A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidMy bf of 3 years talks to me only when im happy and hv no problems @ work or anywhere else. He stops talking and avoids me when i have problems. I am not a complainer but once in a while i want someone atleast to listen to my problems. Is that too much to ask from him.Whenever i try to talk to him about this, he is avoiding me again. Yesterday i had a bad day at work, and i told my bf so. He is not talking and picking up my calls now. Right now he is staying with his mother to take care of some business which is 4 hrs drive from my place. We talk on phone on weekdays and meet during weekends.Am i doing something wrong here, please please help me
View related questions:
at work Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (11 July 2013):
 At the moment he’s distracted with some business but the fact is; “he stops talking and avoids you” whenever ‘you’ have a problem. Now for the sake of argument you’re not a complainer as you say, so I’d start to think this guy is emotionally inept when it comes to helping me out. From experience there are males who know how to listen, give solutions and be a friend… But at the same time, do not expect them to listen to dribbling gossip and whinge without doing something! Others simply can’t fathom what you expect of them; they haven’t the listening skills or emotional intellect to give advice and avoid (possible) conflict. But more importantly, how goes his problem solving when there’s a real situation that needs discussing/fixing? Is he able to listen to you then? If he’s not, you’ve got yourself a guy with low Emotional Quota; sort of like having a fair weather friend as mentioned, and who is incapable of giving you emotional support. Here you’ll have to toughen up, find a girlfriend or confess that you’re really a closet complainer :) Alternatively write to us at Dear Cupid about your bad day at work and see if we can help you out…Take Care – CAA
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2013): He.s selfish. I believe you are not complaining too much. You seem very level headed. You just want to share stuff with him. That.s normal. I would write him an email telling him how his ignoring and not answering makes you feel,and that you feel he.s only around when things are good,or talk to him about it. How he.s responding is unfair,and upsetting for you. Imagine you had some major crisis. He.d probably hide away until you sorted it. It.s spineless,and you can.t rely on him. Talk or write to him,and see if it changes. If not,you may need to review your status with him. Let us know how it goes. Good luck! X
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2013): I don't know OP, I'm very used to women (and men) who say they don't complain actually being the most annoying mopey feckers on the planet.
Every needy woman I've dated sweared by how little she complained and how cold hearted I am for not caring about her hair being cut shorter than she asked for, or her heel breaking, or what Susan said to Sharon about what Mike said about her. Yawn.
OP while I'm perfectly capable of listening to problems because I've learned the value of pretending to care about menial stuff, I know lots of guys that get very pissed off listening to that stuff, sure it may be a big deal to you but I doubt to him that it is. For one simple reason for me. Women in my experience want to complain and do nothing about their problems but vent, to them it's therapeutic. Whereas guys, me and most of the ones I know want to fix problems, when we moan we want practical solutions not just to moan or have someone listen.
My point is OP, most of the time we want to offer a solution to your moaning which then pisses you off even more because you feel we don't care or more often we're belittling the emotional impact of your one inch shorter hair when we say it'll grow back, how cold and callous of us. Maybe that's the way he is about this kind of thing.
Maybe it's not him not caring, like most women seem to think it means, but him not willing to listen to you moan about something you're probably going to do nothing about but moan.
OP if he can't deal with that stuff then moan to a girlfriend instead.
Op you give an example of a bad day at work. Well maybe it's how you moan and what you consider to be a bad day, just maybe you're over the top and cry your eyes out because the boss didn't let you ask a question and you felt humiliated or something. It also matters what's happening in his life, if he has his own problems then he's not likely to be open to yours.
My advice would be to talk this all out with him next time you're in a great mood and spending some fun time together. Just casually bring up the subject and find out why.
Don't assume he doesn't care, don't assume you're doing any of things I listed either. Just talk it out and find out what it is and see if you can work together to reach some kind of compromise on the issue. That way you can tell him without sounding whiny about how you'd like it if he listened to you once in a while.
Talk to him in a good mood and find out.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2013): Your boyfriend is being a "fair weather friend" meaning - he only wants to be around for the good times ;-) We all want our partner to support and encourage us, and especially when we're having trying times at work or elsewhere, we want them to listen and share in our burden - which we in turn offer back too.However, let's not judge in haste! There could be many reasons why he has developed into this state of not talking/listening or avoiding you when there are problems.Many people don't like conflict - it makes them uncomfortable and many times they also don't know how to deal with it. For guys, it can also be frustrating when they have to listen to the problems and not be able to resolve them for you by being the Hero. To hear about the same people daily who either stab you in the back, hurt you, or make you unhappy makes him unhappy to hear. He is powerless to do anything and has to hear how people are making you upset - so perhaps this could be a reason why he is no longer wanting to listen to it. After 3 years, he is sick of hearing about these people you work with. It doesn't make him bad, and it's not something you can change and really you only want him to listen.Perhaps share the load: discuss some of it with a colleague you can trust so you don't go home loaded with all of it. Share some of it with family, and share some of it with friends. Spread the load so that he isn't the only one having to hear all about it, every day, all the negative.Also consider how you relate everything to him - is it all in one go? Is he comfortable when you're sharing it? Are meals delayed, or time spent for the both of you limited due to it? All factors to consider why he would be behaving the way he is. It doesn't make him right or wrong, or you right or wrong, it's just one way to identify without asking him directly, what is wrong? Why has he given up wanting to listen to whatever you want to share?Try a different tactic. Try to include him when you share - say only a bit and ask his opinion? Don't just relay thoughts, facts, occurrences without him having an opportunity to feel included. (I got this from other guys who complained about the same thing)His response is a little immature and unkind. You told him yesterday how you had a bad day, and instead of wanting to support you, he chose to ignore your calls. Not a good relationship builder.He probably also has his own problems, so bear all of that in mind. Surprise him that when you next speak on the phone while he is at his mother's, ask him how is he? Ask about him and his situation and interests? When he has covered all his news, share your news. Some positive, and summarise the negative. Perhaps give him some positive reinforcement by saying you appreciate his support and you're glad he is there for you, and how you value his opinion. Then share what happened and ask his opinion? You're not necessarily doing something wrong, just try to put yourself in the other person's shoes too. Pretend you are him, and listen to yourself and what you share? How do you feel? When you meet up again on the weekend, open up the communication channels and ask him how does he feel when you share your problems? Does it affect him? Does it bother him? Does it hurt him that you are unhappy about what you are sharing? Give him the opportunity to tell you how he feels too. It might be very revealing, and bond you two closer.Good Luck.G's Girl
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 July 2013):
 This is not normal behaviour for a boyfriend who is supposed to care. You do nothing wrong, but he doesnt sound as if he is serious about you, ir cares that much really. A person who cares will want to know how you are and help you. Instead he just leaves you hanging and clearly shows he is not interested in you.
...............................
|
