A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:On the 27th of February my baby was born dead... I'm finding it very hard to grieve and do anything. I have an 18 month old baby and I can't seem to hold her... I don't know how to go on. Please I need some help. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, dsperandio  +, writes (5 April 2010):
come om over to dailystrength.com in the stillbirth group...everyone is great
A
female
reader, Tyler's Mommy +, writes (13 November 2009):
My beautiful baby boy was born dead last week. It seems there is really nothing out there to help with this as far as resources go. People try to tell you how they had a miscarriage and know what you are going through.... NO they don't. I'm having a hard time with it too. Fortunately though, I've turned to comfort through holding my other kiddos. My youngest is 4yo and completely doesn't understand. That's really rough. I'm sure that you know what I mean on that. Heartbreaking how we'll never get to know the baby that we cared and loved for so much. If you ever need to talk, maybe there's help in each other.
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female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (24 March 2009):
 When I had my miscarriage, I remember hating myself for somehow killing my baby. I felt like I was my own worst enemy, that somehow my body couldn't protect what it had created. I remember being so confused and hurt, and just like a huge weight was on my mind and shoulders.
As cold as it may sound, I got through it by only looking at the science of the matter. I knew that I had a miscarriage because something was wrong with the developing fetus, not because of anything I did. And I knew that if that fetus had been allowed to continue developing and growing, then I would have had an extremely special needs child on my hands. They never would have been healthy or happy, and I never would have been able to fully experience all the joys of parenthood.
I cannot tell you how sorry I am that this happened to you. I cannot imagine the pain of carrying your child for so long only to lose them before ever really having them. I hope you will seek grief counseling. I don't know how religious you are, but possibly counseling from a minister or priest will help. The only belief I have in a higher power came after my miscarriage. I had to accept that there was some reason for my loss, that something, whether it be a god or some biological power, took pregnancy away from me for a reason.
Just know that you did nothing wrong. The world works in mysterious ways. It was not that child's time, for whatever reason.
Please get counseling to help you through this loss. I am so sorry, again.
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (24 March 2009):
 I can't begin to understand the pain you must feel in losing a child and I truly feel for you. You have been given some great advice from the other aunts here and some great links to look at. Please seek grief counselling in order to help you through your grief and have family around you too. Talk about your pain and know that every single one of us are here for you if you want to talk about it more.
Take care and stay strong, you WILL get through this...
~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): My dear, words cannot describe the feeling of heartache and sadness, I feel for you. I am so sorry for your pain and my condolences go out to you. You have been wounded and wounds take time to heal. The anguish of losing a child this way is unimaginable. Parents of a stillborn baby have very few memories, and all of the pain. And those painful wounds to our spirit, follow a normal pattern of healing. Now is the time for you to grieve and heal and no one can impose a timetable on you for working this through. But you do have a small child still depending on you and because you are heartbroken and numbed by what has happened, you are finding it difficult to get close with this child. This is temporary..please don't be alarmed. It will pass.
Hun, please remember, you just experienced a huge, huge loss--you will always feel sadness over the loss of your child but but one that cannot bind you. I hope that you can come through this, stronger and be able to carve out a place for this beautiful child to live forever in your heart. You truely are forever changed, but it would be a great disservice to this baby's memory if you allowed that change, to be a negative one. Honour this baby's memory by embracing the softer, more empathetic person inside you and by being the best, most loving mother possible to your other child. But until you can get there, your 18 mo old child still needs comfort, affection and love to flourish healthily, which you can't give right now, even though, we know you must want to. But it's too painful. Please...you need to call in some help. Your partner/husband/bf must take over and help. Have him help you, by calling someone.... like a Mother, Aunt , Sister, a good friend that can come and help you with your 18 mo old. But look after YOU first, you need so much support, strength and love from those who love you. Please ask for it.
And I agree with the other Aunts, please seek some grief counseling. These are wonderfully, compassionate people who understand. Call your family doctor and tell him/her, that you are struggling. If you belong to a church, your pastor can offer support services as well, or can steer you in the right direction. And please think about joining a Mom's support group. You need to talk to other Mom's about their loss and how they coped.
Edith Wharton said, "There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it." You were the mirror reflecting your baby's light. Now you can be the candle passing the light on. Perhaps one day you will again see your baby's light and love, shining from the eyes of your other children. My prayers are with you. Be strong and ask for help...please. My love and sympathy for your loss are with you and your family. Bless you Irishxx.
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female
reader, B123  +, writes (24 March 2009):
 I am so so sorry for your loss. If its any consolation to you - I have lost my child 27 days after birth and it was really traumatic. She died in my arms. What I want to say to you is this: cry get it all out by all means, time will help you feel better. You will feel raw for the first few months - but don't blame yourself for the baby being born dead, at least you got some time with your child even they were inside you at least they chose you! every pregnancy is different as you know and we just never know what is around the corner so the best thing we can do is not to dwell on it for too long..if I was to think of all that went wrong with her every day then yeah I too..would never be able to move on..it will get better..you will never forget them and you can never replace them but they will watch over you and make sure you are alright..please take care of yourself and don't be alone..just don't feel alone..this happens every day..someone experiences the same pain..hugs..I hope whatever I have said has helped you and that remember you can only help yourself..you did nothing wrong. You STILL gave them a life - and that is something you should be proud of.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): I too am very sorry for your loss, and you do need some support and help during this time. There are stages to grief and they don't have to go in any certain order, and you may go back and forth, but right now it sounds like you are in shock and denial. It is your body's reaction to protect you from strong psychological pain.....but I think it would start by holding your 18 month old tightly and looking into her little face and eyes, look at her little hands and feet and focus on your feelings that come up while doing that. Don't resist your feelings, let them out and then you can heal.
Realize that you will be fine and get through this, and even though a tragic loss, you will go on to have other children when you are ready. I don't in any way mean to trivialize this child's passing, it happens sometimes and you can't let it damage you permanently. Life is full of losses unfortuneately, but we wouldn't have anything to measure joy by if we didn't know loss.
Love your child, love your husband of partner, most of all love yourself and be grateful for the chance to love at all.
Take care.
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A
male
reader, ISOHaven +, writes (23 March 2009):
Even finding help on this matter is hard. There are two very strong views on grieving.
1. If you don't grieve right away then something is wrong with you and they try to fix you.
or
2. EVERYONE grieves differently. I follow this ideal. I've known people who took over a year to start grieving. This kind of thing is very hard on your mind and we have certain modes of protection to keep us from damaging ourselves. I've also known people who grieve for MANY YEARS as well as two people who have never stopped grieving for their lost loved ones. It gets easier, of course, but everyone has to work through these things on their own terms. Getting help on this matter is simply another way of stating you need help learning the tools that will help you to cope with your situation.
My advise, is to never swallow just one persons opinion. If you find a counselor and you feel what they are saying to you isn't right then STOP. Get more opinions to better educate yourself and then try again.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): thats more than unfair - you loose the baby, can't grieve (so you feel even worse) and then to try and protect the existing baby you actually ignore her. thats so tough and not under your control - your body is so tense over this sigh. at least you recognise something is wrong which is actually a small glimmer of good news.
Kelly is right you need professional help and quickly. You have shown the right thing to do by asking for help here. thats a lot of courage. you can get through this and you aren't as alone as you think. you need to find a little more strength (not much more really).
contact these people:
http://www.uk-sands.org/Support/Overview.html
they have a helpline 020 7436 5881
i would call them tomorrow, early and tell them everything. Make sure you have tissues(for them if not you)ready.
or the alder centre on: Tel: (+44) 0151 252 5391
there are others but these are a good starting point. If they are engaged or can't make it we are still here. if you want to talk and say what happened we will listen.
my heart goes out to you.
Hug Star.x.
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A
female
reader, lanale +, writes (23 March 2009):
http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancyloss/sbsurvivingemotionally.htmlI am so sorry for your loss. There is a link that may be helpful.
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female
reader, Juliepulie +, writes (23 March 2009):
First of all I want to send out a big hug 2 you. I couldn't even imagine wot you are going through. Heaven has a new angel, your baby will always be with you. You cannot expect urself to be back 2 normal already darling, you have a beautiful child that needs you 2 though. Talk 2 family and friends, if you find that too hard, talk 2 sumbody completely unrelated.
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female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (23 March 2009):
 You shouldn't be looking for help here, go to the doctors and tell them the problem. You should see a qualified counseller! It must be so hard but you need to get help for yourself and for your other baby! Your child needs you and its your responsibilty to get help. There are so many people who can do things to ease pressure and to help you to grieve, it all starts with a trip to a doctor, they will refer you. If you need time alopne maybe ask someone to babysit. X
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