A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm really upset that my boyfriend of 11 months did not come to see me after I had an out-patient medical procedure. He lives 1-1/2 hours away and knew about this procedure well in advance. My parents came into town to take me the day of (yesterday) but left this morning. I really expected him to come today at least but instead yesterday he said he would see what he could do and mentioned having to do this and that and this and that. After he said that, I knew he wasn't coming. And now today he's only text me; no phone call as of yet. When I told him that my parents left this morning, he just said "Oh ok. So rest :)" I don't know. I would've been there for him so I guess I was just hoping he would've been here for me. Should I just brush it off as no big deal and not discuss with him?"
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): I would have been direct with him. You should have told him you wanted his support and to be there. What was the day surgery in regards?
Perhaps he thought since it was day surgery and whatever it was; was not 'serious' to him.
Its clearly miscommunication.
I agree you can't truly be upset and disappointed in someone honestly if you have not expressed your wants openly.
Maybe he sees you as a strong woman and would be offended if he just showed up. And since your parents were in town- he thought you had it all under control.
Clear up things first and let us know how it went.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 March 2012):
 Of course you discuss it with him. It may be too late now... but you could STILL tell him, "I would really like to have you here with me whilest I recover from this..."
IF he fails to react to that, then you know quite a bit more about him....
You CAN'T be angry or upset with him, however, since you didn't discuss this in advance...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 March 2012):
 Did you TELL him you expected/wanted him to come to you? IF you didn’t TELL him you wanted him or needed him to be there for you how was he supposed to know?
Or was this a test to see if he cared as much about you as you care about him?
I know that when my now fiancé and I were LDR (2 hours by car) when he needed me or I needed him we didn’t expect the other to be a mind reader we said “I am having this done on such and such a date I NEED YOU to be here… or I WANT you to be with me)….
It’s possible since it was minor and outpatient he didn’t think you needed him. Or wanted him there… he may be one of those people who when they are sick just want to be left alone and he assumed that was what you want too…
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 March 2012):
 It's personal and individual.
If we look at it dispassionately, I guess we'll have to say: yes, it's not a big deal . An outpatient procedure ? like, in day hospital ? You get operated in the morning, like, and after few hours they send you home ?...
If you ask me, I want to say : my friend, toughen up, don't become one of those needy, frail, annoying creatures that need being accompanied by a cast of thousands to have a wart removed. If the doctors sent you home already, and your own parents felt safe in leaving you alone, how bad can it be, do you really need someone " to be there for you " ? ... Rationally and objectively, I think you'd agree the answer is no.
Emotionally, it may be different. You might have thought he missed a good occasion to show empathy and concern, to reaffirm how much he cares about you, to coddle and fuss about you a bit, even if technically it was not necessary.
Maybe your bf is not a very demonstrative affectionate type in general ?, and you need some reassurance every now and then, and you were disappointed he did not take this special chance.
Whatever was it, you felt he did not handle the situation properly, so it does not really matter if a majority or a minority of women would have been bothered, - the fact is that it bothered YOU, so maybe you should talk to him about it.
Talk, not scold or yell or whine or reproach. You can't blame him for not being a mind reader and not anticipating how you'd like to be trated in any situation. If you want to be actively shown support when you have a crisis or a problem, tell him. Don't think authomatically he's a jerk for not knowing how and when exactly you want to be supported , because the same thing won't have the same meaning for everybody. Some people feel very vulnerable in reference to ANY health issue, some others much less .
Rather that steaming in silence over this perceived slight, and becoming secretly resentful, tell him what you would like to happen in future in similar situations, then get over it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): If it was a minor procedure, maybe he didnt think it was that important as your parents were there for the duration. Also some people dont pick up on hints very well. So he might not understand how important this is to you. Maybe talk to him and explain you would like to see him and ask when he is going to visit. If he is still too busy, then he is making excuses and doesnt care enough about you. But give him a chance to prove otherwise first, he might just need a little prompt.
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A
female
reader, amenthyst3356 +, writes (7 March 2012):
Discuss it with him. It's huge!
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