A
male
age
41-50,
*adGuy123
writes:Dear Everybody,I met a wonderful lady at the beginning of the year. She means the absolute world to me. To give you a bit of background. She is currently seperated. She has 2 beautiful children and her ex husband works away alot. They seperated because he was a serial cheat. She has filed for divorce. Everything is true what she says. I believe her 100%. I've seen paperwork, etc. As the months passed by the ex husband found out about me. The thing is he started to do a bit of digging about me. About my past.I'm going to be totally honest and upfront. When I was in my late teens / early twenties I was a bit of a 'bad boy'. I got in trouble with the law. I haven't been in trouble since 2005. My girlfriends ex partner told her about this and threatened her to end the relationship as he didn't want a criminal near his kids. I care for her kids like they are my own and I wouldn't hurt them or her in anyway as they are too precious to me.She confronted me about my past and I told her the truth. To me it was 7 years ago and I hadn't broken the law since then. I've changed my ways. I have a steady job. I have my own place and live life pretty quietly. She told me what he had said and she said she had to end the relationship for the kids because he was threatening her to take them off of her.We finished in September, but she got back in touch at the end of October. We've started seeing each other again and I absolutely adore this girl. She says she loves me and wants to be with me but we can't because she's scared of losing the kids because of him. I really don't know what to do? I want to be with her but I can't because of him and it's tearing me apart. What do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): I have to disagree with people who say assaults are serious, sure they can be serious but it's all contextual. If you seriously harmed people intentionally and for no reason then that's pretty serious but you did no time so there couldn't have been all that much damage.
If you were the type of drunk who always got into fights then you simply don't drink anymore or be around those situations. If you were quick fisted with a lot of enemies around and your solution was to throw punches that too isn't that serious but it is a reason to stay away from that kind of crowd.
If it's not something you do at all anymore then that's okay. There are just plenty of guys that find nothing wrong with a good aul' fight every now and again. it's not always some deeply emotional horrific event. I've gotten up after fights with strangers and we went off had a few drinks together congratulated each other on our fighting skills and become acquaintances.
I have a few warnings on my record for affray but never had a day in court because it was never without good reason. Self defence, defence of others and reasonable response to people who didn't press charges. I put one guy in hospital for drunkenly molesting my girlfriend, I did some serious damage too but even the Gardai who interviewed me said it was an understandable reaction.
My girlfriend abhors violence but she's not stupid enough to believe this "it never solves anything" crap I don't think she'd be very appreciative of me if I was type of guy who simply gave a "stern talking to" to a guy for grabbing her breasts tightly and trying maul her. I don't think she'd feel safe with a guy who takes a punch and can't defend himself. But she would be gone like a shot if I was the type of guy who used violence to lash out at a person over an insult or if I used it to solve everything. She wants to be able to feel safe and protected, but she also has to feel safe that I'm not prone to unreasonable violence in case that ever got directed towards her.
Look a violent past is a reason to be cautious, you would be too OP but my original points stand. Patience, understanding, not giving up but also being very relaxed and chilled. You want her, you want this to work but you're not going to get worked up about it. The father does have good reason to be suspicious, not many guys would be too eager to have their kids have the bad boy fighter of the town be a part of their lives. Showing you're reformed is going to take a lot of time and patience.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): Um, you say you were in trouble with the law for 'assault' yet you say for nothing serious? I believe assault is actually a very serious crime!
other than that, I always feel it's terrible that even after you are divorced, that your ex of all people can have any say in who you date or marry in the future. That's just wrong. yet I understand the ex's concern about the children too. (another reason not to have children with someone you aren't 100% sure that the relationship will last a lifetime..otherwise if the relationship ends the ex can prevent you from moving on by using the children).
I suppose your gf should talk to a lawyer about this rather than simply believing that her ex has complete power to take away her kids based on your past track record. it's not like you are marrying this woman or even living together so I think it's ridiculous that her ex can get her kids taken away from her simply based on who she is dating.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 November 2012):
 Assaults are serious... I don't know you, so I will try not to judge, but the way you talk about this sounds as if you are not being honest. You aren't specific, you describe it as "nothing", and not serious. But it is serious. Serious enough to go on your record.
Maybe, if you want others to take you seriously, you need to take yourself seriously first. Being young and stupid at the time is no excuse. You knew what was the law and what was breaking the law, and unless your police is corrupt then these charges aren't "nothing serious". If it was truly nothing serious then it wouldn't be on your record, would it? If you were old enough for it to go on your record then you were also old enough to know the difference between right and wrong.
You do not sound as if you are taking any responsibility for these actions, even though you claim to have both matured and changed. But taking responsibility for ones actions is first step to being mature. Again, I don't know you, and maybe you just did an error by writing in this manner, but the way you come off sounds as if you are not taking this seriously at all.
If this is the same way you come off to others, and not just here on dearcupid, then I think you will have a hard time convincing anyone to trust you, or trust that you actually have changed.
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A
male
reader, CJH +, writes (7 November 2012):
 We all make mistakes at some point in our lives.
To me, you sound as though you have come through that.
The problem is, you need your girlfriend to take the same view. I know you say she loves you but she IS still letting her idiot ex have an element of control over her life - in turn that affects your life.
I would have to say that, as a father, I would want to be 100% certain that my kids were not at risk from a "step-father" BUT you may find that you never reach the stage where HE approves of you and stops making these threats.
It's your girlfriend who needs to decide whether or not she wants to be with you. I don't mean secretly either, if you two are going to work, she has to stand up to her ex and tell him that she is perfectly capable of choosing who she wants to spend her life with and that he needs to get lost.
Difficult situation for you to be in because I can tell you are ashamed of your past. Fight that one, you've grown up and you paid for what you did at the time. Stop letting it come back and bite you on the arse. That's a mindset you need to work on.
I wish you luck with this thing. You deserve happiness, we all do.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (7 November 2012):
You want to be honest? Then why aren't you honest about what your encounter with the law was about? You're too vague. Please provide more information, because depening on the crime there either are things you could do, or you should move on. Example, if you drove too fast and lost your drivers licence that's one thing. But if you raped a woman that's quite the other.
And for the future it might be wise to inform your girlfriend about your past, before it comes to this.
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A
male
reader, BadGuy123 +, writes (7 November 2012):
BadGuy123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the advice. I should have said what my crimes were. They were bad I admit. But not really bad. Only assaults and breaches of the peace. Nothing serious. And nothing I some time for. Just fines. I had a bit of a reputation where I come from but I grew up! Nothing of a sexual nature whatsoever! Thanks again to everyone!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): OP unless your history is one of crimes against children or sex crimes then there is no way he can do anything like he threatens, he's just being a jealous ex otherwise why would he do so much digging?
To be fair though you can kind of understand his trepidation. I don't think you would have the same misgivings but the reality is this, it's her choice what she does here. He doesn't stand a chance of using your history against you as long as it wasn't one of the above.
If it was anything to do with drugs then you can get tests to prove sobriety and other crimes then time not having done them is proof enough. You live in the UK OP, once you've done your time no one has the right to further punish you, although in my mind crime of a sexual nature or crimes against children are exempt from that, personally I think there should be no comebacks from those kind of crimes and people like that should never be allowed to live a comfortable existence, they should suffer for as long as their victims if not longer.
OP I don't see why you think you can't have her, she's got back in contact and you're seeing each other again, the door is open but you're going to be very patient and persistent, she's a mother above all else and surely you can understand why she would worry not only about the father being an ass but about your past too. You would have the same caution in her position.
I do agree the previous posters who say get legal advice. It would be worth the money to contact a family solicitor and see what the chances are of a father being able to do what he proposes in your situation. Maybe even get a second opinion from another just to be sure. that way you can at least find out the chances and be able to set her mind at ease in a legal sense but it is going to take a long time and patience for her to come around but that door is firmly open OP just don't slam it shut by trying to force this situation, through desperation or neediness.
Seriously the door is open, if your crimes were that bad then she really wouldn't have anything to do with you. So don't despair OP, things are going as well as can be expected in your situation and if you keep going, remain relaxed but determined then things will work out.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (7 November 2012):
 What was the crime you committed? I would get in touch with a lawyer if I were you, one that specialises in family law and see if he could actually take the kids away because of your crime.
I would find it highly unlikely that he could gain full custody of the children unless your crime was a sex offence. But you need to speak to a lawyer to find out what exactly could happen.
The mother is normally looked upon more favourably in the eyes of the law when it comes to custody because it is widely believed that it is more important for the mother to be in the child's life than the father. Therefore the chances of her loosing custody are VERY unlikely, but again this all depends on what exactly you have done in the past.
Get some legal advice and take it from there. I dobut she could lose her kids over this but only a professional can confirm this for sure. Once you have spoken to the lawyer (take your girlfriend if possible so she can hear it from the professional too) then hopefully if he/she confirms she wont loose the kids, then your girlfriend will feel much better about the situation and wont be so bothered by her ex's threats.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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