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anonymous
writes: How can you tell your son or daughter,if you don't really like something what they create,or dress up,or any other thing ,where they ask your opinion? I have very creative son, and he is good at music , and painting. But many times, I don't think, that it was good what he created. Like I don't like the new song.. Or I don't like the shirt he put on. So he is asking? How do you like it ? And I have have hard time to say I like it, and he gets disappointed. Sometimes he says ,me and my husband are harsh judgmental people.WELL.. How can you deal with this dilemma? I know parents,who are always blown away, even if their kid is singing the whole opera out of tuneI'm not talking about 5 year olds So ,it is so hard, because its great ,that he is doing something, and being creative, \I don't want to kill this. Bu tI can't say I liked it when I don't. And now our relationship is getting very tense because of this! Again, I would never say to a 5 year old, that I don't like his drawing.. So how can I handle this? Thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): I think, not only between parent and child, but between anybody it is very important to keep very positive feedback. It can be tremendously hurtful ,when we criticize someone,even if it is not our child. Use as much complement as you can! Take care!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): the thing you aunts are overlooking is that she is not being critical . she is not walking up to him and saying THATS TERRIBLE!!! He is coming to her and ASKING. He knows she will be honest and that is WHY he is asking. I too have friends and i would venture to say my husband has insecurities that have carried over from his/their childhood and constant criticism..but i dont see that as the issue here.
I have a sister in law who is constantly saying in a crowd of people...isnt my husband the best looking guy? or isnt he just so cute? and the same thing through the years with her sons....and they are not in the least. Her husband is disgusting and needs to bathe more frequently. Overweight, has a hair color that i find unattractive..etc. it is an uncomfortable thing. I have learned to say, " he's yours and if you think so thats all that matters. " :) or some other totally inane comment. but i absolutely will not ever be heard saying that, " yes i do."
I have 7 children and i will not lie to them either. i will brag on them, encourage them , avoid saying really critical things but like askoldersister i have figured out ways to get my point across with laughter, and silliness, when the occasion warreants it. I also brag them up when the oppurtunity arises. I have a son who is an awesome guitarist...and one that has a huge vocal talent. I also have a son who cant carry a tune in a bucket. i would be doing them a disservice to encourage talents that they do not have. The son with no musical talent is very intelligent and so that is what i brag on about him. it doesnt have to be a public thing altogether. there are ways, to encourage their own talents and creativity.
Poster i totally understand the issue, and compliment every chance you get to do it honestly. when you just cant do it honestly, laugh and shake your head and say something funny...without being overly critical. you will get there because i sense you do want to be a help, and not a critical parent. he will get it. hang in there and you will find what works for the two of you. best of luck to you, mal
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): Yes ! It is very good question!I think people are really right here. You can do big damage with the wrong feedback. And if you have high expectations you will hurt him for sure!It is not your job to measure up the quality of his art! Let others do that! Actually,I'm very surprised ,when a parent does that. Were your parents doing this to you?
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reader, boo22  +, writes (11 December 2009):
 Hi, I know a guy who has terrible emotional problems that have carried on into adulthood because of over critical parents.
Their comments seemed to have no discernable affect on his siblings.
His situation was extreme though,but my point is if he is creative he's likely to be very sensitive and take it very personally. Hence the frosty atmosphere in the house.
You will have to change your behaviour if you want a close relationship with him. Sometimes you have to tell little white lies to spare someones feelings.
It's not hard, gets easier the more you do it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): What would you do ,if he would tell you , mom I hate this outfit you wear! It makes you look like a scarecrow! Never be critical with your loved ones!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): Is he going to art school? Do you like art? I think you should feel very lucky ,that your kid is not into party and drugs! Be overjoyed!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): Yes! You should never tell anything ,what might cause him to be motivated. It's a fine line in there!. Well I would rather say it is good ,even if its not good. Because he is doing something positive! And you can seriously damage him! Good luck!
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reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 December 2009):
 Use as much positive reinforcement as possible also ask him if he really wants your honest opinion be it good or bad. Talk to him about the piece ( painting for instance) ask him what made him paint it, what he tried to express and so on BEFORE you criticize it.
I used to work in oils a lot as a teenager and later on too, I honestly didn't want honest criticism if I liked the picture, lol so I learned early on that if I didn't want my Mom's opinion ( if I was happy with the picture) I wouldn't ask. My Mom was is brutally honest and actually helped me along in many ways. My Dad on the other hand loved everything :)
As far as clothes.. Well if he asks, tell him it brings out his ears - make it light, make it a joke if you totally hate it. Don;t forget parents and kids will not agree on everything and THAT is HOW progress is made :)
Something he will HAVE to learn and figure out on his own, like his individuality and personality, you can help shape it, but you can't make is, certainly not if he isn't a boy of 5 :)
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reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 December 2009):
 When he is not asking for your opinion, tell him how proud you are, in general conversation tell him how clever he is, and that even though you dont understand much of his creative work, you can see the talent.
Just try and use positive words without saying you dont like something, eg, when he asks about a shirt, if you dont like the style comment on the colour, or vice versa. You can praise him up without praising his work.
Good luck, I hope he does well!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): wow, a hard one. i am living with a musician and i know!
my neighbour reminded me that it is a brave and noble thing to volunteer to act as a critic, or as feedback for a work in progress. i think maybe that is the problem. if you can, avoid listening to anything until he has finished it. if he is serious he won't mind if you like it or not, because he will be thinking of other people listening to it, not just you. and music taste is very subjective! so if you can, be objective (that was interesting guitar work)? he obviously rates your opinion, though :)
good luck!
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