wanting nothing further to do with you and your friendship, and that even if it makes you sad that he wants to throw away 6 years of decent friendship, that you respect that and from now on will no longer text, call or be "facebook friends".
Do not mention that you think SHE is behind it. Do not reach out to her. Even if she IS the reason, she is obviously also so petty and insecure that she can't handle her BF having a female friend. And THAT... you can't change.
And then you unfriend him (and her) and block them both from access to your FB.
I wouldn't block his phone number, but I would delete it.
And then I would let it go. Sometimes people choose to placate a partners insecurities, sometimes there is a genuine reason for cutting friendships. Unfortunately, there isn't anything you can do., other than be GLAD your own BF didn't have a problem with it.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (31 December 2015):
That sucks. Some people are insecure and not comfortable with their spouse having opposite sex friends. Sadly, there isn't much you can do about it. It sounds like you've been doing the right things- including her and reaching out to her. It just isn't having the desired effect.
How long is she going to be abroad? Is there any way you can reach out to her when she comes back? Maybe you can have lunch with her or something, or at least try.
Honestly, I'm wondering if in the course of questioning him about you and the nature of your friendship, she may have gotten him to cough up some sort of confession? Something along the lines of yes, he does think you're pretty, or yes, he had a crush on you at some point in your friendship. That would probably be enough for her to stomp her foot down and demand he cut contact. Don't rule out the idea that he may have had some interest in you that he never told you about. Guys who have been "friend zoned" usually won't ever reveal their feelings to you, but may tell other people about it.
If this is the case, you may be out of luck and out a friend until/unless he breaks up with her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2015): I'm willing to bet that she did make him pick over the two of you, and since he probably loves her and didn't want to lose her, he picked her over you. If he really did pick her over you, then maybe you two weren't the best of friends after all.
Most likely the girl was jelouse of how close you too seemed, and felt threatened that you would take him away from her. You already tried everything to contact your friend. It's in his hands now to do the right thing.
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A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (31 December 2015):
 Hi
Talking from experience here
To you its just an innocent friendship
To his girlfriend you are an agent of social chaos.
It takes a mature and self confident person to embrace your relationship with this guy.
Perhaps he talks about you a lot or in glowing terms. I can see why his girlfriend might feel jealous or insecure.
I'm sure this will happen again between you and your male friend.
It's just what happens, and the best thing you can do is accept it and bow out gracefully till he gets in touch with you.
It's a shame I know X
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2015): Wouldn't you do the same thing if you were in her shoes?
She sees you as a threat.
And she IS right.
What she did is right.
The fact he is ignoring you is the right thing to do.
It clearly shows he LOVES his girlfriend. And does NOT want to lose her.
Leave him alone and go focus on your own boyfriend.
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