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anonymous
writes: Jealousy & competitionI'm dating a wonderful man but my closest girlfriend does not get along with him & he doesn't like her either. When they first met, it was great, but over the past year, they've developed mutual conflict.They both accuse each other of being possessive with me & I feel STUCK in the middle of their Tug of War.When I am with them, they tolerate each other for my sake, but the tension & hostility is increasing.I confronted each of them individually & requested they work out their differences (go for a drink together & chat)but they are reluctant to comply.I'm an easygoing & patient person, but the constant tension gets to me, so I try to spend time with each of them separately, to avoid further conflict.Last nite it finally came to a head when I went to a club with my boyfriend & saw my close girlfriend there too. The 2 of them COMPETED for my attention & kept tossing angry hostile glares & comments at each other. Finally I had to leave the club & go home.Today I got an email from my girlfriend stating she "HATED" the man in life & if I wanted to continue our friendship, it has to be WITHOUT him.I resent being forced to make a choice between the 2 people I care most about in my life.How can I bring peace into this situation & encourage these 2 beautiful souls to resolve their differences?NordicBeauty in Canada
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reader, freedom +, writes (3 July 2005):
You not only have to encourage them to resolve their differences, but you have to be the one that makes sure it happens or it never will. Your best friend shouldn't threaten you and you shouldn't have to make a choice. There is a reason that they aren't getting along. It could be your boyfriend has jealousy problems concerning your bestfriend, or your best friend has jealousy problems concerning your boyfriend. Set up a time and place you can get them both in the same room or somewhere that they can talk without them knowing the other will be there. I suggest a house or somewhere there is only one door like a bathroom. Point is that YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN BECAUSE THEY WON'T! If this turns out to be too much trouble or just impossible then trying to bring peace into this situation by only seeing them seperately will work for about a month. I say this because I am speaking from "Been there, done that." They will both end up resenting you for not choosing one over the other, and one day you will be right back where you are now. Only the next time you will be without one of them or possibly both of them. They are both important people in your life. What are you going to at birthdays, or possibly your wedding day? Have seperate events so they can both be involved? I should think not. Get them to resolve their problems and act like adults. If they won't tell them you won't make a choice and that you also won't tolerate their behavior when they see each other, and they need to come to a truce because they are both hurting you and not each other. When and if either one decides they can't do this for you, then honestly you are better off without the one that leaves. If you lose one or both of them it will be hard, but in the long run it will be the best. Girlfriends should never decide your friendship is worth losing over your boyfriend, and your boyfriend should never come into your life and cause problems with friends you had long before he was around. Jealousy is the main reason this happens, and I think if you get to the reaons they are like this then you can help them.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (20 June 2005):
 Explain to them both that you don't want and will not choose between them, that you love them both.
Reassure them both that they need not compete for your attention, you care about both of them but receive different things from each relationship.
Explain how this tug of war is making you feel as you expressed in your letter. If they care and respect you, then they should make an earnest effort to let go of their hostilities for each other.
I think it may be the case that they will never get on, which if you want to hold onto both of them, you will have to see them separately, it will be the only way.
Its a shame you can't put them in a locked room for three hours to thrash out their differences!
If they still want to be with you, then they should make the effort to keep the peace.
I hope this helps.
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reader, lucy +, writes (20 June 2005):
i think that you should basically pour out your feelings to both of them. let them realise how much you like each of them and how hard it would be to choose. Make sure that both of them feel wanted by you and make sure that your boyfriend and best friend avoid each other if possible. If they realise how upset this situation is mkaing you feel, hopefully they will tolerate each other for your sake. If not, and your best friend still insits you choose (which i belive was slightly an unfair thing to ask!) this is a descision only you can make, and you will have to think long and hard about it. Good luck and im sure everything will turn out fine. xxx
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