A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi readers! I'm a long-time lurker, first time poster. I'd like to thank everyone in advance for reading this post; I realize it rather lengthy, but I do hope it's easily readable...For the past couple years, I have had a "friends with benefits" arrangement with a friend of mine; we'll call him A. A has always thought we were totally compatible for a relationship, but the timing was just bad - interest in other people, lifestyle differences, relationships, etc. About 9 months ago, I accepted a job a few hours from where we are from, and moved. Then I got into a relationship with a military man, which ultimately didn't work out. During the relationship with military man, A realizes that I am everything he is looking for in a relationship - emotionally stable, career oriented, successful, independent, attractive, mature, same sense of humor, intelligent, same interests, great sex, etc. Not only was I his ideal partner, but he was ready to "settle down" - not necessarily marriage, but ready to be in a long-term committed relationship that could have the possibility of marriage and kids. And that he definitely wanted kids one day, and didn't want to be an "old" dad, but wanted to start or plan for kids by the time he was 30, but not rush into it - be in a healthy long-term relationship for a while before that came up. We are 26. While I shared his feelings, I was seeing military man in a long distance relationship. A few months into it, it didn't work out, and I was pretty much over it almost immediately (not because of A's confession of feelings). A and I started talking about us more and he was ready to just jump the gun and move to my area (he works from home, so location seemed to not be an issue, and I only lived less than two hours away). We ultimately decide to hold off on that until I came back to town to visit for the holiday, and we would talk about us then, in person.I spend the first night in town with him at his house. He was behind in his work, but was able to make time to see me that night. We had sex (I initiated it, he had pretty much indicated that he was tired and we would have sex in the morning, but I hadn't been laid in over half a year and ended up getting him aroused too). The sex was great. The next morning, we had sex again, but he lost erection. In the years we had been hooking up, he's never lost it. There were times where he didn't finish, or took more than one round to finish, but never gone soft. He assured me it wasn't me. I'm not too worried about it. All week, I barely get to see him due to his work, and we still didn't have that talk about us. I got to see him for about ten minutes when I brought him a plate over from a cookout, and he kissed me and thanked me for it, promised he would try to make time to take a break to spend time with me before I went back home, he was upset that he had fallen behind on a project and was having to crunch to get it done by the deadline. I understood, he kissed me, I left. Friday he's really excited about a new project that could make him a lot of money, and was telling me things like, "Oh once this project is done, I can come visit you for a week, and I promise to sex you every night to make up for this week, just bear with me." Saturday, he gets the details of the project and the contract, and is super motivated to hurry up this current project. Saturday was the last night I was going to be in town, and I asked him, so that I wouldn't be a distraction to him (I had apparently distracted him Monday night when I came over; he was supposed to be finished for the night, although he did get a late start Tuesday). to hit me up before he went to bed because I wanted to spend my last night with him, and I'd be leaving early in the morning, so it wouldn't be an issue of him starting later. We worked it out so that I could come over. Except he never called. Not until 6am Sunday morning, at least. Typically, he fell asleep at his keyboard, had just woken up, felt bad, and asked if I still wanted to come over. I was a little upset, and I couldn't sleep a wink Saturday night, so I agreed to come over at 6am, hoping it would help me sleep. It did, but we didn't have sex. Didn't even cuddle. I was able to sleep though, so I ended up sleeping a few hours next to him, got up before it was too late, gave him a hug (he went back to sleep) before I left. Told me to text him when I got home safely. I got home, but the whole time I was bothered because I didn't know where we stood. Were we dating? We were not dating? Were we monogamous/exclusive at least? Were we in a relationship? So we talked that night, and he was concerned about how I was in "freak mode" and wanted to know why, so I told him. He asked why I felt like I didn't know where were stood. I told him uncertainty, that I need to crystal clear so that I don't make decisions based on assumptions - I didn't want to assume we were an item if we never actually talked about it. He told me to relax, that he expected us to be at least monogamous right now...and then changes his mind completely saying he doesn't think it was going to work out because of the distance. He couldn't leave the area just yet (family reasons) and he didn't want to be the part-time every other weekend/once a month boyfriend, but didn't feel like he had a right to ask me to move back because of my great job and great opportunities out here. I admit, I cried after he told me that. The next morning, after sleeping on it, I decided that if distance was the only thing holding us back, then if I could get a job doing what I do now making what I make now but in that area instead, I would have no problem going back home, but ultimately my career came first. This was Monday (July 8). Put in a few applications, got immediate phone interviews (not to toot my own horn, but my skill set is very in-demand at the moment and I'm good at what I do). I sent him a text (yes, we communicate via text, and facebook, but also over the phone and in person - we work in computers fields, so electronic communication is natural, but not a replacement for face to face, or over the phone. Texting was the best way to convey it as it didn't require his immediate attention, just whenever he got a chance to see it). I texted him that if distance was the only thing, then I could fix the distance without jeopardizing either of our careers, but I needed to know if that was the only thing. Just a yes or no. Yes, if I was there, we would be together, or no, even if I was there, there were hesitations or doubts.Later Monday night, I get my answer... and it's not the one I was expecting. He says basically that he feels that we don't have the sexual chemistry anymore, but that he told me as soon as he realized it so I didn't make any rash decisions like quit my job to be with him when he's not interested in a relationship anymore, and that no, it wasn't anyone else before I asked. That he realized after we hooked up that it wasn't the same for him, and he had broken up with his girlfriend of over a year because he just wasn't feeling the sex anymore either. Needless to say, I was shocked. Mad. Hurt. Mad because he DID lead me on, because he knew this Monday/Tuesday and didn't tell me until a week later! Also I thought everything was a-okay because of how we talking about us and sticking it out with it his busy schedule and all this other stuff that implied that we were still looking at a relationship. Hurt because I really thought it would happen. So today, I've been thinking a lot about it, and I think he thinks the chemistry isn't there anymore because he lost his erection. Granted, he's been stressed with work, worried about falling behind, worried about falling behind even more because I was there, and I understand that could totally not put him in the mood. While telling me he wasn't feeling the sexual chemistry anymore, he assured me that it's not because he doesn't think I'm attractive, because he thinks I'm more attractive now and than when we first started hooking up. That isn't nothing I did, or said, not my performance in bed that night, etc. He didn't know why, but he just wasn't feeling it.I think he wasn't feeling it due to other reasons, not because of me, and not because of the lack of sexual chemistry (we're both free spirited in that department), but he is mistaking it for chemistry. I know couples don't have great sex all the time. I know sometimes you want to have sex, but just not feeling that moment. He admits he's a confused mess, but ultimately doesn't see this working out if it starts out this way, and doesn't want to get into a relationship that isn't going to work. We haven't had sex since that night, and I'm worried that I won't have a chance to either rekindle our sexual chemistry, or show him that it was just a fluke. I also think it has something to do with commitment, because as much as he wants a real thing relationship, I think he might be scared of it at the same time. After all, he admitted to breaking up with his ex because he wasn't feeling the sex anymore, and he also thought as the relationship lasted longer and longer, that she could perhaps be the one... and then poof! No more sexual chemistry. Same pattern here, except he knew he and I could be the real deal, a long lasting relationship that could possibly end up as "the one" and the first time we have sex after that, the first time we have sex NOT as FWB, but as a step towards commitment, he feels it's not the same. I haven't talked to him about rekindling the sexual chemistry yet simply because I've been a trainwreck of emotions, and I wonder if I'm just that deep in denial that I just can't let go of this and move on. I want to give a little bit of time (mostly to lick my own wounds) to let the emotions settle down a bit and go about it with a clear head and not a broken heart. I want to know from other readers if you think I'm way off base, judging on what I've written. Do you think sexual chemistry could really be gone and if so, do you think it's possible to rekindle to salvage this budding relationship? I wanted to have sex with him again before I left town to prove that it was just a fluke, but it didn't happen. In your opinion, do you think this is a good idea or do you think I am just that deep in denial? Do you think it could definitely be related to being scared to start that kind of commitment, thus the sexual dynamic is different and is that necessarily a bad thing? Has anyone else experienced this?I apologize for the length of this post, but I felt some of the details were important to convey the dichotomy of his behavior.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2013): OP here:Sex is a big part of our relationship. He can't be with a woman can't match his sex drive, and luckily mine is up there with his. Our dynamic has never been "let's make each other think we want a relationship in order to get in the other's pants." He would never do that - it only takes, "Hey you should come over tonight." And since I initiated the sex anyway, I highly doubt it was some manipulation to get me to come over. As far as having sex too soon - it's possible, but I don't think it's likely. I shouldn't have pushed him to bed me when he was tired though, especially after changing the dynamic of our relationship. I can see where it would be confusing in the role transition, especially since he was fine with just cuddling and sleep all night, and "getting it in in the morning" as he put it. Thank you for your insight thought! I really appreciate it!
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (10 July 2013):
 I get that you were FWB at one point, but if you were going to take it to a different plane, then the sex happened too soon, you went back to town because you wanted to have a conversation face to face, but instead of having the Talk you had sex. I don't think this is about him getting soft, but it was about him getting SOME, and now that he's had his fix /knows the seriousness of your commitment after having sex with him, he backed out because he truly doesn't want something serious. I know he initiated the conversation about how you were what he wanted, etc but I have a feeling he would have backed out of that too, it was probably just some wild idea he had to get you interested. But even if it were genuine, I could perceive him thinking that your willingness to have sex before discussing the relationship was a dealbreaker...in fact, he could have thought, i wanted more than just sex, but we're just in the same old roles we used to be in and i can't see her as anything OTHER than fwb. My view is that you shouldn't pursue him anymore, and if he asks after you again, you do not give him sex until he's earned your trust
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