A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Okay so before I start, I'm fully aware that I'm a terrible person for the things that I've done. I didn't come here to be judged, I just need advice. I am 6 1/2 months pregnant. In the past, when my boyfriend and I would break up or get into a really bad fight, I'd get hammered on many things and occasionally cheat. I know it's horrible. I feel awful every single day, but he would put his hands on me and I would get mad and I just wanted to hurt him like he hurt me. Which, I know, also makes me incredibly stupid for going back each time. Anyways, to get to the point, I cannot recall ANYTHING from the week I got pregnant. I was at a pretty low point in my life and I drank a lot and abused my Xanax. I often blacked out and I honestly can't think of any single specific day of that week. But as I said before, I have a history of cheating when blacking out and getting upset. I don't actually remember sleeping with anyone else that week but I'm scared to death of the possibility that I could have slept with someone else and my daughter will have to grow up without a father, because if she isn't my boyfriends, I'd literally have no idea whose she is, because I simply can't remember anything. It's all I think about 24/7. It kills me all day and night because I can't think of anything else which makes me wonder if it's because my subconscious remembers something I don't.. I know this might sound crazy to a lot of people but I'm going insane here. Please help. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2016): Physical abuse is wrong. Just because you deal with it badly (not leaving him) that does not make it okay for him to keep doing it. Think about how you felt the very first time he hit you. That is how wrong it is every time.
Paternity fraud is also wrong. He may not deal with the news very well when he finds out that you did him wrong. But that does not give you the right to keep doing him wrong behind his back. You can tell him the truth from far away over the phone if that is what it takes to stay safe.
If it becomes impossible to deal with your boyfriend because he turns out not to be the father, then you can stop dealing with him and leave him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of your answers. I was prescribed Xanax because I have anxiety/ocd. The ocd just means I have constant, intrusive, negative thoughts. I'm just a worry wart. I stopped the Xanax as soon as I found out I was pregnant, which was pretty easy and I have also not drank since then as well. I'm happy to tell you that my baby is perfectly healthy, thank the Lord! Getting pregnant truly changed the person that I am and I'll forever be grateful for my baby, as I've said before I was at a pretty low point in my life. My boyfriend has straightened up too and doesn't put his hands on me anymore. He too has became a better person and is really excited about this baby. That's why I'm so worried. It would kill him. And regardless of the things he has done to me in the past, I couldn't imagine hurting him like that. I feel so awful. But I'm hoping she is his. I cheated on him about a month before I got pregnant and that is the last time I actually remember cheating. But the fact that my abusing my Xanax only got progressively worse over that time, and so did my drinking, I'm just afraid I did it again and don't remember. Like I said, I know it sounds pretty stupid. Some of you said you don't understand why I don't remember if anything happened or not but if you've ever taken Xanax, then you know it has memory loss as a major side affect, especially taken with alcohol. But since I'm not taking them anymore, I am hoping these concerns are results from my anxiety and ocd. Thanks again for your input. I'm just praying everything will turn out okay..
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (1 January 2016):
Whats most important is you dont move to NY if you dont live there already. Taxes here are high enough ...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2016): We all make mistakes and I for one don't judge you for this so please please don't sit there getting upset and thinking you are a terrible person.If your boyfriend loved you he wouldn't be putting his hands on you. If the fact that you cheated ever came out one day I worry what he might do to you.Please leave him because he will hurt you again and you don't want that around your child. Easier said than done, but you need to walk away from an abusive person.If you are taking Xamax you shouldn't be drinking or getting hammered on all kinds of things. If you are taking this medication I gather you have depression so perhaps you need to go to counselling to help you. Go to the doctors and tell them the Xanax isn't working. If it were, you wouldn't be getting in a state and abusing other things too. The doctor needs to try and make you better not just push pills on you when obviously you are still feeling down.I would be worried about your health at the moment. If you are having a baby make sure what you took hasn't harmed them. It's honestly better to be a single parent than with an abusive partner so agree to separate and you WILL be fine on your own.Don't worry about the babies father until the baby is born. Try and get better and go to the doctors so you can be in a very good frame of mind to be strong enough to sort out a paternity test.I wish you all the best. EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the whole world has made mistakes when they feel down. You aren't a horrible person.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 December 2015):
 My guess is you worry because you HAVE cheated in the past on him. I just find it hard to imagine that you really don't know if you had unprotected sex with someone else or not.
I hope you are seeing a OB/GYN and that they know of your alcohol/drug usages around the time of the conception. I think it's FAR more important that you make sure you carry and deliver a healthy baby than worry about who might be the daddy.
He sounds like a rather abusive fella and not really someone to raise a child, so for now FOCUS on the baby. And what you PLAN to do once the baby is here. Do you have a support net? Family, friends? Can you AFFORD to be a single mom?
At 6 months, you really only have two options to look at for the future, 1 is having and raising the baby, the other is to adopt it out.
The baby needs to be your primary focus. And if... it turns out the baby isn't his... well, it's still going to be born and NEED for you to decide what to do. So focus on the bigger picture.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2015): I am NOT going to judge you for what happened. my main worry right now is about you and of course the baby. since you found out about the pregnancy, have you been clean and sober? If not, are you involved in alcoholics Anonymous or similar and have you told the people at the Pregnancy Center? The first thing is your physical health and well-being. are you staying away from this man who is hit you or are you working with a counselor who is helping you to stay away from him and healping to get a restraining order? if you are speaking to this man at all it should only be so he can pay child support and maybe visit supervised.the next thing is your mental emotional well being, this can be helped with therapy and again possibly Alcoholics Anonymous if that is what you need. I am an alcoholic myself and I am very familiar with blackouts. shame on those men for having sex with you while you were blacked out, that is considered rape and sexual assault!first, get a protection order against this man and have somebody else, lawyer tell you about how to inform him through mail to get a paternity test done. if he is not the father then you can write him off completely. I don't know if it is necessary to find out who the father is. yes, he has rights, but why would you want a man who is probably using drugs or alcohol and having sex with a woman under the influence in your child's life?spiritually, you have also been beaten up and broken. if you do not find a place of worship that is not closed minded about women in your situation, at least find a support group full of women who has been in your shoes or even a spiritual group of any sort who can be there for you spiritually. the most important thing here, is making sure that you are taken care of so that you can take care of the baby. bless you!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (31 December 2015):
 Your boyfriend is abusive, so you shouldn't go back to him at all. You don't need him in his life besides asking for child support. If you tell him there's a possibility that the baby isn't his, he might hit you again. You need a counsellor for advise. Even if a hypnotherapist can make you go back to your memory and you get a mental picture of the guy, it won't help if you don't know his name.
If it was more than 6 months ago then it's hard to retrace your phone log and call some random guy up after the baby is born but this might be what you have to do. You can go by facial and body features but still that can't be totally accurate. If your boyfriend denies the baby then this gives you a chance to do a paternity test with him.
For the remaining three months all you can do is eat healthy and try to be in a relaxed mood. The stress affects the baby. The first three years is the most crucial for the baby's brain growth. So even without a father the baby can thrive if you can give him/her lots of love. Look for some healthy pregnancy program in the city. You shouldn't have to go through this alone.
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