A
female
age
36-40,
*olasloosingit
writes:My daughters father has been paying for t-girls, smoking weed, watching porn and calling girls behind my back, please someone give me words of wisdom?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2011): Hi everyone,
Thanks for your replies. This is the first time I have ever used anything like this, so I was unsure of how much detail to go into and whether or not I would get a response.
So, I will try my best to explain my situation further as briefly as I can.
Firstly, I will begin by telling you that I am living in a country on the opposite side of the world from my home. I came here travelling with friends 6 years ago and met the partner I have mentioned. After spending two years of our life, living, working and travelling together. I fell in love with this guy. I will call him John. So, after the two years my visa was due to expire and we both agreed that we could not say goodbye and wanted to stay together. In this time my Mother came over to visit and John asked her for my hand in marriage. Life was great. I applied for my de-facto visa, which was granted and I continued in my happy life. By this stage we worked seperate jobs.
John was the most loving, happy, outgoing partner I had ever had. John did smoke weed, but not very often, just a social thing. I spent all of my time with John, where ever he went I would be invited and vice versa.
Ok, so now I will have to just go straight to what happened to change all of that. One day I answered a phone call on John's mobile whilst he was in the shower. It was a man, sounded like a gay man, definetly a man, but with a femine voice. He/ she asked for John, i asked who it was, he said that John had been calling him for his service. I wanted to be sick, I simply asked the caller how much they charged to which he replied $70. It was a prositute and a very nasty one at that. The caller went into detail about the services he offered and told me he was a transexual ( HIS words).
I checked the number to see if it matched any of the sex ad's in the back of the newspaper and sure enough it matched.
I can not begin to explain how I felt at that moment in time. Numb, sick, confused to name a few.
I sat in silence for an hour and did not confront John at first. Once I did, John broke down. There is too much detail already, I'm sorry. In a nutshell, I booked a flight home and in the time that it took, John tried to take his life. I was seriously messed up in the head. John pleaded with me to listen to him and over the next few weeks I heard a sad story of his past.John confessed that he had slept with 3 protitutes all "Transexuals" as they advertise in the paper. John told me he used to watch porn until he met me and he had seen She-males in gang bangs and he couldn't help but feel excited. He told me that he could not get a girlfriend when he was 18-22, as he smoked too much weed and so began visiting prostitutes regulary.
He cried. and cried and cried. This did not make him feel good about himself, going with Transexuals. It was a fantasy that was in his head that he became obsessed with. He begged me to see a counselor with him to find out why he is so messed up and to try and fix himself. John blamed, weed, childhood, exposure to porn and excessive drug taking in his early days for the secret person he had become.
Sorry, I will have to continue this later
A
female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (19 February 2011):
 Cut your losses and move on, he's an obvious loser...and contributes nothing to being a father or partner to you. If you can afford to be without support then see if he will sign over his parental rights to the child, he wouldn't be someone who would be a good father based on his behavior and values.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): Leave him. He obviously doesn't respect you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): Wow, who ever thought that a guy that could have a baby with an unmarried woman would behave badly? What do you expect? A perfect father??? He started bad, now he's acting bad and you expect change? You need to look at the evidence and see that your expectations are unreasonable. You can't change him!
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A
female
reader, vixthenomad  +, writes (19 February 2011):
Hi there,
You don't give many specifics, so I'll take your points one by one to get you to think about them in more detail and find out exactly what is upsetting you about this situation.
I'm not sure what 't-girls' are but I'm guessing they're some sort of sex worker. I'd say this is something you need to confront him about and tell him that it's not acceptable to you. Everyone has the right to respect in a relationship!
The weed-smoking is a difficult one. I dated a man who was heavily into weed and tried to get him to give up - but he wouldn't or couldn't. I think that for someone to break a habit like this they have to do it for their own reasons, not because someone is nagging them! I'd say the choices you have are pretty much either accept him for what and who he is, or leave him if it's not something you can accept in him.
Porn is an issue that a lot of couples have problems with. Basically, his watching porn doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't find you desirable - it's just an expression of his nature as a sexual being. No one person can fulfil all of another person's desires! Women often enjoy porn too - perhaps you could find some that you and he could watch together. There's a lot of it out there that caters to all tastes, and you can guarantee you'll get 'cool girlfriend' points for even trying!
Calling girls behind your back...what exactly do you mean by this? Do you have proof? And if so, do you have proof that the calls are of a nature that compromises your relationship with him? These are things worth thinking about if you haven't already. It might also be worth asking why he's doing it. Is it because he really does have something to hide, or are you an overly paranoid girlfriend and he feels he has to be secretive in case you get the wrong idea? I'm not saying either of these is truer than the other - just that your question gives no details which could mean that you haven't probed more deeply into it in your own mind yet.
I hope some of this helps!
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (19 February 2011):
Hi there OP
Sorry if this sounds like a stupid question, but you refer to this man as your daughter's father, not your bf or partner. Are you actually in a relationship with him? I just wondered if you could clarify this.
If he is your bf then get rid of him. Move out and move on. His behaviour is completely irresponsible and you don't need someone like that as a partner.
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