A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Im so upset I think ive damaged the best possible thing to happen to me. Ive fallen in love with my best friend we became cying to leaveose over time . Heres where its gets hard weve kissed a few times and he has a girlfriend of 5 years but please read before to judging. Hes been trying to leave her for ages but she threatens suicide. Drinks heavily goes on holiday with guys from work without him and socialises with them without him. After the last kiss he said it was better we stay good friends until he sormuch te sad things out. He says he loves me but ive been too emotionally heavy and now im scared because hes backed off. I love this im guy so much please im not horrible but I need to make things right :(
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2012): Sorry to hear this tough situation you're in hon. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do about him because he is the one in the messed up situation.
he may truly love you but if he's too afraid to disentangle himself from her then he's still not available because she will be a ever-present constraint on any relationship between you and him. even if she doesn't know about you, the fear of her finding out will prevent him from developing a normal relationship with you.
this is his mess that he needs to sort out on his own. he needs to decide if it's worth it for HIM to stay with her to avoid whatever consequences he's afraid will happen from breaking up. only HE can decide that, because HE is the one in that mess who will have to deal with those consequences. You can't decide that for him and you shouldn't push him to make the decision you hope for. yes I think he should absolutely leave her, but he has to feel that it's the right thing to do and not have regrets, and that can't happen unless it's his own realization.
I think the only thing you can do is decide how long you are willing to wait for him to leave her. And then communicate this clearly to him. And then if the deadline comes and he's still not left her then you must move on from him.
I'm speaking from experience - I've known guys in the same position as him, who not only didn't have the guts to leave the unstable gf but even ended up marrying her and starting a family with her to placate her, because that's what she eventually will want, you know it's what she will want the longer he's with her. This is why you must not wait around forever you must have your own time frame. You can end up waiting for years while he then marries her supposedly because she's threatening to kill herself if he doesn't/ Then he will give her kids and the white picket fence again because she will threaten to unravel if he doesn't fulfill the next stage of her dreams. I have seen this happen to my good friend. he wanted to leave her over a decade ago, but too afraid of what she would do, so he stayed...then every few years she upped her demands and now they are married with a 3 year old ... I seen him pass by so many better women in the meantime, who would have treated him better. I been counseling him for the last 10 years to leave her already, another mutual female friend who loves him and he loved her, was waiting for him but now it's too late he's too entrenched because he married his gf and now has a family to support.
this is why you need to have your own time frame because no matter how much he may want to be with you, and how much he hates being with her, it does not mean he will ever have the guts to leave her. the longer he stays the stronger the pressure to keep staying. If he didn't have the guts to leave her already, it's just going to get harder from now on unless he develops some new boldness that he never had before.
A
female
reader, too solid for you  +, writes (3 September 2012):
I believe that you should take no further than friendship, because if you guys ever do break you may not have a friendship again.
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A
female
reader, lmao1989 +, writes (3 September 2012):
 I mean for starters his girlfriend of 5 Years clearly doesn't love him she just wants him there to come back too. She threatens suicide but i guarantee she would never go through with it she's all attention seeking just wants him and no-one else to have him.He may have backed off because he is trying to sort things out with the girl in the sense that he actually is going to end it with her. Maybe he's backed off because he doesn't want to hurt anyone despite the girlfriend treating him as you say she does he probably wants a clean break up so he doesn't have too feel attached with her.Your best bet is to talk to him find out what he is actually feeling towards you, otherwise you're going to keep questioning it to yourself and never get the answer you truly need. Contact him see if you can talk to him.I'm sure he will :)Hope things work out for you :)
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (3 September 2012):
Have a talk with him. Explain the strength of your feelings for him and ask him whether he feels the same or not. If either he doesn’t feel the same, and/or he refuses to leave his girlfriend, there’s no future for you and you should distance yourself from him because clearly just being friends is too hard for you. If he does want to be more than friends he has to leave his girlfriend. Is it just out of fear that he stays with her? If he wants to leave her but he’s too scared of what she’ll do, that’s undoubtedly difficult but he should explain his concerns for her to her family and if necessary give her information on accessing counselling services. He is not responsible for her mental health or emotional well-being. If she makes suicidal threats to try and trap him, that’s unbelievably cruel. If these threats are genuine, she needs more help than he could possibly give her anyway even if he stays. You can’t wait around forever: you’re going to have to ask him to clarify where you stand so that you can either get on with dating or come to terms with the bad news. Being kept dangling like this isn’t helping anyone so if you’ve already kissed he should give you an answer and you should insist on one, and you should give him some kind of indication of when you expect a decision to have been made.
I wish you all the very best.
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