A
female
age
30-35,
*ucy.whittaker
writes:Hi All,One of my best friends has revealed he has stronger feelings for me than as friends, but I don't feel the same... Can we stay friends? Please read it all, as there are details that change circumstances in what i've written. Thanks!I met him about 2 months ago, and I had just moved into the University Halls having been split up with by my boyfriend of 3 years. Danny lived upstairs from me and one night we all went out and we were talking, he was introducing me to everyone in the building and his friends as I didn't know anyone. Unfortunately at the time I didn't realise that my boyfriend left me because of another girl. I thought that moving in together had been too much of a big step and he couldn't handle it. Someone who knew the other girl, one of my now best friends (Jade), told me that night, thinking I was aware of the fact. I was shattered and furious. I spent the evening calling my ex, drinking a lot and crying on the shoulders of Jade and Danny. They took me back to my place and we sat up drinking together all night. At about 6am Jade left, and Dan and I were left alone. I was so so upset and really quite drunk, he was holding me as I cried. I can't remember how it happened properly, but he ended up kissing me. Nothing more than a kiss. We talked about our lives until about 11am, when Jade came back to look after me with chocolate and a movie (I was in enough of a state for them to take shifts to make sure I didn't do anything stupid)After a few days, when I'd sobered up and started to sort my head out a little, I talked to Danny about the kiss. I said I was really sorry, that I'd been really drunk and it shouldn't have happened. He seemed okay about it.I then went home from Wales to London for a week, and Dan and I were texting each other a lot, but I considered it to be as friends. One night I went out on the town with one of my old school mates and he was texting me and calling me trying to make sure I was safe. It pissed me off to be honest, and i ended up telling him 'I'm fine, leave me alone, Martin will look after me!' and not replying to any more of his messages.Once I came back to Wales, Jade and I had planned a massive night out. So everyone went to the bar, but no one else wanted to go to the club except Jade and I, so we went on our own. Danny had seen us leaving and followed us into the club, saying that he was worried something might happen to us. So when we got there we were on the pull, and we found these two guys and danced etc. with them all night. I ended taking mine home with me, just for a bit of fun. Unfortunately Danny flipped out at me, shouting that I wasn't looking after myself and though he didn't explicitly say it, pretty much calling me a slut. I understand taking random people home with you is a little sluttish, but I was on the rebound, and sleeping with that man made me feel empowered and good about myself. My self esteem has never been the strongest thing in the world, so anything to give it a boost was a good thing.Anyway, he called me the next day asking if he could come down to my flat and talk about the night before. When he got down he was saying how sorry he was for saying stuff and being pissy about it. Things were fine for ages after that.The next weekend we went out for a drink and I mentioned Josh, who I'd just started seeing and am now in a relationship with. He started going a bit funny, and the next day when Josh and I went official he stopped answering my texts. He just sent me one quite long message saying that he was happy for me that I'd found someone nice so soon. I decided not to push it so didn't talk to him for a few days.The next week I was on my way to our usual bar when Danny called me. He was very drunk and upset and asked me to meet him outside. When I got there he was in a state, crying, throwing up and hitting and kicking a postbox. I tried to calm him down without much luck, because he started shouting at me that he was in love with me. I was taken aback, and told him I didn't feel the same. When he started getting a bit nasty I lost my patience and shouted back at him. He then ran off. My friend Luke tried to chase after him but I didn't let him saying that he didn't deserve to be followed. I was upset and had had a few drinks. About an hour later, Paddy the owner of the bar came in shouting for Callum. They had found Danny in someone's basement. It had no stairs and a spiked fence. He had tried to kill himself. I was terrified. Fortunately he was alright, nothing broken or too badly hurt, and they let him out of the hospital after a few hours. Jade had taken me home because I was so worried and upset about causing it. I have since learned that what I said was just a final kick in the teeth at the end of a very bad week for Danny, but I still blame myself for it.My problem is that he was one of my best friends, and I really don't want to lose him as a friend. He has started talking to me again after what happened, and he has no memory of any of it. He'd drunk half a bottle of JD and got himself so smashed he didn't know what had happened. I don't know whether to be friends with him and try and avoid talking about that night and what happened or to confront him about it. I've talked to him about me and Ben and he seems really happy for me, even talking about this other girl he has had his eye on. Could we still be friends after all of this??Sorry it was so long! Any answers would be greatly appreciated!!Lucy xxxx
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best friend, drunk, kissing, moved in, my ex, self esteem, split up, text, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, lucy.whittaker +, writes (22 December 2009):
lucy.whittaker is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks Griffo, that was helpful, I think I'll leave talking to him until when we get home to Wales, then if he talks to me I'll sit him down and explain what happened and how I feel. Sounds like a good plan.
LazyGuy, yes, my life is a bit of a mess, but at the same time i'm dealing with it. Sleeping with Tom isn't something I regret (The guy I met in the club). It was just for a bit of fun and it didn't hurt anyone, except Danny, and it wasn't his place to be hurt by it. Is it wrong to be made feel attractive by a man? I wouldn't say i needed it. I wanted to do what I did, it was fun. If you don't like that then that's up to you. All I'm saying is that I don't feel it was an issue for me to sleep with him. I enjoyed it, so did he, we didn't want to take it any further. End of :)
Calling Dan a best friend is true, he was really there for me, we got on really well and I had to get close to people a lot faster than I normally would. Being put into the situation I was in meant I needed to make friends quickly so I had people who would be there for me. You're right, perhaps I should have made a better choice of friend, but he is a really good person underneath the slightly messed up exterior. We are also in the same friendship group and it would be harder to avoid him than make up. Also, I have made other friends and better friends in the group. Though I would consider him one of my best friends, he's not my only and I'm a lot closer to Jade and other people. They are all friends together. To be fair, I've already had to start my life again once this year, I really don't want to have to do it again.
If you have anything else to say I'd be happy to hear it.
Lucy xxxx
A
male
reader, Lee Adama +, writes (22 December 2009):
 I think you need to rather careful with this one. Danny is clearly a troubled young man with numerous issues of his own going on that he needs to sort out. The big problem as I see it is that so long as he has you to obsess over he's unlikely to tackle these issues. Knowing what I do this has all the starting elements of something sinister & I strongly recommend that you remove him from your life. Remember the old saying, "be cruel to be kind", take that as your mantra!
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A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (22 December 2009):
 Hi, the best thing you can do is one of these:
1) just sit him down and tell him how you feel, he will respect you for that. But please be sure you are very clear with him look him in the eyes and tell him how you feel (that you dont want to be with him and you dont feel the same way as he does, then tell him you like being his friend). And shout him a drink and leave it at that.
A few days later he may freak out thinking he lost you as a friend, all of a sudden it will hit him like a tone of bricks and he'll wanna start hanging out like friends do (after all if you say you wanna be friends to a guy you'll have to maintain that too) ..., now, this is the important part. At this point you will have to hang out with him untill you have rebuilt your friendship to the point he feels comfortable that you wont leave him and just "say" you will be friends. Because likley in his mind you had just said that to get rid of him, so he'll wanna see how genuine you are and if you really meant it.
If you didntmean it, then your setting yourself up for more unwanted communication from him.
or;
2) you can completley avoid him, and give him the time to fully get over you, this is the painfull way, but very effective. Do not talk untill you are really sure he is over you, it may take years, weeks or months. You may never be friends the same way ever again ... When the time is right, years or months away (a while after he stops calling and messaging/emailing) call him and say hi.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (22 December 2009):
 Whoa. A LOT of issues going on here.
First off, sleeping with a random guy just to give your ego a boost is not going to end well.
Second, you call him your best friend, after knowing him for 2 months, during which he called you a slut...
If this is your idea of a best friend, I can see you might need to sleep with random guys for an ego boost. Your life sounds like a mess.
But this guy is in an even worse state. Severely unbalanced. Stay away from him. This not the kind of guy you can be best friend with.
Really, read your own post. What kind of impression would you get of your life?
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